


Dragon Ball: Satire

by StrangeDemonChild



Series: The Fabulous Story Of An Isekai'd Girl That Knows The Source Material [1]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Ace/Aro Pride, Alternate Universe - Real World, Aromantic, Asexual Character, At Least The OCs Are Gay, Baseball bats, Based off of literal audio fanfiction, Broly also deserves better, Crack, Crack and Angst, Crackhead Vibes, DBZ, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Dead People, Dragon Ball Z - Freeform, Elfen Lied References, Everyone Is Gay, Fuck you all, Gen, Gohan deserves better fight me, Heathers References, Heathers: The Musical References, How Do I Tag, How many times do people start singing?, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I refuse to apologize, I want to die lmao YEET, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Im not explaining that you degenerates have you seen whats on this site, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Matchmaking, Memes, Motherfucking Jojo Reference, No Smut, OP Bullshit, OP Mary Sue type shit, Parody, Puella Magi Madoka Magica References, Reader Is Not A Saiyan, Reader-Insert, Red Bull, Satire, Spoilers, Steven Universe References, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Three Houses References, Undertale References, Vines, dragon ball - Freeform, how does this website work, i'm dead inside, teen angst bullshit, vine references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 41,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeDemonChild/pseuds/StrangeDemonChild
Summary: "I'm here to tell you something... I'm not helping cause I love you. I'm helping you because I know how this arc goes and I wanna see what happens in person."Armed with a baseball bat and her knowledge of each and every character, (Y/n) (L/n), an un-average crackhead-vibed high schooler with too much caffeine and not enough meds must navigate her way through the world of Dragon Ball. This would be so much more fun if every scenario didn't have someone falling in love with her, but (Y/n) is ready to meet her challenges in her own way. And her own way probably involves screaming, caffeine, and lots of salt. However, there's something worse going on here, something beyond the anime and the needless romance. Something that threatens (Y/n)'s graduation prospects.An aromantic faced with love. Will (Y/n) return home? Or will she never see graduation?
Relationships: (Y/n) is aromantic, Except ones that are canon, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: The Fabulous Story Of An Isekai'd Girl That Knows The Source Material [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829386
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. Starting Scenario: When You Have A Good Relationship With Your Dad, You're Moderately Liked At School, And You're All Around A Normal Looking Human

**Author's Note:**

> Oi I posted this initially on Quotev, and then on Wattpad cause I was curious
> 
> And now its on this site where every time I type in a tag something sexual pops up, lets go
> 
> If you wanna see the memes I make for every chapter read the wattpad or Quotev versions. They're exactly the same and I have the same fucking username on all three, and this has the same fucking title
> 
> For those of you new to this format of fanfiction in general, you might want to read non-parody versions of "Character x Reader" fics for the full effect. If you need a key:
> 
> (Y/n)=Your name. Interchangable with MC, although I will refer to the reader only as (Y/n) in the actual story
> 
> (e/c)=eye color
> 
> (h/c)=hair color
> 
> Aight uh
> 
> Enjoy this bullshit

I pulled my winter coat a little bit tighter around me, a slushie tightly gripped in my hands. A slushie in 20 degree weather? This was Minnesota alright. 

Come on, everyone knows we do crack to survive the winter months. At the 7-Eleven outside of my school, I saw a bunch of girls walk past me. One waved at me.

"Hey, (Y/n)! Slushies again?"

"Yep."

"How do you drink those? It's freezing!" Another joked.

"I'll stop drinking them when it hits -60 again, like it did last year."

I huffed, looking away from them as I caught the bus home. Was I irritated? Why did they all have friends? Why wasn't I pretty like them? I brushed a (h/c) strand of hair out of my face as I got on the bus. Now that I was out of the cold...

Why did I care if they were pretty? I was pretty, too! And I had friends, too! Maybe it was the stress. I knew tonight would be busy, thinking of the cans of Red Bull in my room. I would need them for tonight. I would grind out Draft Two of my Senior Thesis and turn that shit in before midnight. 11:59 deadlines.

My phone began to buzz. I realized that my group chat was going crazy. The group chat affectionately named "Crackheads Anonymous Yo Holla". A bunch of messages from someone nicknamed CuddleFluff

Or... Brittany. My friend Brittany was talking about Fire Emblem again. Two more people popped up, NateTheGreat and UwuSpaceAesthetic. Nathan and Dennis, respectively.

The boyfriends of our group. I quickly left a text to Dennis, as I always did. My username was, of course, SSG-Heather. Praise Heather Chandler.

SSG: _Oi, are you home, Den?_

Uwu: _ye_

SSG: _take off your binder_

Uwu: i _know thanks_

It was then that someone named MonsterHunter joined in. That was Matt. Epic gamer.

Monster: _anyone wanna grind out thesis in a group call?_

SSG: _me_

Nate: _same here_

Uwu: _bitch no Nathan you get your sleep_

Nate: _fuck u_

Uwu: _okay bend over_

I snickered as I got off the bus, walking towards my apartment and fishing out my keys. It was then that a text in all caps came from DoodleCake. That was Alexa. Alexa was a god, a drug dealer, and our collective mother, all in one.

Doodle: _OI SHUT THE FUCK UP_

SSG: _turn your phone on mute or mute the chat dumbass_

Doodle: _not that, BOYFRIENDS KEEP YOUR KINK SHIT OUT OF THE GROUP CHAT YOU KNOW (Y/n) HATES THAT SHIT_

Uwu: _ok sorry mom_

With that, I left the group chat alone and went inside, stomping snow off my feet and going into my room. I heard the sound of sizzling and smelled eggy goodness. That's right.

Authentic pasta carbonara was on the menu and I was hyped. I went to the kitchen and saw my dad cooking. He was getting on in years. I knew how to cook when he was too tired.

"Hey, kiddo." My dad spoke up.

"Hey, Dad. Gonna grind out thesis again tonight."

"Alright, tell me if you need anything."

I hugged him and crawled into my bed, letting myself rest for a little while. My eyes glanced over posters I had pinned to the walls. Jojo, BTS, Steven Universe, Fall Out Boy, Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Mew Mew, Sailor Moon, a bunch of pop singers, Dragon Ball, Heathers...

I loved Heathers so much. It was my favorite thing to watch. I had every line of the movie and the musical memorized by now, scene by scene. When it came to Heathers, I wasn't fucking around.

Oh, and Dragon Ball. My third favorite thing. Despite Brittany hating it, I still liked it. It had its good moments and was my first ever anime when I was a kid. Dragon Ball was closely beaten by Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Steven Universe, which were tied for some reason I could neither explain nor defend. But whatever.

I realized that an hour had passed and all I had done was stare at posters. Come to think of it... What had happened today?! Jesus fuck, I was out of it.

No, this was... weird. I tried to sit up, but couldn't. My room seemed to darken, the details blurring together. I couldn't tell one poster from another. From all around me, I faintly heard a voice. No, not just a voice. Thousands of voices, in one.

Weird.

But it was talking.

"...This one... This one will do fine... Her and the other five..."

My eyes felt too heavy, so I closed them. The world seemed to spin, making me sick to my stomach. With one dying effort, I tried to roll out of bed.

And then everything went blank.


	2. Scenario One, Chapter One: I Want To Die lmao YEET

After the dizzy spell ended, I heard a voice. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I didn't pay much attention to it when I realized I was laying on solid rock. That wasn't right.

It didn't have snow, and it was the middle of winter in Minnesota, so that was even less right. Some shit was afoot. Did it have to do with that weird voice? Maybe. I opened my eyes to the glaring sun, realizing that it was at least 80 degrees out. Which explained why I was already sweating, I was not ready for the heat yet. Someone was over me, holding out a helping hand that I took on instinct.

I then recognized that voice. And when it called out my name, I realized that the owner of such a voice should not know my name.

"(Y/n)? Are you okay? You've been on the ground for a good minute! Wait... What are you wearing...?"

"Huh?"

Shielding my eyes from the light of the sun, I saw the voice's face, and realized that I was right. This... This was Gohan. Actually, though.

What the fuck? that couldn't be right. What was in that slushie, actual crack? 

"I... Your clothes... What are those?"

"It's my school uniform, why?"

"Weren't you wearing a gi two seconds ago?"

"No? More importantly, what the fuck?! Why am I in a desert?! There's no deserts in Minnesota!"

"What's Minnesota? Did you hit your head?"

Gohan grabbed me gently by the head, and I immediately felt very uncomfortable. Looking me up and down, he then let me go, thank Chandler. I then stepped back, looking him up and down. This couldn't be happening, Gohan was an anime character! Okay, breathe, try to wake up...

Nothing. This was too real. I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun, especially because we hadn't seen sunlight for at least a week. I probably had a Vitamin D deficiency, but I always had that because I hated leaving the house in daylight.

"Well, uh, this is... awkward? Who are you and why do you know my name?"

"I'm Gohan. We're friends at Orange Star High School? We're training for a tournament? We're trying to figure out what to do about your dad because he's not treating you right? Does that bring anything back?"

"Nah. I don't got a friend named Gohan, none of my friends do training or tournaments, I go to Cheyanne High School, and my dad and I are on good terms. So, uh... I don't know why I'm here in the wastelands."

I noticed my backpack and ran to it, seeing my laptop, some Red Bull, a wad of Zeni, a notebook, and my sketchbook. My backpack was covered in patches and pins, the two most prominent being the asexual and aromantic heart patches on each shoulder strap. Swinging my backpack on, I wiped sweat from my forehead and went back over to Gohan. We were still confused.

I was... I was in an anime. Wow. That was unexpected. Guess I could throw my thesis out the window for a bit.

"Hey... Gohan, right?" I played dumb, as if I didn't know his name, his past, and how the Great Saiyanman was a coping mechanism for all of his trauma because he was instructed to fight as a child and never got help for his obvious PTSD. Fucking fight me. I at least liked Gohan as one of my many fictional adoptive kids.

I was aromantic and I adopted many kids. Hey... In my own defense, Gohan was pretty fucked up when you really thought about him. Broly made that list, too. As well as the Ginyu Force, Martha Durnstock, Giorno, and Aqua. Aqua was my useless little baby.

"Yeah?"

"Can we, like, get out of the sun? It's killing me out here..."

"Sure. Come on, we can go to my mothers house."

Gohan flew off and I screeched as loudly as I could until he came back.

"I can't fly, dipshit!"

Then he picked me up and flew off. I slyly went onto my phone and hid my Dragon Ball related stuff. I needed a plan.

* * *

"Okay, something is going on. She's... not the one we know. Can she stay here until I get the Dragon Balls? I think it's best if we figure out the reason why this happened until we get our (Y/n) back..."

"What exactly is wrong with her?" Chi-Chi, ask that again and look into my eyes.

"Look at her. Her face is the same, but... Her clothes. Her voice. Even her personality. It's all different. She didn't hit her head, so..."

I had since figured out that Gohan knew a version of me that existed here. And _not,_ you know... Videl. Fucking hell, it was me and my sleep deprivation against an anime.

No. Not an anime. This was fanfiction. The romantic undertones gave it away. Disgusting. Me? In a romantic relationship? What horror.

I was curled up on the couch, on my phone. Again. No cell reception, but I had video games and music. My phone hadn't drained from 69% in the past hour. Bullshit. But I accepted it because that meant more music. I looked up when I noticed someone beside me, seeing Goten.

Aww. Cute kid. 

"Hey..." I muttered.

"Are you Gohan's girlfriend?"

"I'm not anyone's girlfriend."

I reached into my backpack and felt something I hadn't noticed. A pack of cigarettes, along with three little bottles. But cigarettes?

Hell. Yes. I grabbed one and grabbed a lighter, sneaking outside and lighting one up. This would calm me down. Well, hey, my world was heading into climate change, world war, and the fucking coronavirus.

Fun times. I'd probably be dead before lung cancer killed me.

Eventually, I heard someone come out, seeing Gohan. Again. Now that I had calmed down a little, I estimated that this was in between Cell and Buu.

I was not staying here for Buu, I'd just rather die.

"...Are you smoking?" He asked.

"Yeah, want one?"

"Absolutely not."

"Fine. So, uh... You got a plan to get me home, cause I sure as hell don't." I continued to play dumb.

"I'll need a few days, but... I can get you home with something called the Dragon Balls. I just need a few days to prepare. You think you can hang out here until I can get you back to... Wherever Minnesota is?"

"Yeah, sure. Uh... Shit, I'm tired..."

I put out my cigarette and clambered back inside. Maybe this was all a weird dream. Laying on the couch, I curled up with my sketchbook to my chest.

Nope, can't see the cool fanart I drew. Can't let them see this thing.

As I fell asleep, I heard Gohan speak one more time, a hand brushing against my cheek. I recoiled in disgust. I hated being touched like that. Things directed at me with romantic intent set me off.

"...Goodnight, (Y/n)..."

Please let this be a horrible nightmare.


	3. Scenario One, Chapter Two: Pray At The Altar Of Your Wasted Childhood

It wasn't a dream. I woke up on that same couch, hastily brushed my hair because i was too lazy to care, and then went out with Gohan because I had nothing better to do.

Also because I had nothing better to do, I was making conversation.

"...Okay, and none of my friends can get drafted for World War 3. Nathan is bipolar, Matt was born with missing fingers and is legally considered disabled, Dennis is transgender and our president banned trans people but _not_ the people who identify as attack helicopters, and the rest of us are girls. And none of us are straight in the slightest. So..."

"Women can't get drafted in... America? Pretty sure they can here."

"It's not the worst thing there. Trust me. Memes dull the pain of existence when the rest of the world sees your country as a mistake."

I saw a 7-Eleven and immediately felt better about everything, running in at breakneck speeds across a busy street.

"Watch where you're going!" Gohan yelled out at me.

"I don't look when I cross the street for a reason!"

I grabbed a slushie and a bag of chips and then sat on the curb, rubbing my head. I had taken meds, right? Or did I forget? Damn it, I forgot! Oh, today was going to be bad.

No wonder I felt on the verge of a panic attack. 

"Is that all you eat?"

"Nah." I shrugged, shoving some chips into my mouth. "I can cook. Just too lazy to usually. Trust me, slushies keep me from my mental breakdowns."

"Mental... breakdowns?" Gohan looked somewhat horrified.

"Okay, Gohan, let me tell you a little something about the school system in America. We're trained for factory work. We're trained to not speak up or question, to not excel and to know our places. Of course, America doesn't admit to its mistakes. If it won't own up to how fucked the schools are, how will it own up to, you know, how it's all built off the blood of natives and slaves? You know... White people!"

I said that jokingly. Dark political jokes were one of my groups many specialties. Surprisingly enough, we were well liked in our school. Kids knew that we meant no harm and just let us be, and everyone knew the consequences of bullying us.

"...What? What kind of hellhole do you live in?"

"America, duh. I mean, teachers at my school gave up last year and are just waiting for the whole school to shut down, we're pretty sure it'll be next year. Like, okay, so... My friend Dennis came out as trans, we knew he'd get bullied. His parents kicked him out and he moved in with his lesbian aunties. One particular couple, this guy and girl, they left him notes in his locker telling him to kill himself, shit like that. Unfortunately... They forgot that my group is called "The Crackheads" for a reason. You see, our friend Alexa managed to trace down the handwriting and got a tip that they posted about the whole thing on Snapchat. So we learned who they were. Literally take all the worst stereotypes of influencers and combine it with the bullshit of Thirteen Reasons Why, and you have these kids."

I sighed, remembering my part in all this.

"The girl, we put industrial strength stickers over _everything_ she owned and superglued her laptop shut. We then quietly left a note saying that we'd out to the administration about how she fabricated all the data in her Senior Thesis if she didn't apologize to Dennis. The guy, we put strong hair dye in his shampoo and stole the laces out of all his shoes, along with every belt he owned. We then got evidence of him cheating on the girl and showed it to her. So, yeah, kids learned not to fuck with us. Especially since I've, uh... Had behavioral issues and got expelled from another school for beating up a teacher with a baseball bat after learning he was sexually abusing one of the girls. We've got a reputation and we live in a shitty neighborhood. No one cares about us. Even when we're shot to death because some guy couldn't get laid, they don't care about us."

I felt an arm go around me and pushed it away gently. I didn't like being touched.

"I... I can only say that it's nothing like that here."

"I'll bet it isn't. But hey, at least there's memes to dull it all down, right?"

I got up, hoping we'd go back to Chi-Chi's house. Mostly because of the sun. And the heat. At some point, I muttered a simple rhyme. Gotta keep Gohan, a usually normal person, on his toes.

"I want to sleep, I want to dead, I want to eat this fresh baked bread."

Pretty sure Gohan doesn't know what that is, pretty sure I didn't care. I'm losing my mind.

* * *

Nighttime rolled around, and I was on my laptop playing an emulated copy of the Windows XP pinball game. Made me nostalgic for the good days. I heard footsteps, not bothering to hide the empty cans of Red Bull next to me.

Gohan came down, and I realized he was shirtless. Eww. Cooties.

"Why are you awake? You need to sleep."

"No, you."

With a sigh, Gohan closed my laptop, but I didn't move. Realizing it would take more to move me, he sat next to me, not turning on the light. I liked the lights off.

"...You okay?" He asked.

"No, never. Hey, uh... Can I ask you something?"

He nodded and I asked away.

"...Is the version of me that you know really so different from me?"

"I think you two only share an appearance. You're her exact opposite. For one thing... We're dating."

"Eww. Go on."

"Well... She doesn't smoke, or drink all that caffeine. She's on top of her schoolwork, she strives to do her best even though the odds are against her at the moment, what with her dad and all..."

"Not getting along? It's my mom and my stepdad that I butt heads with."

"Yeah... I think he's abusing her. Don't know for sur-"

"I will help you beat whoever he is. But go on."

"...She's always trying to be the best she can be, and I admired that in her. I guess I see that in you, just... In a different way."

I leaned back, staring at the ceiling as I replied.

"This world is different than mine. She sounds like she's striving to be the best. Me? I'm striving to just survive, like everyone else. I had to work so hard just to learn that I don't have to be the best, no matter what people say. I don't have to be the best to be happy. Happiness comes from my bottles of pills."

"...If you're doing drugs-" Totally wrong, Gohan. Totally wrong this time.

"Meds, dumbass. Citrulline and Adderall. Got some in my bag. Thankfully. Got diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years back, and got hit with ADHD recently. Well, God had to nerf me because I was too powerful."

I meandered over to the couch, falling over and staring into space again. Gohan sat next to me for a little while longer, staring at me. He seemed to still be separating me from the (Y/n) he knew.

So confusion. Just let me go home, world.

"...(Y/n)?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"I'll get you home. We'll fix this. You're strong, you know. Just... Maybe in a different way."

"I gotchu."

I promptly fell asleep.


	4. Scenario One, Chapter Three: Wooty Woot Dumb!@# We Need Caffeine

The sun rose, and I was out the door in the same clothes I had worn these past... three days?

No, two days. No, three.

Whatever.

I had taken my meds and I was ready to take on the world. Chugging some Red Bull, Gohan and I went back out to the wastelands.

Time to find the last of these Dragon Balls that he had apparently been tracking down. One left, actually. We had spent the whole day out here and I was realizing that I hated being carried.

I had come to the conclusion that this was most likely fanfiction. People were really thirsty for dick these days. Not me. Not because I wasn't like other girls, because I was asexual. And other girls could be asexual.

"So... Hey, do you guys have Hot Topic here?" 

"Heard of it."

"What about Caribou? The coffee place?"

"Yeah."

"Damn, if this doesn't work... I got 7-Eleven, Caribou, and Hot Topic to keep me going."

Gohan chuckled, at least I was making this less awkward. 

"Oh, yeah, uh... I've been meaning to ask. How'd you get expelled? You never told me everything."

I totally forgot I told him that.

"I found out that this one girl was getting railed by a teacher. Fucking creep was blackmailing her, said he'd post all her nudes if she didn't suck his duck. He was the science teacher, so... I snuck into his room because I wanted to steal some hydrochloric acid and knew where he kept it."

"Why were you stealing-"

"My friends and I wanted to use it to see how fast it would burn through stuff. Including skin."

"...What the fuck, why?" I felt like that was the correct reaction from anyone, including someone like Gohan. My friends and I did crazy things.

" _Anyway_ , I hid in the closet, and they came around. He threatened her if she didn't come to his house that night. She agreed. When he left, I came out, took her out to get McDonalds, and talked to her. She told me everything. Nice girl, her name's Veronica, we still talk. Anyway..."

I had to resist a smile of pride here. 

"I was usually unnoticed. No one would care if I, for example... Snuck into that teacher's house with a baseball bat and broke a leg, then took any and all incriminating evidence to the principal. I got expelled for assaulting the teacher but they didn't press charges because... well, reasons."

I didn't tell him the full reason why they wouldn't press charges against me. Long story short... Rich mom. Fuck her, though. That was a long story.

"He got arrested because he literally had a whole bunch of underage girls sucking his dick. And then I went to Cheyanne High School, and it's literally just as shitty, just in a different way! Where my old school dumped work on us to make themselves look elite, Cheyanne High School has just given up! I met my squad there, though, so it's better."

"When was this?"

"Seventh grade. I was still living with my mom at the time. She may have... Used some of her money to get me out of that. Didn't hear the end of it for years. She liked holding things over my head and leveraging my anxiety against me."

Gohan set me down and looked at me, and I didn't look back. I just wanted to go home.

"...Seriously, what is wrong with your situation?"

"Everything! But it's America! My friend Alexa once stopped a kid from poisoning the school lunches by putting itching powder all over their gym outfits as a warning. Now we're seniors, and no one bothers us."

I think he realized that asking me questions would just make things worse. Sighing, Gohan held up the Dragon Radar.

"Well, we're almost to the last one. I say we-"

It was then that I heard the sound of revving engines and people yelling, and remembered that bandits existed in Dragon Ball. Oh, maybe I'd get to watch an ass whooping today. 

Yep. Bandits for sure. I felt a trio of them grab me, rolling my eyes at Gohan.

"Yo, what the fuck...?" I wish I had a bat. Even though they had guns. Even though I was getting held by bandits, I leaned back to enjoy the show.

"Let her go." Gohan yelled at the bandits. 

"Fuck you!" One yelled back.

"Oh my god, Gohan, let's just leave. HEY, TOUCH MY BACKPACK AND I SWEAR I'LL-"

I didn't finish my sentence when someone hit me in the head and knocked me out.

* * *

"...(Y/n)...? (Y/n), wake up!"

I woke up, regrettably. Gohan was standing over me as I sat up, yawning. My head was killing me. 

"Ugh... My backpack!"

I then rushed to my backpack, saw that my shit was safe, and then turned back to Gohan and saw that he had all seven Dragon Balls.

Yay.

"You got knocked out and your first instinct is to check if your things are okay?"

"Uh, yeah, can't lose my shit. So... Is this it?"

I crossed my arms, squinting against the light again. Gohan nodded at me and held out a hand.

"Yeah... It was weird meeting you. But in a good way. I never thought that the alternate version of my girlfriend could be so... Wild."

"I think all I share with your girlfriend is a name and an appearance. Sorry I caused you all that trouble, but... It was fun meeting you, Gohan. You take your lady friend out for slushies, okay? I know you'll treat a lady right!"

I clamped a hand over my ears as Gohan summoned the dragon. That was... a bigass dragon. I couldn't hear him make the wish. But I knew he'd make it. 

This had been crazy and I was still convinced that this was all a Red Bull induced fever dream fueled by stress and seasoned with anxiety. But it felt real... It felt so real.

And what about that weird amalgam of voices before I actually fell asleep?

_"...This one... This one will do fine... Her and the other five..."_

It still rang in my head. I hadn't heard it since coming here. But it... It filled me with a strange sense of foreboding. No, it'd be over after Gohan made the wish, right?

It had to end. It had to be a dream. I was overworked and now I was having fever dreams. Maybe I needed a break. But considering my school, they'd never give a break for something like mental health.

"Gohan...?" I yelled out.

"Yeah?"

"There's something you gotta know before I go." If this really was a dream, and I assumed it was, then what the hell?

"What is it?"

"I... This is an anime, I know what comes next, get some therapy and make sure this wizard guy named Babidi doesn't awaken a being known as Majin Buu-WAIT WAS IT BIBIDI- whatever you get it! I know it sounds cryptic, but you're heading into danger again and you gotta be ready because-"

The wish took effect before I could finish. The world spun, and went black. It was over.

I hoped.


	5. Scenario Two, Chapter One: Wasted Character Potential

I stirred, getting to my feet and feeling grass beneath me. Not only was it not my bed, it was not the season for fresh green grass.

So it wasn't a dream. I knew it. It was too lifelike to be a dream. In the middle of some forest, I screamed.

"What the fuck?! Why can't I go home?"

Well... Moping about it wouldn't help me. I picked up my backpack, seeing way more Zeni. Would I need this? I swung my backpack over my shoulders and walked in one direction. Come to think of it, this was rather peaceful. 

I'd draw this on my phone, still at 69%, if I could do digital art of backgrounds, which I couldn't. Yet.

Soon, I saw the neon lights of a 7-Eleven. Praise Chandler! I ran inside, grabbing myself a slushie, more Red Bull, and some chips. Then I went back the way I came, strolling through the forest.

Who would I meet this time? Who would the world throw me to? I was about to find out.

* * *

Soon, I heard familiar crying. I had since made my way into wastelands. Peeking out from behind some rocks, I saw a space pod, with a kid stuck inside.

Oh, we were going for villains now, fuck. Okay, I had to sit and think. Raditz died pretty quickly, but... but so did Goku in the process. And I had to try again with the Dragon Balls, right? 

Well, that meant keeping a wasted character alive. I could do that.

I crept towards the pod, easing it open and making sure Gohan stayed quiet. Aww, he was so cute as a little kid!

For sure he wasn't in love with me this time.

"W-who are you... where's my daddy?"

"Uh, dunno. Here, watch this and keep your mouth shut."

Thankfully, Gohan shut the fuck up once I put Steven Universe on. Yeah, I had a lot of pirated stuff on my laptop. Fun times. Should have put the Bee Movie on, to be honest.

Too late now.

I grabbed a bag of chips and opened it, and then realized that chips were really loud. Looking up, I heard someone walk up to me.

Raditz.

"Who the hell are you?!" He snarled.

"Uh... Dunno, can I offer you a single chip? This your kid?"

"No-"

"Is he kidnapped? He's kidnapped, isn't he? Who are you?"

I sat on top of the pod, huffing as I stared at Raditz with a bored look in my eyes. This was gonna be a chore.

"Raditz. Remember it when my brother and I destroy this planet."

"Grow up, Radish Hoe, death threats are so '87. Where's your brother?" I knew the answer, I had to act like I didn't.

"Not here. He has a day to join me, or his kid dies."

"I guess the extreme always makes an impression... But why, though? Like, what do you gain from this?"

"Hmph. I wouldn't expect a weakling like you to understand."

Pulling out my phone, I wondered how long I had to turn Raditz to the good side so we didn't have to waste a wish on Goku's bitch ass.

"Ugh, such a pillowcase. You here cause someone told you to?"

"You could say that. Why do you care?"

"It's my planet on the line. A planet destroyer, huh? And how many planet destroyers are there? A whole lot?"

"Shut up-" I was pissing him off, but it was fun.

"You're gonna die in the name of herd mentality and no one will remember your name. I may be a weakling, but I know some shit when I see it. But hey... Could always just kill me and shut me up. But you'll just prove me right. You gonna follow the pack and do what's expected, or are you gonna follow your own expectations and maybe live?"

He didn't reply, glaring at me. I drained the rest of my slushies and worked on one of the cans of Red Bull. 

Should have bought cigarettes. Damn.

* * *

"LAPIS!!!"

Gohan had gotten to the end of Season One and his dad still wasn't here. I got up, leaving my backpack and just taking my phone and the rest of the Zeni.

"Where are you going now, weakling?" Raditz asked, still glaring at me. But I wasn't dead. Weird.

"7-Eleven. If you go with me, I'll buy you a slushie."

"What's a slushie?"

"See, this is why we don't destroy planets. Planets might have cool things on them. Like slushies. Come on."

I walked off towards the 7-Eleven, noticing that Raditz followed at a distance. Looking behind me, I rolled my eyes and waited for him to catch up.

"What? Scared of a weakling?"

"A-Absolutely not!"

"Then keep up."

Eventually, I made it back there, getting two cherry slushies and some chocolate milk for Gohan. When I went to pay...

I didn't have enough. Fucking hell!

"Okay, uh... Here, the kid can just have Red Bull- No, he certainly cannot have Red Bull! Okay, uh, this is awkward-"

I was cut off when Raditz leapt over the counter, grabbed the poor cashier, and snapped her neck. I then screamed, stepping back.

"What the fuck?!" I yelled.

"There. Now we don't have to pay."

"Could have warned me, first! Uh... okay, grab more stuff and get those plastic bags. If we're committing murder, might as well rob this place."

I grabbed some cigarettes, trying to avoid the dead cashier, then filled the bags with whatever could fit. And all the cash in the register, and some more cigarettes. And a lighter. With that out of the way, I stepped outside, eyeing a car that probably belonged to the cashier.

Oof.

"...Hey, Radish Hoe?"

"What now?"

"You gonna drink your slushie?"

Raditz took a sip of red chemical mix, then took a bigger sip. Niiiiiice, I got him addicted to slushies. 

"...Not bad, I guess."

"It gets better. Like, how can you blow up a planet with anime, slushies, and Heathers?"

"What are you on about now, weakling?"

"Heathers! It's amazing! Come on, I'll explain it on the way back! Basically, teenagers murdering each other!"

Operation "Turn A Motherfucker Good" was running smoothly. Only one person dead so far.


	6. Scenario Two, Chapter Two: Grand Theft Auto With A Baseball Bat And Nothing Else

We got back, I went back to my phone, and Raditz ate one bag of chips in five minutes. Damn. Lighting a cigarette, I chilled for a little while, making small talk.

"Anyway, your whole planet got struck out by a meteor? I mean... How big was it? Like, it had to be huge, big enough for you guys to predict it and leave."

"I wasn't there."

"I don't know, it sounds fishy. Too convenient. Have suspicion, Radish Hoe. Question the man and then stick it to him."

Blowing smoke into the air, I leaned against the grass. I then noticed that Raditz was looking up at the sky, like he was sensing something.

I was out of time.

"...What's up?" I asked.

"My brother is on his way. I highly doubt he killed anyone, like I asked him to-"

"You still on the whole 'killing my planet' thing? Christ, grow up. You ain't special for any of this. But your brother is, because he tries to protect people. But hey... I should leave before you kill me."

I grabbed my laptop from Gohan. Kneeling next to him, I gave him a hug, one hand drifting towards the Dragon Ball on his hat.

This was such a bad idea but I needed a wish. 

"Stay safe, kiddo."

"W-wha-"

I didn't get a chance to grab the Dragon Ball and ditch. Raditz grabbed me by the collar and flew away with me, and I was screaming the whole time. 

"What the fuuuuuuuck?! Put me down!"

"Shut it, weakling!"

He didn't set me down until we were a good distance away from where we left Gohan. At least his dad was on his way. I got to my feet and automatically fell on my ass.

"Okay, what the fuck was that?"

Raditz helped me to my feet, grabbing me by the shoulders and looking at me. Come to think of it... I looked down at myself and thought I looked older. Not much older. Just more like I was in my twenties than like I was just barely 18.

Oh, fuck, was this the world trying to attract more lovers to me by making me not look underage? Because I didn't appreciate it. 

"I... I can't believe I just did that."

"Yeah, same here! What gives, Radish Hoe?"

"...Weakling, I seriously don't know what you said to me. But I... I can't destroy this planet if it means destroying you!"

Fffffffffuck, he was in love. Shit shit shit shit- I pushed his hands off me, shaking.

"Okay, okay, let me... Let me have a minute..."

I sat back down, my phone's alarm going off. Time to take my meds? I got out my pills and took them, Raditz looking at me.

"What are those?"

"My medication. Big depresso with a lot of anxiety. And ADHD. Anyway, uh..."

I stared up at the sky.

"...What now, Radish Hoe? We gotta get around somehow. I say we go steal a car and figure shit out."

"Anything. I... I should probably get rid of this scouter. The other Saiyans can hear me through it-"

I snatched the scouter away and held it to my mouth, screeching.

"HEY, ASSHOLES! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE IN THE NAME OF HERD MENTALITY, YOU DAFT CUNTS!"

I then crushed the scooter and picked up my backpack again, seeing Raditz laughing his ass off.

"What?"

"They are absolutely going to kill you for that. Hey, you know what you should you?"

"What?"

"Call one of them a midget."

I burst into laughter, pretending I didn't know exactly who he was referring to. He then picked me up, which sucked because he smelled.

I needed to learn how to fly.

* * *

"Ooh, baseball bat!"

Back at the 7-Eleven with the dead cashier, I found a baseball bat laying next to the dumpster and grabbed it. It felt heavy and looked like wood, so I chucked it into the lone car of the parking lot. I at least knew how to drive. Loading all the supplies we could raid from that one 7-Eleven in, I drove off.

We could fly. But with all this food, that was a little cumbersome to do, especially since Raditz would also have to carry me because I can't fucking fly.

"Hmm..." I muttered after a few hours of driving. "I think we're almost to West City. How about I get gas and we rob this one other 7-Eleven? Then just find some motel to stay in and figure out what we're gonna do."

"You got it, weakling."

Weakling had become almost affectionate. Eww. I wish there was hope of it being platonic, but probably not. I stepped out of the car, filled it up, and then went inside, toting my bat.

Just in case.

"Aight, Raditz. Do your thing."

I glanced away as Raditz easily killed the cashiers there, the other people fleeing as fast as they could. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him.

The mythical, the fabled, the legendary... 7-Eleven crackhead. 

A homeless guy scrambled towards me, and I panicked, hitting him with my bat. With a sickening crunch, I saw blood splatter everywhere, on the linoleum floor and my old school uniform. The crackhead fell to the floor.

Dead.

"Oh... RADITZ FUCKING HELL I KILLED SOMEONE!"

I actually was about to be sick. Usually I didn't like hugs, but I let Raditz sort of hug me. Sort of because I was still holding the bat and it was getting in the way. I now noticed that the bat was metal painted to look like wood. This was actually quite terrifying.

"Hey, it's fine, all you did was kill him."

"All I did was kill him?! It's one thing to go on robbing sprees with your alien friend, it's another to serve the local crackhead a wake-up cup of linoleum floor!"

I ran to the bathroom and threw up, and then decided to clean off the bat. This wasn't a dream. I just killed a man.

I needed new clothes, this old uniform was all bloody. But... I didn't have new clothes. Shaking, I washed blood off my skin and went back outside.

"...Raditz?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we just not talk about this?"

Raditz shrugged, probably didn't see the big deal in one dead homeless man. I did.

Was this the start of something bigger? I didn't know.


	7. Scenario Two, Chapter Three: Hey Look Its That Voice Again

Later that night, I sat in the passenger seat, slurping up ramen. I was too scared to go into any city for the time being after committing murder. Raditz was behind me, and I was singing some Steven Universe song. 

I was shooketh. 

"...You okay?"

"No."

"Look, if it's any consolation, he was probably going to die anyway."

"Ugh, it's a little weird killing someone, you know!"

"...You wanna know something?"

I could tell this was about to be off topic, but I wanted off topic. I really did.

"Yeah, sure."

"I... I was kinda scared to fight my brother. Now that I think of it, I'm kinda scared to die. Damn, you're gonna make fun of me for that, aren't you?"

"Uh, being scared of death is the normal reaction to deadly situations, of course not! Duh! I'd be scared, too! I mean, fuck... Well, don't fight your brother. We'll figure some shit out."

I crossed my legs, leaning back and lighting a cigarette. I sure as hell was not about to sleep tonight. 

"...Can you sing again?"

"Huh?"

"Your singing. It's nice."

Oh.

Romantic? Oh, fuck. But I couldn't say no, so I started singing.

_That's right I heard the story over and over again  
Gee, it's swell to finally meet her other friends  
That's right I heard the story, don't really like how it ends  
Gee, it's swell to finally meet her other friends  
What did she say about me? What did she say?  
What did you do without me? What did you do?  
Did you play games without me? What did you play?  
Did you think all this time that I wouldn't find out about you?  
That's right I heard the story over and over again  
Gee, it's swell to finally meet her other friends_

  
_She's running circles around us!  
I'm rusty, give me a break!  
It really is her, but she can't be serious...  
You know her, Pearl? Can you tell us who she is?_

  
_Who am I? Who am I? What are you even saying?  
I'm the loser of the game you didn't know you were playing  
Let's play another game this time I get to win  
Lives on the line  
Winner takes all  
Ready or not  
Let's begin  
Oh, that's right I heard the story over and over again  
Gee, it's swell to finally beat her other friends  
Oh, that's right I heard the story, don't really like how it ends  
Gee, it's swell to finally beat her  
Other  
Other  
Other friends_

Bored and in a bit of a better mood, I sang on.

_I can make a promise  
I can make a plan_

_I can make a difference  
I can take a stand  
I can make an effort_

_If I only understand_

_That I can make a change_

_You can make it different  
You can make it right_

_You can make it better_

_We don't have to fight_

_You can make an effort_

_Starting with tonight_

_'Cus you_

_You can make a change_

I then noticed he was snoring and stopped singing. I went outside with my notebook and started writing, and only then did I start crying.

_"My teen angst bullshit has a body count. One crackhead in a 7-Eleven. Holy fuck I am going straight to Hell. And Raditz probably being in love with me is not helping anything. I still have no leads on why I'm here and I cant tell anyone the truth because no one will believe me and I just want to go back home and pretend they're all not real but now I know that they're all real and I dont know if I should help or stay out of it and let canon take its course or help and maybe get a better ending but risk making it all worse and-"_

I stopped writing and resisted a scream. My eyes wandered to my wrists. They were scarred from a worse time in my life. I don't know if my meds were cutting it anymore. Then again, murder was just the thing to give me horrible anxiety. 

I realized I had been scrawling into my notebook for hours. How badly had I hyperfocused on this? Badly, apparently.

It was getting worse. I crawled back inside and tried to sleep.

* * *

Now, this was a dream. I floated in blank space, hearing that voice again. A thousand voices merging into one, all around me.

_"She's being odd... No, maybe she just needs a different type. Perhaps someone as broken as her. Someone who's just as dark as her."_

I wasn't broken, but okay boomer.

"Hello?" I called out.

_"She hears us! What is this?! She should be sleeping!"_

"Huh? What's going on?!"

_"No matter. We can just bend the rules of this world to let her have someone. She can learn to love, she's young yet. Just need the right mate..."_

Bend the rules. What did that mean? Breaking canon? Was that what bending the rules meant? I willed everything I had into my next sentence.

"Tell me what's going on, right now!"

I heard the voices scream, almost in pain. The world shattered around me, and I saw my body begin to glow. The glow illuminated a being made of galaxies and starlight. I... I think that's what it was made of. The being recoiled, my veins glowing with bright light before everything shattered around me.

I felt... powerful.

_"What is this?! She's too much!"_

"Let me go! I want to go home!"

_"I can't do that. You are... too valuable of a test subject! You weren't supposed to get that power yet! Give it back!"_

Test subject? Was this some sick experiment?! I willed all this power into waking up, because I sure as hell wasn't giving it up.

The world fell into darkness, and I woke up.

* * *

"Raditz?!"

Nothing. He wasn't in the back. I went outside, and he was gone. Like he had never been here.

Did I... did I go to another scenario, like what happened with the Dragon Balls? I think that's what it was. So I didn't need the Dragon Balls to escape whatever scenario I was in.

Maybe they weren't my ticket home after all.

Getting into the car, I drove off, blaring music, seeing that my veins were normal again, unlike that weird dream. The roads were empty. Too empty.

Something was wrong.


	8. Scenario Three, Chapter One: Making Up A Backstory On The Spot 101

Something was very wrong and I kept driving until I saw another gas station. Wasn't a 7-Eleven this time, and that was especially jarring. I went in, seeing it empty. Not just empty, actually. Dust covered everything, the light flickered, and I didn't trust anything that was perishable.

This had been abandoned for a while.

I checked the expiration dates on everything. It was all past the date. Sighing, I supposed there was some medicine that was still good. Better than leaving empty handed. What could have happened here? I pulled out my phone, selecting a playlist full of hundreds of songs. I had labeled this playlist "A E S T H E T I C", playing it once I started driving off.

Bunch of synthwave, retro mixes.

What could have happened to this ruined world? My heart froze when I realized that this wasn't just a case of a ruined world. This was a case of a ruined future.

I heard something crash behind me, stopping the car and rolling down my windows. I didn't turn off the music, though. Hearing footsteps from either side, I looked out my window and found myself met with none other than 18.

Haha. I'm in danger.

"Been a while since we've seen a car down the highway. Where you headed?" I could hear fake concern in her voice. As expected from someone commiting mass genocide against the Earthling population for fun. Or out of her lack of a purpose. Whichever. Perhaps anger at losing her humanity. Who really cared?

With enough power, your motives didn't need to be entirely solid.

"Uh... Dunno, you kinda destroyed the places to go." I replied.

"Why's your shirt covered in blood?" 17 asked from the other side. 

"Murdered someone who tried to fight me for my food." Made up a lie on the spot, seems like they bought it. 18 laughed, I could hear the cruelty in her voice. But I held it together.

"Feisty kid, huh? Hey, 17. She's got some food in here. Might as well take it and have a little joyride."

Before he could reply, I huffed and rolled my eyes, glaring at her. Threaten my life all you want. Threaten my food and we're gonna have problems.

"You know McDonalds is on _every_ street corner? Hell, with the way you two act, you could get it for free! Why you gotta take mine, huh?"

"Shut it."

18 dragged me out, shoving me to the pavement. I supposed they were bored enough to torment a kid instead of killing one quickly. Where was the fun in killing someone quickly? She raised a palm at me, and I smiled.

"...Corn nuts."

Just as I said that, I heard a shout from 17. And from someone else. Oh, maybe I wasn't about to die. I scrambled back into my car and grabbed my bat while 18 was distracted, and then ran and hit her in the head.

The bat dented as she turned to look at me in anger. I dropped the bat, backing away as she shot a blast at me. Strange. My body did not just implode from that blast, all it did was knock me away. I got up with burns on my chest and a torn shirt, my ears ringing.

Should have figured the world would intervene. Should have figured I wouldn't die so quick. That'd be too easy.

Should have figured Trunks would save me. Damn. Kinda wished I could have just chilled up in Heaven.

"You! Get out of here before you get hurt!"

Sure as hell _wasn't_ doing that, Trunks. I backed away and lit a cigarette, still wondering how I wasn't dead. Did... Did something happen in that weird dream, where I heard the voice again? Had to be. I had to come up with something, and quick. Didn't have to be a good story. Just had to work.

Amnesia. That's it! Just say I don't remember much, but was around when this all started. Act like I don't know much about what it was like before all this. Easy excuse. Just gotta sell it with some impromptu storytelling.

Like in DnD. Yeah! I could do that! Would this fall under performance, persuasion, or deception?

I blew out some smoke as I watched 17 and 18 flee, seeing Trunks approach me. Showtime. No one was ready for how good I could play a character after all the DnD I had played.

Yeah, I was a fucking nerd. Look how it's helping me now.

"I told you to run."

"Didn't want to. Ain't seen anything like that before. Who are you?"

"Never mind that. Are you out here alone?"

"Yeah? It's the apocalypse. Don't know anyone I can trust, so... I'm alone. And then all of a sudden, I had the androids themselves coming up to me, talking about how they'd kill me and take my food. And no one takes my food."

I glanced at my bat, still all dented. Sad. I'd get another one at some point. Baseball bats were cool, and I didn't even really like baseball. I just liked hitting things with bats.

"Hey, are you listening?"

I realized Trunks had been talking while I was thinking about my bat. Yep, I certainly needed my meds. I looked back at him, inhaling some smoke from my cigarette.

"No, sorry, I wasn't. Hard to focus."

"...Okay, like I was saying. You took a hit from 18 like it was nothing. Are you... a human?"

"I have literally no idea. Don't know a lot about who or what I am, don't care. All I care about is getting through the apocalypse. People are going crazy." Time for some impromptu worldbuilding. "Like, the android threat has everyone going crazy at this point. It's like society will cease to be. I keep moving as fast as I can. Best way to survive is to keep moving."

"Well... Listen, I don't know how you survived that. But you did. And I can't let you go off on your own if you're going to attack a murderous android with nothing but a baseball bat. So..."

"Just tell me where we're going and we'll go. Get in."

I got back in my car, speeding off and blasting the Rainbow Road theme. My backpack lay in the back, open slightly. I hoped it wouldn't fall over and spill out. I really hoped it would just stay intact until I could empty it out myself, instead of falling over and getting all bent out of shape.

Like the huge secret I was holding about how this was an anime, the fact that I had killed someone, and the rising anxiety that I would never get home. Jeez, I was being more metaphorical than a literature teacher reading about how the curtains were blue.


	9. Scenario Three, Chapter Two: Actually Becoming An Anime Character

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really mention that I'm posting a lot of this on the same day so all three versions can be up to date at the same time

"Can she stay with us? She'll get herself killed if we let her go off on her own. She attacked 18 with a baseball bat!"

"I get it, Trunks. She can stay here. Probably safer, anyway..."

I interrupted Trunks and Bulma with one little phrase, sipping on some Red Bull since Trunks said I couldn't smoke indoors.

"I'm right here, but you kinda right. Sooner or later, I'm gonna run out of meds, who knows what'll happen then?"

"Meds? What kind of meds?" Bulma asked.

"Adderall and Citruline. I got some left if you wanna look at it, Science Lady. I just need a steady supply or else I turn into a Venti Depresso with an attention disorder."

I crossed my legs on my seat, sighing and staring up at the ceiling while listening to some soundtrack from Three Houses. I really needed to stop leaving my phone on shuffle, mostly because I went from Hamilton to Three Houses in one song and that was a wild trip. Now that I was here...

What would I do with that weird power I just magically gained? God, I sounded like a Mary Sue. Constructive critisism, please.

"Hey, you awake?"

I snapped out of my thoughts to Trunks talking to me. Fuck, what did he want?

"Yeah?"

"You want to learn how to fight?"

Oh.

Hell.

Yes.

* * *

"Okay, but what's stopping us, from, I dunno... Shanking them in their sleep? Or just killing them in any sort of way while they sleep?"

"I don't think they sleep."

"FUCK!!"

Training was harsh. But fun. Currently, I sat on a table, waiting for Bulma. Bulma said she had something for me, but I didn't know where she was at the moment. So Trunks and I waited.

"Well, uh... If they're robot people, can't we shut them off?"

"If we could, we would have a long time ago."

"Shit, uh... Alright, fine, time travel seems to be the only answer here. I still don't get why I can't go! The past sounds so much more fun!"

Trunks put a hand on my shoulder, and I moved it off. He was still learning not to touch me. Looking at me, I really didn't want to meet his eyes, but I did. This was uncomfortable.

"Listen... I know you don't want me to go." Wrong, I just wanted to go _with_ him, mostly so I could go to Hot Topic and a working 7-Eleven. "But I might be the only one that can do this... I have to do what my father, his friends... Even what Gohan failed to do."

"Aight, but can I go with you so you won't be alone? And because it'll be hella boring without me there?"

"I can't have _you_ getting hurt. Please... If you see the androids, you run. You run as fast as you can!"

I was most certainly _not_ running away from the androids, fuck you Trunks I have the survival instinct of a monkey with anxiety.

"Ugh, fine... Hey, if I give you money, will you buy me something?"

"I'd buy you something nice anyway. Come on, I'll be back before you know it."

I decided letting him hug me wouldn't hurt. He was about to start off this next arc, my guy needed some happiness. He walked away, presumably to go travel through time. I sat for a while, going back onto my phone until Bulma approached me.

I had probably been sitting there for an hour, I wasn't sure.

"Hey, miss Bulma."

"Made you something."

Bulma tossed a metal rod towards me. I pressed a little button on the side and saw the rod expand into a baseball bat. My eyes lit up as I twirled the thing in my hand. Light, strong, I loved this thing. I loved this thing like I loved Red Bull. I turned it back into a rod and looked up at Bulma with a devilish smile, thinking of all the heads I could crack with this little thing of mine.

"I love it, thank you miss Bulma!"

"You're welcome. Here's hoping we can survive out there, hm?"

"Yeah, here's hoping..."

I went outside for a little while, sneaking in a cigarette. Can't stop me now, Trunks. Bitch. I already had plans to find a few abandoned malls or something. See if there was anything left to take. Wasn't robbery if it was just out there, right? Maybe if I had to stay this whole arc, which it was starting to look like I would, I could probably convince Trunks to go with me.

That would be a day. Just two depressed teens raiding an old mall.

* * *

The sight of the androids landing in front of me told me that it was time to put my phone away and get up. Here we go, totally just gonna ignore what Trunks told me to do.

"Where's the kid, huh? We're stuck with this boring girlfriend of his? At least she dresses better than him..." 18 muttered, looking annoyed with me.

"We ain't dating. I don't like anyone like that. Jeez, get your heads out of the gutter and fight me already. Even though I was literally told not to fight you. Cause... Fuck it."

I got out my bat. I really should have gone with Trunks, that bitch was gonna get himself killed. And I wanted to see if dying would make me move on. Maybe if I went through enough of these weird scenarios of different characters, I could go home. 

Or maybe not, but I wanted to fight these little fuckers and no one was stopping me. I dropped my cigarette as it started to rain. Was that a bad omen? Was that an omen of death?

Yeah, it sure was. Their deaths, not mine. I raised my bat and pointed it at 17, and a blast shot out of it. Oh hell yeah, a bat and a gun! _AMERICA!_

"That's for Hot Topic!"

I then rushed and batted 18 away, feeling more and more confident.

"And that's for 7-Eleven!"

I have the power of God and anime on my side. _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-_


	10. Scenario Three, Chapter Three: Vibe Check

Some blasting, fighting, and Vine quotes later, I had me a time machine and was on my way to go help Trunks. In miss Bulma's words...

"I knew you would ask for a time machine at some point. Don't tell him, he'll figure it out on his own."

Pressing a few buttons, I got back in time, and the first thing I did was go to a 7-Eleven and buy me a slushie. Oh, it had been too long since I had tasted frozen chemical slush like this! I put my phone and shuffle and was geeted by Caravan Palace.

So that was the vibe for today. I could roll with this. Oh, I had to go to Capsule Corps! While walking through West City, I could pinpoint this as that one week before the Cell Games and then resisted the urge to start mass panic.

Can't get in trouble or I would never hear the end of this from Trunks.

"Okay, uh... OH MY GOD!"

A stand with boxes, with some girls wearing green vests covered in patches. Oh, fuck yeah!

I ran to a stand of Girl Scouts selling their cookies and bought three of each. Fuck it, I wanted my cookie fix and no one could stop me. I then got sidetracked by a thrift store and bought an old trench coat, along with a sailor school uniform, changing into it. 

This was an aesthetic and I was living for it. Okay, focus on going to Capsule Corps, dumbass! I decided that the best thing to do was to just knock like a regular person, cringing when I saw Goku open the door.

"Hey! I'm Son Goku! Can I help you?"

"Yeah, uh, I'm looking for my friend. Name is Trunks, he's got happy ass lilac hair and a blue jacket. And a sword!"

"...Oh, you must be (Y/n)! He said you were gonna stay there, though! Did something bad happen in the future?"

"No, I killed the androids and now I wanted to come here. Bought cookies in case he's mad at me. Anyway, where is he?"

"Oh, he's training with his father! You can wait here for him, though!"

Oh, yeah, that was a thing. I went inside and sat with my legs crossed, sorting through cookies and blasting music again. My baseball bat sat beside me. I didn't stop until I heard a voice.

"Hey, are you Trunks' friend? My dad said you were."

"Yeah. Who are you?"

"Gohan."

Aww, he was so adorable! I looked up with a smile, handing him a box of Peanut Butter Patties. I should really buy more and freeze them, this shit was _good_.

"Heard about you. Uh... Here, I bought a lot of these on impulse becase the girls were super nice, have a few before Trunks yells at me again."

"Why would he yell at you?"

"I wasn't supposed to follow him. Or fight the androids. And I did _both_ of those things. But _someone_ has to tell him that I killed the androids and it's better that I do it. Besides... I can buy some shit here. Willing to bet he hasn't."

"Oh... He talks about you all the time! He really likes you!"

"Like, or like-like? There's a difference."

"Like-like."

That was a problem. I huffed and leaned back on the floor, eating another cookie as Gohan sat next to me.

"Do you not like him back?"

"Uh... Not like _that_. I don't feel that way for anyone, I've found. I just don't want to. I don't see the appeal in having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I just want friends at my back."

"Oh, you're like Mr. Piccolo!"

Yeah. Gohan was the only ally I would accept now. We ended up talking until I heard the door open, heard Trunks talking, and threw a box of Thin Mints at him right when he saw me.

" _BEEP BEEP, YOU SAD FUCK!!"_

"(Y/n), what are you doing here?!"

"I did the opposite of what you told me to and lived. So fuck you. These cookies are the bomb, eat them!"

I got up, slurping up the last of my slushie as Trunks walked towards me. Oh, he was pissed. And he had long hair now. That gave me an idea. I fished out a red scrunchie I had found for him a while back and gave it to him, along with the box of Thin Mints.

He could tell I was trying to sugar coat the fact that I totally did a really, really big no-no.

"...What. Did. You. Do?"

"I, uh... Uh..." Oh, shit, now is not the time for my anxiety to just randomly kick in! "Uh... I MURDERED THE ANDROIDS WITH THIS BASEBALL BAT!"

"I told you not to fight them!"

"Well, I forgot, and they're dead, and I bought you cookies, and I'm not dead, so am I still in trouble? NookaybyeGohangrabthecookieswe'releaving!"

I snatched up as many as I could and ran. 

* * *

Later on, I was laying on the floor of Capsule Corps half asleep. Again. Why was it always the floor with me? I was too lazy to crawl up to a couch or a bed. And besides...

I hugged my cookies to my chest as I tried to sleep. It was going fine until Trunks walked in on me.

"Are you okay?"

"...No?"

I didn't move, which was a mistake because Trunks picked me up and I did not like it.

"Nnnnnnnooooooooo, don't touch me..."

"I'm just putting you on a couch since you're always too lazy to move."

"Fuck... you..."

"Sure."

Eww. I didn't reply with anything but a disgusted glare, pretending to doze off and hoping he'd just leave me on the couch here and be done with it. 

I was wrong. This bitch decided to just hug me. Was this cuddling? Oh, how disgusting! I prayed that he would let me go soon, still pretending to be asleep.

"...I know you're asleep, but... Thanks. For showing up in a car with a baseball bat and attacking someone out of your league. For trying to show me how to have some fun. For... Well, blatantly doing what I said not to do and killing the androids. You're stronger than I thought. And I know you can't hear me, but... I love you."

I want to Kashoot myself.


	11. Scenario Four, Chapter One: Passive Aggressive Ukulele Music

I woke up in a weird room. Wait. There were posters everywhere and my stuff scattered about, but a circular window revealed stars and infinite space.

So, not home. A spaceship.

"Hello? Trunks? Anyone?"

Nothing. I got up and wandered around the ship, seeing no one. I really was alone. I then checked the kitchen, and squealed in joy.

A freezer stocked with cookies and ice cream, along with pizza rolls. A fridge of eggs, guanciale, chocolate milk, and all the Red Bull I could ask for. Cupboards stocked with flour and sugar, pasta and seasoning, everything I could ever cook with. 

My dad would be so proud of all the food I would cook here. I snatched some eggs, some cheese, and some of that guanciale. That was some gourmet ass panchetta, basically. Panchetta 2, Electric Boogaloo. It was really good, is what I was trying to say. I then decided to try and land my ship before I cooked.

I didn't know why I knew how to fly. Must be a result of being in this world. What should I call this world? Because it was literal Dragon Ball fanfiction. Hmm...

Magical Fanfiction Romance Land. There we go.

I landed my ship and then went back to my ingredients. Some eggs, thickly chopped guanciale, grate the cheese into the eggs. Add in an extra yolk to be a little naughty, and crack some black pepper into that and set it aside. Cook the meat in some olive oil and them pour the grease into the egg mix. While doing that, cook your pasta, and when it's almost done, add some of that pasta water to the egg to loosen it up. Mix it all together into one big bowl, be careful not to scramble the egg.

And serve. You now have carbonara. Creamy, without cream. Add cream to carbonara and I would whack you with this baseball bat. No one disrespects the Italians like that. I slurped up my pasta, absentmindedly staring out the window at a barren wasteland. I wondered where I was, I had just been orbiting this random planet. Felt familiar, but I couldn't quite place it.

I wondered if this ship came with cookbooks. I may like junk food, but I lived with a good cook. My dad taught me all he knew about cooking. I put my dishes away after cleaning them and went to tidy up my room, finding an old ukulele.

I forgot that I knew how to play the ukulele. Not well, but it was something. I then went outside, recognizing the area.

Oh, fuck... This wasn't Earth. I went to the top of my ship, which was medum sized and black, and began to sing. There was some meaning behind this song aimed at someone I hated.

_Do you know why you're lonely?_

_It's cause you're fat... and gay._

_Girls don't choose the nice guys..._

_And you're a NICE GUY!_

_But you're fat._

_And you're fucking gay._

_And why don't girls see the inside...?_

_Oh they do!_

_And they see..._

_That you're still fat and gay._

_There's no such thing as the friendzone, friendzo-o-one..._

_The only reason that you're lonely... it's cause you're fat and gay._

_There's no such thing as the friendzone, friendzo-o-one..._

_The only reason that you're lonely... it's cause you're fat and gay._

I had a reason to sing that, the noise attracted someone. I saw someone in the distance run towards me at the sound of my voice. An old fuck that I held back from killing on sight for his sins. 

Paragus.

"You!! Who are you?! How did you get here?!" Paragus yelled.

"Uh, a spaceship, dumbass, how else? What's up?"

"A spaceship... You can get us off this planet! _Broly!"_

Whereishewhereiswhereishe- THERE HE IS!!! My boy, my sweet precious boy Broly. I saw him land next to his father, waving.

I didn't love him like _that_. Anyone that hurt my boy would get Vectored, simple as that. I knew what it was like being in Broly's position, somewhat. Call it my edgy backstory, if you will.

"Yeah, uh... Okay, I can get you to my next destination, but any longer than that and you pay rent, okay? Hope you like Earth! Get on!"

I led Broly and Paragus onto my ship, flashing a smile faker than Heather Duke's boobs. Showed them where to sleep, which was the couch. Showed them where my food was under the condition that they didn't eat some things, like the cookies. Showed them around and then went to the couch and fell over.

Okay, how could I kill Paragus without getting my shit rocked by Broly? What to do, what to do...

I then saw Broly come by with a box of pizza rolls. Frozen ones. I grabbed them away before he ate one.

"Wait, you gotta heat those up. Come on, I'll show you."

I then put the pizza rolls in the oven like a civilized person and waited until they were done. Now the whole ship smelled like pizza rolls and abusive old man.

"What are they...?" Broly asked.

"Pizza rolls. Eat up. Be careful, they're hot."

We stared eating this godly food until Paragus came in.

"What are you doing?" Pargus asked, directed at Broly. But I answered because fuck Paragus.

"Eating pizza rolls. I showed him how to use the oven. Just make sure I'm around when you use it so you don't burn everything."

Paragus sat down next to us and I wanted to die. 

"Where are your manners, Broly? Thank the girl!"

"Bitch, fuck you, let him eat. I don't have good manners, he don't have to worry. Christ..." I rolled my eyes and sat with my legs criss cross applesauce. Kindergarten vibes. "But yeah, you guys just ask for food and I'll help you make it. Could make you guys some serious gourmet shit."

I then wandered off to my little pilots cabin, setting course for Earth. Because I apparently knew how to do that. Sighing, I lit a cigarette and put on my phone, on shuffle.

Russian by Caravan Palace. What were these lyrics? What did it matter, when the vibe of this song was everything. I heard someone come in, relived when I saw that it was Broly. Not his dad.

"What is that?" He asked.

"A cigarette. Oh, you mean the music! Come on, sit for a while. Music's everything."

I put my feet up, letting him vibe out to whatever came on for a while. Went from Caravan Palace to Within Temptation, then to Steven Universe briefly.

"...It's nice."

"It sure as hell is. All from Earth, too! Which is where I'm headed. Do what you will once you get there, but it sure as hell won't be like that other planet you were stuck on. You gonna stick with your old man?"

"I have to. He's my father."

I then noticed that collar around his neck, resiting the urge to tear it off. 

"...What's that around your neck?"

Broly clawed at it, like he wanted to tear it off. I feel you, man.

"Father put it on me. It'll shock me if I get out of control."

"Excuse me, what the fuck?!" I needed this excuse to yell at Paragus. "I'm having words with him once we land. You can't just be shocked like some fucking animal! That's abusive! Fucking asshole, never trusted him..."

I could not wait to get my ass to Earth and tear Paragus a new one.

"...Why do you care? You aren't being hurt by it."

"Because it's wrong! I-ugh... Okay, don't tell anyone this. My mom was... Like your dad. Not very nice. She did a lot of cruel things to me. But I escaped her. And I'll be damned if I'll just stand back and let it happen again."


	12. Scenario Four, Chapter Two: Hell Hath No Fury Like (Y/n)

Snow blew into the air as I landed. I glanced at Broly, nodding at him. I hoped he understood that he didn't have to do everything Paragus said, because that was an important bit. For once, I needed to make sure everything in canon went smoothly as it could.

"Okay, here we are. You two probably ain't heard the rumors about this planet, huh?"

"No, why?" Paragus muttered.

"They say the Saiyan Prince might still be alive. And, you know... There ain't many Saiyans left out there. I think he's here. I hear a lot of things in my travels, you know." Best excuse I could make up on the spot.

"You mean...? It was his father that sent Broly away in the first place!"

"Not my problem, what's that guys kid gotta do with it, huh? Anyway, I can get you guys to a nice city if you want, then-"

I was cut off when I heard the sound of a familiar, happy-ass voice. I then remembered that the subplot was Frieza being a petty little bitch. Not that I was mad at that, if Frieza was too stupid to realize that high heels were a thing, that was his problem.

"Hey! You two! We got people over here!"

I remembered that I had stolen that shock collar remote from Paragus in his sleep and it was now in the trash bin of the kitchen. Not sorry. Baseball bat over my shoulder, I saw Frieza facing down Goku and Vegeta.

Showtime. To my surprise, Frieza turned to _me_. What did I do?

"You. You have a lot of nerve showing your face around me, Trench."

Oh, shiiiiiiit, did I have some popularity? Was I a space traveler? Did I become an OC I didn't even create? Yeah, probably. I decided to roll with it. I was getting better at making up stories. Okay, some space misfit OC, I can be a little rough about it since I'm improvising.

Wandering schoolgirl, to amnesiac defender of Earth, to space traveler. I wanted to stick with space traveler. Was I really named Trench after my trench coat? Nice.

"Sure do. Mind telling me what your short ass is doing here? And who are those two?"

"Hmph. One's the prince of all Saiyans." Frieza said that sarcastically, and for once, we shared the same look of sarcasm. "The other's just a lowlife."

"Aight- Shit, Paragus, ain't that bitch the son of whoever sent your kid to die? You still mad?"

Here we go. I squatted down, with my baseball bat over my shoulder, keeping an eye on Broly as I glared at Paragus.

"...It's true. The prince is here-"

"Your next line will be _'I've waited so long to have my revenge.'"_ To my fellow Jojo fans.

"I've waited so long to- Wait."

"Gotcha. How about you, I dunno, not bother the guy who had nothing to do with your son's exile?!"

"...At least the angry schoolgirl with the metal stick has a brain." I heard Vegeta say something, smiling a little. That was a compliment.

"You wouldn't understand, I need to-"

"Stop abusing your kid. Hey, you two!"

I walked in front of Paragus, holding my baseball bat over my shoulders as I addressed Goku and Vegeta. 

"Don't fall into this rabbit hole. Don't fight the guy. If anything, this old coot needs to get his ass beat. Broly's done nothing wrong!"

I saw Paragus looking for his little remote, crossing my arms and looking at him with a sly grin.

"Where is it, where is it?!"

"Gone. Reduced to atoms. Aka... It's in pieces in my trash. Why, you wanna use it?"

"What... what have you done?! Do you know what he could _do_ to us?!"

That was it. I stormed towards him, my bat in my hands.

"I don't care! No one deserves to be shocked like a fucking dog! No one deserves to be controlled for power they _never fucking asked for!_ You could have helped your son through all this, you could have shown him how to control his power on his own! But no, you just had to go and traumatize him for life! Don't you get it?! You think he's dangerous because of what _you_ did to him! He's like this because you made him like this! Your child has issues and it's all _your_ fault!"

Oh, he was done playing games. And so was I.

"Hey, Vegeta... why does the kid have such a bright aura? Is she strong? Hey, kid, are you strong?!"

"Shut up, Kakarot. We're about to find out."

I ignored those two, I didn't know what Goku meant by my aura. I assumed he was just mistaken. Right now, I was willing to die. Paragus just glared at me and turned to Broly.

"Broly... attack her."

Who would have thought? I saw hesitation in his eyes. I had treated him with human kindness and now he didn't want to hurt me. I could tell he was torn. I didn't even care if he loved me. I couldn't let anyone be abused like this, in love with me or not.

"S-she's our friend... She saved us."

"Not anymore. I said attack."

"Don't do it, Broly." I held out my hand. "You're your own person. Your father can't keep you controlled like this anymore!"

I saw him shaking, backing up as he started screaming. This was my chance. I didn't care if he killed me. Right now, I had the rage of a Super Saiyan, minus the power boost, and it was aimed at Paragus. I ran for him and I clocked him in the head with my baseball bat, hitting him until he stopped moving, until someone pulled me away.

"Let me go! He fucking deserves it!"

"Kid, stop!" I heard Goku's voice. Of fucking course. "Stop, he's dead!"

I got back on my feet, seeing Broly glare at me with... Anger. I dropped my bat and took one last drag of my cigarette as he rushed towards me, closing my eyes.

"...Omae wa mou shinderu."


	13. Scenario Four, Chapter Three: You Know What A Near Death Experience Calls For? Coffee!

I don't really remember when I got knocked the fuck out. But I was definitely dreaming right now. I floated in empty space again, stars all around me. That voice made of thousands of voices didn't appear immediately.

I tried to move, but failed. I kept trying, over and over again until I could just slightly turn my head. Right then, I heard a few voices. Voices that I knew.

That was Dennis. I tried to reach out for wherever he was, closing my eyes and relying on sound. He was saying something.... What was it?

_"...Summon... Power, corruption, and lies... What is it called again...? A S-"_

The voice cut off as another took its place. Alexa. I knew that voice anywhere.

_"Witch! Run... run away... I can handle it...!"_

The third, and final one that overtook Alexa's voice was that of Brittany.

_"...Frick you, Edel... Tea party..."_

I tried to find Dennis, stretching my hand out for him again. I could move a little more, more and more, until my hand brushed against another hand. Just then, a screech of a thousand voices cut through me. I opened my eyes and saw that being of starlight swing a fist at me.

So I threw a blast at it on instinct. The being screeched and I grasped for Dennis, faintly seeing his body. In fact, I faintly saw everyone's bodies around me, semi-transparent and asleep. We must all be sleeping. Dennis snapped awake, and I faintly saw him looking... A lot more muscular, with a flat chest and three small faeries around him.

And then I woke up.

* * *

"Fuck! That needs to happen less frequently..."

I was in a healing pod, apparently in my ship. I was kinda too lazy to check out everything in my own ship but that's a me problem. The water around me drained, leaving me soaked and freezing. When the door opened, I tore the mouth mask and gasped for air, falling to my knees. 

I was now cold and angry, so it was kind of like being back home, but not really.

"Oh, she's awake! We can go now, Vegeta!"

Goku shut the fuck up before I kick you off my ship. Huffing, I got to my feet and brushed water off my skin, seeing Goku and Vegeta waiting for me.

"...Did I do something?" I asked.

"No! You took a hit from that guy and lived, though! I'm impresse-"

"Can you please leave me alone?"

I laid back down on the floor, shivering. Vegeta gladly left, Goku stayed a minute longer and I hated it.

"You okay?"

"I'll live, just... Just leave me alone, whoever you are..."

He then left me alone and I lay on the floor like a washed up fish. Dennis. I heard him. No, I touched him. My friends were here with me. He said something about power, corruption, and lies...

Where could he be? It cut off? And what was he summoning?

Wait.

Summoning power, corruption, and lies. I got it!

I was an absolutely insane New Order fan. Mostly because my dad got me into it. They had an album named... Power, Corruption, and Lies. Combined with those three little faeries, and his muscular physique, that could only mean one thing.

Broly came in just as my phones alarm started blaring Aztec dubstep. Why couldn't I be in Jojo?! Would have loved to have a fucking Stand. And I would have absolutely named it after a New Order song. Or Caravan Palace, to be honest. All depends.

"Are you okay?" Broly asked.

"It's medication time."

I ran to the bathroom and took my meds, noticing a huge scar over my chest. I assumed that was from when I got punched in the chest really fucking hard. I downed a few painkillers as well, turning back to Broly.

"Okay, medication time is over. You okay? I... _I'MSORRYFORKILLINGYOURDADHEMADEMEREALLYMADBECAUSEHE'SANABUSIVELITTLESHITAND-"_

Broly hugged me and I kinda just pushed him away because I didn't want a hug. I wanted...

Coffee.

"(Y/n)... You brought me back from whatever I was in-"

Broly please let me go get coffee.

"-And I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to leave you-"

I need caffeine.

"Broly!"

He looked at me and waited for a reply.

"...Forget all that sad shit and come get some coffee with me."

"What's coffee?"

"Come on!"

I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him outside.

* * *

_"Dakedo kyou mo joujou ni monku nanka ii atte, nichijou wo odoru, Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town!"_

You would think that anime alone taught me Japanese, but no, that's not how languages work. No, this was a combined effort of anime, Duolingo, and other ways of learning Japanese because I was learning out of spite. It'd be great to watch anime in Japanese without subtitles.

Especially Jojo.

Also I wanted to go to Japan with the Squad one day and it'd be better if at least one of us could read and speak a little Japanese.

I realized I should stop muttering song lyrics while in line at Caribou and start keeping an eye on Broly, who stood out of place among the normal humans. Okay, order some coffee, wait for it...

Yes! Amazing! Caribou had the best coffee anywhere and you could fight me in that. Now that I had some caffeine in me, it was time to go wild. Which meant it was time to find a Hot Topic. But all I could find was...

Spencers.

Which was fine but I was not explaining to Broly what all the sex toys in the back were for. Spencers was great, I just avoided the back of the store for many reasons. People are into some... Interesting things. I decided it would be best to focus on the shirts and the clothes. And... Piercings?

I should get piercings! I might have the cash, it'd be nice to. My dad said he'd buy me some on my birthday, so I still had to wait. But now I had some money, so...

"Hey, Broly, pick one." I pointed at a whole bunch of piercings and waited until he pointed at one, enthralled with all the different piercings.

"That one... What are these?"

"Piercings. You get tiny holes poked in your skin so you can put these in."

"But why?"

"For an aesthetic. God, I have some cash, maybe I should get my lips done, too! Ah, hell with it! All the piercings! We can come back here and buy some later, I just wanted to see what you thought."

I hoped he didn't realize that I was just trying to distract him from what happened because I didn't know what a more long term solution would be yet. Probably some therapy.


	14. Special Scenario: Do You Take Constructive Criticism?

I had gone home and picked out a place to get piercings done, and then put Broly to sleep with the hopes of actually talking to him later.

Only I woke up and he wasn't there, so... Can't do that. I then decided to go ahead and get piercings. Lots of them. My ID had conveniently changed so I could actually get in and get them done.

I should do tattoos next. Not like I'm gonna get my degree now, so what the hell? Get all the cool tattoos I've always wanted, fuck any boomer that looks at me funny. But that could come later. For now, I was actually alone.

For once. 

Tending to my new piercings a few hours later, I got out a whiteboard and a marker and began writing on it.

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you here today."

I spoke to a gathering of stuffed animals.

"I need an official persona. It's been building for a bit. Frieza mentioned that I had a lot of nerve showing my face around him, so I give him and his group shit. But not that much, he didn't try to fight me. Anyway, I'm a troublemaker and I have some power. Whatever I got from that weird space thing made me tough."

I wrote down the words CRINGE ASS OC and paced around.

"But I can't tell people _that_ , so... I have power because... Well, I'm not a Saiyan! So what could it be? I got it!"

I wrote down one word.

"Android! I'm an android! But who made me? We got a name, Trench. Let's use that as a nickname or a title. Now, who made me? Am I a failed Gero reject? Nah, I function, Gero wouldn't toss me out. But does it really have to be Gero?"

Idea!

"Does anyone even need to know? I used amnesia as an excuse with Trunks. So we'll say I have amnesia and don't even know who created me! There! Pretty convenient."

I erased the whole board and made a bunch of bullet points.

  * Nicknamed Trench
  * Amnesiac android
  * A crime against humanity
  * Not really I'm a lil bean sometimes
  * Gourmet fucking chef I can make some good shit
  * Baseball bats
  * _insecurity intensifies_
  * Confused but not about her asexuality
  * Memes
  * Good person we are not being villains again
  * Unless we really gotta be villains



Looked good to me. My phone began to buzz but it wasn't an alarm. That was my ringtone. I half expected a scam likely, but...

It was Dennis. I answered and held my phone to my ear, shaking.

"...Dennis?"

_"(Y/n)?! I knew something was up! I heard you in-"_

"-A dream? Same. I saw the others, grabbed you first. They were all asleep. I grabbed you and then woke up. there was this person made of starlight, and had this voice like a thousand voices, and it attacked me when I heard you."

_"So... it's not just me that hears it?"_

"You've seen it too?!"

_"Yeah! It said that I need a mate, but... I have Nathan! What the fuck?! Ugh, I'm just really liking this whole thing about having a dick, though..."_

"Where are you?"

_"Little place called MORIOH!"_

"Oh my god, do you have a Stand?!"

_"Yeah, three little faeries! Where are you?"_

"Dragon Ball. Anyone falling in love with you?"

_"Like you wouldn't believe. Girls and guys alike. I just tell the girls I'm gay. Which I am."_

"It's just guys for me so far. It's annoying. But I've gotten piercings and money. And a spaceship."

_"Sounds like- Shit, gotta go! Hey, who's the serial killer, anyway? Isn't there a serial killer?"_

"She's a Killer-QUEEEEEEEN!"

He hung up after that and I crumpled to the floor. My friends... My friends were trapped, like me. And now I could contact Dennis. My phone buzzed with one more text from him.

Uwu: _yo I can text you too keep up with me and try to get the others_

SSG: _got it_

I went to the kitchen and made some pizza rolls, putting my phone on and proceeding to do the Macarena until my pizza rolls were done. Putting them all on a plate, I went outsdie, fiddling with my new lip piercing and thinking about everything so far.

I was a literal insult to the canon of Dragon Ball, but then again, the only Dragon Ball fics I liked were only loosely connected to the canon storyline and put spins on everything to make it unique. Let's be honest, the story here wasn't the best, I stayed around to see how much stronger Goku could get. And for my adoptive anime kids. 

The best story potential here came from taking things in canon and putting new spins on them, in my opinion. My phone played Gives You Hell and I just sang along, rushing back in to take my meds before coming back out.

I suddenly realized I had been singing more than often. I was trapped here, but... I was getting better? Truth be told, it had been getting bad again. Mostly because of school, a fucking virus ravaging the world, and my mom's bullshit. But we don't need to talk about that. But I felt a lot better now.

A nice break did wonders. I had since come to terms with murdering a crackhead. He attacked me, and I panicked, and no one would know. I could move on from that.

I wondered where I was in canon. Looking around at the dusty wasteland interrupted by patches of grass, I sighed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

It was then that I heard fighting in the distance, getting up and grabbing my bat to fly for the source. I saw... I saw green darting towards orange, and on instinct, I ran to the green and smacked it away, acidic goop burning my skin.

Time to test out this new OC bullshit. I had made Jojo OC's for fun so I could make my own Stands, this wasn't so different. I realized what was going on and grinned like a devil.

"Oink oink, you capitalist pigs!"


	15. Scenario Five, Chapter One: This Scenario Is As Short As His Lifespan

I wiped burning goop off my face, facing down a pair of space pirates. Your favorite pair of Saiyan invaders, Vegeta and Nappa.

Fuck you both.

"Oh, who's this? Another one of your little friends?" Nappa asked, oh haha how funny I KNOW THE EXACT DATE AND TIME OF YOUR DEATH.

I then noticed that Yamcha was still alive.

Did I do that?

Damn.

Let's keep my man here alive. 

"Nah, don't know them, you just woke me up with your yelling. Seriously, you're so loud..."

"Vegeta, isn't that... Trench?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, my horrible OC has officially been recognized.

"You're only just now recognizing her? Suppose it wouldn't hurt to beat her, too..."

"No, it would hurt a lot, actually."

I should have put makeup on and gone with the emo schoolgirl aesthetic. Damn, just now realizing that. I decided I could think about my aesthetic after murdering these creepy little shitstains known as Saibamen.

Time to hit motherfuckers with my bat.

* * *

"You let him go? Fucking idiot..."

Well... Okay, everything went as it was supposed to. Except Yamcha was still alive but that was on me. Meh. He was tolerable. 

Meanwhile, Goku's dumbass spared Vegeta and I had the lovely opportunity to call him out on it, so I took it.

"If I let him go-"

"Bitch won't change. But whatever. So... You're probably wondering who I am."

Everyone gathered around and I sat on a rock, holding my bat.

"Name's (Y/n). Or Trench. Apparently this entire fucking galaxy cannot come up with a better nickname than what I always wear. Uh... Yeah, those guys work for a guy that I kinda hate. Frieza. Little lizard shit."

"Hey, are you sure you should be swearing around Gohan? His mom's gonna-"

"Yamcha, you motherfuckers brought a five year old to this! Don't give me shit about how I talk around him! Speaking of, I'll take one person with me to Namek to get your little friends back. But the kid stays. Who brings a kid into this, I swear..."

Blowing hair out of my face, I pointed at Goku with my bat when he raised his hands.

"I'm not bringing you."

"But-"

"You will starve on my ship because I am not equipped with food for your hungry ass."

I silently huffed when Yamcha raised his hands. Guess it was better than having all my pizza rolls eaten by a chronic dumbass.

* * *

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-"

Guess who had the bright idea to bake a cake and yank the pan out with their bare hands? Certainly not me.

"Are you okay?" Yamcha asked.

"I haven't been okay since I was eight."

Eight was the age when my mom really started acting like a bitch to me.

I sliced up the cake and ate half of it on my own. Because I was hungry. Yes, I have taken my meds, I'm just hungry.

This was definitely not comfort eating.

"Can I have a slice?"

"Yeah sure, man."

I slid a plate over to Yamcha and then ate the rest. Okay yeah this is comfort eating, I'm homesick.

"Hey, uh... Thanks. For earlier. I'd be dead if it wasn't for you."

"Yeah, man. Kinda glad that fuck Vegeta isn't dead. Can't imagine the abuse he's going through."

"What do you mean?"

"Okay, here's what I know from my travels. The bitch works for a racist lizard. And before they tell you a meteor killed the Saiyans, that's bullshit. Frieza did it cause's he's a coward. And Vegeta knows this. And he has to work for that tyrant bitch, with other racist people, especially the bitch that killed his people. Can you imagine living like that? Can you imagine having that held over your head? I can tell he's batshit terrified of leaving. I'm harsh on him, and... I shouldn't be. If anything, I'll kill Frieza myself."

"Really bad guy, isn't he?"

"The bastard killed a whole planet cause of some stupid legend! Hell, he'd have done it anyway! He's a genocidal little racist lizard. It's my goal right now to turn him into blood on the rocks. And then... Dunno, probably go back into space and find a quick gig."

"What do you do out here, anyway? The Saiyans seemed to know you."

Oh, shit, Yamcha was asking the good character building questions. 

"...Bounty hunting. Bat-for-hire. I do a lot. Some good, maybe some bad. Nothing I can't live with. Need money for meds."

"Meds?"

"I'm not giving you Adderall. Literally so many people want my meds. But I kinda need them."

That was true. Speaking of, it was time again to take some. I downed my pills and soon layed back on the couch, Yamcha sitting next to me.

Chill guy. 

"So, uh... What's with the blue lady?"

"Bulma?"

"Yeah, her."

"Uh... I kind of, uh, cheated on her."

"Damn. She's pretty. I mean, I'm asexual, but I can know a pretty lady when I see one."

"You're asexual?"

"And aromantic. If you make a comment about fixing me, you can choke in space."

Yamcha's next words surprised me.

"You don't need fixing. I... I was gonna ask you out after all this was over. But if that's your orientation, I gotta respect that."

I sat up, my eyes wide in surprise. This here was a man worth a damn. I always knew Yamcha was good for something. 

"...New best friend. New fucking best friend. You know how many fix comments I get in a month? All some guys see is 'strong independent woman who don't need no man-EXCEPT FOR ME AND MY HUGE DICK!' and it pisses me off!"

"Really? Damn, people can be idiots sometimes..."

"I know! Holy shit, that means so much, man!"

I ran and dug out some old, fragile comics. Why? They had wolves. 

"Oi, you like comics?"

"Sure."

"Read these. It's called Elfquest. Has wolves and shit. You like wolves?"

I had read them a bunch of times, so I played Minecraft instead. But damn... He blatantly said it. He blatantly accepted me. 

That actually did mean a lot to me, after all the comments I had gotten about how I was broken and needed fixing.


	16. Scenario Six, Chapter One: Time To Get Into The No-No Zone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you know that one tag of implied rape?
> 
> Yeah this is that chapter
> 
> I should mention that all the scenarios are loosely based off of actual fics I've read in my life, and that people not labeling their lemons ticks me off  
> Especially when it's some fuck shit like this

I was dreaming again. 

_'She's not cooperating! That's it! She needs to be punished!'_

I opened my eyes and found myself bound. Dennis was next to me, but he was unbound and asleep. I struggled and screamed, the thousands of voices screaming back.

_'Quiet, you! When will you learn that you need to be fixed?!'_

"I'm not broken! Didn't you hear Yamcha? I'm fine the way I am!"

_'He wasn't supposed to say that. Idiot deserves to die anyway. If you won't love, then... I'll make you love!'_

"Why are you doing this?! Who are you?!"

The voice grew low as I began to wake up.

_'I have many reasons, all beyond your understanding.'_

* * *

I snapped awake, and Yamcha was gone. Damn it. I plotted a course back home to Earth. Hm... What arc was I on? It seemed quiet.

My ship began to intercept a transmission. Someone was trying to talk to me. Couldn't hurt, I guess. I answered the call, and came face to face with...

Turles.

"So, you're Trench..." He growled, looking me up and down. "Don't seem like much."

"Okay, boomer."

"...Just as immature as the stories say. You cause me too much trouble. Fighting and killing my soldiers."

Oh, I forgot he had soldiers. It had been a while since I had seen Tree Of Might. I stared back at him, shrugging.

"Maybe I wouldn't if you stopped bothering people, you Frieza wannabe."

"Hmph. You'll be singing a different song soon enough."

Turles disconnected, leaving me with a horrible sense of dread. This wasn't a panic attack, but it sure was my anxiety. I suddenly grabbed my phone and texted Dennis.

SSG: _I think I'm in danger_

Uwu: _what's wrong?_

SSG: _idk if you know who Turles is. Bad guy, villain from a movie. I'm scared and idk why_

Uwu: _where are you?_

SSG: _space. If I dont text back assume the worst_

Uwu: _I'm sure itll be fine_

I was about to reply when something burst through my ship and knocked me out cold.

* * *

I woke up in a plain, dark room. Chains of impossibly reflective metal held me to a chair of the same material. I struggled, even trying to blast my way out. Nothing.

The door opened, and Turles came in. Oh, fuck.

"Hello, Trench. Comfortable?"

"Can I get a TV? It's so boring down here."

"Funny. You know why you're here?"

"Because you're a prick?"

Turles got close to me, grabbing me by the throat and choking me. How do people find this _hot_? It was horrible! I struggled, but nothing. What were these restraints made of?

"You're here because, when I'm done... You'll belong to me."

"Fuck you."

"Sure."

"...Words cannot describe how much I want to hit you with a chair, Turles."

Hold up. I leaned away, my heartbeat rising. It was hard to breathe, but I kept it together.

"Go fuck yourself."

"Only if you're there, too. I like the first option."

"That's not what I meant! I'm asexual!"

"Hmph. Clearly you won't be. Not after I'm done."

"I'd like to see you try! Nothing you do will make me love a sick fuck like you!"

I could just move on to the next guy, right?! Please let me move on. I willed everything I had into blacking out and moving on. Please, please let me go, please don't let this happen to me!

Nothing. Just Turles and this cold, empty room. Turles shot me with a blast, not hard enough to do damage but enough to hurt. I kept my voice in and spat at him.

"Tough one, are we?"

"You'll find I'm full of surprises!"

"You'll be full of something else soon."

"DROP THE SEXUAL INNUENDOS, I TOLD YOU I'M NOT INTO THAT!"

"Fine. I guess words don't work on you."

Turles grabbed me by the neck and started beating me down. I tried to fight, I really did. I wasn't strong enough to do it. I thought back to the dream I had.

This was a punishment imposed by what brought me here. Because the other five guys didn't get my affection. It thought I needed to be fixed.

I did not need to be fixed, I needed to be set free. Soon, I couldn't move. But I spat up some blood at Turles. Fuck that guy.

Not in that way.

"Had enough?" He asked.

"...Nope. Not convinced. Thought you were trying to fix me. Guess you'd have to break me first though, huh?"

"That's the plan, my love."

I closed my eyes as he pulled me up, feeling something sharp and wet on my neck. Oh, I did not like this feeling. Too many tingles that made me uncomfortable and disgusted. People _liked_ this? How? 

"S-stop it! I'm saying no to this!" Hamilton help me.

"Do you think I care? You'll only be able to scream my name when I'm done."

"I SAID STOP WITH THAT!"

"You saying no only turns me on more."

How the fuck was that supposed to make me feel better? People in real life really are like this sometimes, too... Fucking gross, I wish I had my bat.

With what I had left, I kicked Turles in the chest and fell to the floor, getting to my feet. He got up with cracked armor, and then tore the armor off his chest.

I snarled at him, my hands clenched into fists. Even as I felt dizzy, I stood.

I had to fight. I had no choice but to fight.

"Oh, you like it rough, huh? Fine! Have it rough!"

Turles slammed me to the wall, my head smashing against the wall countless times. How was I not dead? My ears rang as blood dripped from the back of my head. I tried to move and failed. 

No, it couldn't be like this! Could we please go back to killing crackhead in a 7-Eleven? It was so simple back then! Someone, help...

But nobody came.

" _Let me go, you fucking cunt!_ " I screamed with everything I had left. I wish I could have just blacked out then and there.

But I didn't. Something unbearably painful shot through me. This wasn't a fucking dream. Whoever put me in this position would fucking pay.

I swore that both Turles and the thousand voices in my dream would pay for this.


	17. Scenario Six, Chapter Two: 1000-7

I looked up and saw strands of white hair mixed with my usual (h/c). Oh, yeah, that was a thing. Then again, this was stressful.

Give me a red eye and call me Kaneki, I felt like Turles would make a good meal for a ghoul. 

Every fucking day, Turles came here to cause me pain. Not just by raping me, which I had lost count of how many times he had done that. Anything he could do to make me submit, he did.

I could see scars running across my skin from all of it. That, the white hairs, the blood on my skin.

I was sick of it. I had to figure out how to escape this chair and these restraints. My mind wandered back to the dreams, that burst of power I felt.

It was then that I heard the door open. Damn it. I needed to do something! I had to get out of this place. 

I had since noticed that we were almost to Earth. That had to be my chance. It had to be.

Turles approached me, and I looked up at him. It had been months. I had stopped talking. I had nothing left to say to someone like him. 

"...My love."

Nothing from me.

"Still giving me the silent treatment? Is that your way of telling me...?"

Before he could grab me by the throat, I spoke up.

"I'll do it..."

A lie.

"What?"

"I'll do it... anything you ask. I'll do it... I'm yours." I forced out every word I said as best as I could. "I just want it to stop hurting..."

Turles looked at me as I stared up with the best puppy dog eyes I could muster. I had to appear broken. Even though I wasn't. I wouldn't break to someone like him.

"...Had enough?"

"Yeah."

"Do you love me?"

"Yeah." Nope.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yeah." Absolutely not.

"...Good."

I let him kiss me. Disgusting. The restraints around me disengaged, I assume he had some remote or some shit.

"Follow me."

I got up and followed, watching every corner we turned until we got to what I assumed was his room. I stepped in, hugging my shoulders. It was freezing in here. And my anxiety was... existing.

I hated being off my meds. Would they even work now that my brain was fucked up by PTSD as well?

"Stay here. When I come back from my business on Earth... you and I will rule the universe. How does that sound?"

"It sounds great..." I lied.

Turles walked forward and kissed my forehead. I did my best not to flinch away.

"...I'm sorry I had to hurt you so much. But it's over, now."

"I know." Fuck you, Turles.

"Wait for me here. I'll be back before you know it."

He left, like an idiot. I was free, now. Once I was sure he was gone, I got up and left, sneaking out. I had to find my ship. I had to-

There it was! He must have fixed the hole he made in it. I ran in, getting my bat and downing some Red Bull. Oh, sweet sweet caffeine! I missed you! And I missed you too, bat.

I snatched up a red scrunchie and pulled on a trench coat, swinging my backpack onto my shoulders. For the first time since that dream, my veins glowed with a bright light. I snuck outside, planning out my next move.

I was going to set the tree on fucking fire.

* * *

"Is that a fucking Great A-" 

Oh, yeah, Gohan. I snuck into the actual tree and hid there, waiting for that to die down. One of the fruit brushed against me.

I instinctively grabbed it and ate it, clamping a hand over my mouth to stop myself from screaming as a surge of power rushed through me. I grabbed another and stopped at two, taking the rest and putting them in my bag.

Now, how to set this on fire? I glanced down at my bat, getting a good idea. But I would need to wait until Gohan wasn't a huge ape anymore.

Why did this have to happen? I should be graduating, not dealing with the aftermath of torture. I shouldn't have to deal with any more scars. Come to think of it... I could barely see the old ones, they were both interrupted by ones Turles gave me.

That fucker would pay. A pound of flesh is what I require. I flew into the air the second Gohan went back to normal, aiming my bat at the Tree Of Might.

Out of my bat came a beam of bright orange light. I put everything I had into that, seeing the leaves catch fire. Soon, I saw flames overtake the tree, and landed on the ground behind Turles, the heat burning against my back. 

He turned and faced me with a look of betrayal. Good. He deserved it.

"(Y/n)?! Wh-what-"

"Don't give me that. You believed me when I said I loved you?! After what you've done!"

I leapt forward and swung at him with my bat. He grabbed it, but I managed to kick him away, snarling.

"You traitor! I loved you!"

"Correction, you fucking abused me. There's a difference."

I shot a blast through my bat at him, then darted forward as my entire bat shone orange, clocking him straight in the head. He fell and I kept hitting him, over and over again.

"How's it feel?! How's it feel, huh?! Hope it stings! Hope it feels like I'm tearing you apart! Cause that's how it felt for me! That's exactly how it felt!"

Blood dripped off my bat by the time someone pulled me away. I instinctively struggled, hearing Goku's dumbass voice.

"Stop, he's dead!"

"I don't care! Let me go!"

I fell to the ground, getting to my feet. Turles was almost unrecognizable. Good. Turning away from him, I faced Goku with a dark look. I then looked away from him because he looked exactly like Turles.

"...I'm sorry for what he's done to you. It's over now. Whoever you are... You'd do best to just forget this happened."

I began to walk away before Goku grabbed my wrist. I pulled away from him as soon as I could.

"Wait! Who are you?"

"...Call me Trench."

I ran back to my ship, fighting through Turles' soldiers. Good riddance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, if only I could take every rape fic I've ever read and beat them all with baseball bat guns
> 
> label your lemons kids


	18. Scenario Six, Chapter Three: Aftermath

I started blasting Aftermath from my phone while crying on my ship. It had been at least a day of me trying to get shit together.

So I decided to pee on a stick and then had a breakdown when I saw two lines.

"I can't be... Pergenat! Bregant? Pregart? PREGANANANT! FUCK! I'm trying to say pregnant! Shit..."

I had watched that video too many times. But shit... Fuck you Turles! I don't know how to raise kids! And I sure as hell don't know what to do when pregnant! No caffeine, no smoking... 

Well, smoking I could do without. Caffeine, though? Needed it.

I decided to text Dennis.

SSG: _hey_

Uwu: _(Y/n)!!! Where have you been?! Its been months!_

SSG: _well I'm pregnant and traumatized so_

Uwu: _oh my god... who_

SSG: _turles. I killed him. Idk what to do._

Uwu: _maybe make a wish or something. Take your meds, too_

I left him on read, holding a bottle of pills in my hand. These would have worked before. But now my head was all fucked up even worse. They wouldn't do anything anymore, would they?

But cutting myself wouldn't make me happier, either. I put my blades and my meds away, resolving to make a wish on the Dragon Balls. If I was gonna have a kid, I was gonna have a crackhead my friends would be proud of.

I stepped outside and flew off for West City. Time to get a radar.

* * *

I came back home with a radar, turning when I heard the sound of meowing. Cats? Investigating, I saw a dead cat nestled between the roots of a tree, with some dead kittens around her. 

Except for one. One sickly little kitten wriggled free of her dead siblings when she saw me. A little Siamese kitten. I picked her up, seeing how scrawny she was.

A fire lit in my eyes. Nestling her in one of my inside pockets of my trench coat, I flew to a pet shop. I then realized I didn't have money.

No problem. I had a bat.

Some food formula, some cat food, a bed, a litter box, some toys and some soap for her. What would I name her?

How about Heather?

I then blasted a hole in the roof and flew away, flying home and getting to work cleaning Heather up. I fed her a little, not too much though. She promptly fell asleep, purring. I decided to go outside for a bit, sitting atop my ship.

What a trip. What a fucking trip. I couldn't just go back to my regular life after this. How could I? No one would believe me except for Dennis. I had to find them, but...

Was there a life for me back home anymore? Was I Trench now, and not (Y/n)? 

My thoughts were interrupted by a happy ass voice. I whirled around and aimed my bat at Goku, then realized it was him and not Turles.

Christ.

"The fuck you want?" I asked. 

"Was it you that took the radar? You kinda blew a hole into Capsule Corps! We need it back!"

Oh, yeah, I did that.

"...Wrong person. Leave me alone." I lied.

"Aw, come on! Don't be like that!"

"I've earned my right to be like that."

I leapt off my ship to come face to face with him, my arms crossed.

"Well, I also came here to ask you if you wanted to train! You seem kinda strong!"

"No."

"Why not? Please?"

"I said no."

I turned away, crossing my arms.

"But why not?"

"...Can't have my child getting hurt before they even get out of me, huh? Like I said, leave me alone. I got shit to do."

"Aw, fine... Hey, do you want to come to my house? My wife can make you some dinner!"

"I'm fine, thanks..."

He was trying to be nice. I went back inside and shut the door, falling into my bed. Not that I'd sleep.

I had at least nine months to avoid giving birth and dealing with a newborn. Any possibility I could deal with a seven year old straight up instead?

* * *

"YO BIRTH MY KID FOR ME AS A SEVEN YEAR OLD! YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?!"

Shenron was super fucking loud so I summoned him far away from Heather. Hopefully I could yeet on into hiding before anyone found me. 

I had kid stuff in my room. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl, so I just bought anime stuff and assumed their gender would be "weeaboo". I even had a name picked out.

_"YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED. FAREWELL."_

Fuck, that's loud. I felt a weird tingling sensation, a light shining from my stomach and splitting away from me. The light formed a small figure, and soon faded to reveal a little kid.

A sharp toothed grin and a tackle hug greeted me, knocking me to the ground. Black hair tied in ribbons and basic, plain clothes. 

"Mommy!"

"...[Quartz](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1BldFs2UKLA1uRUFg2EJ4qHdnWV82PER3)?"

I picked the kid up. Looked like a boy. I think it was a boy. I hugged my son.

"You have scars... just like the dragon told me!"

"The dragon told you about me?"

"Yeah! He said you're from another world! Says you can't keep that secret from him but he won't tell anyone. Said I'm supposed to never ever tell anyone that secret, either!"

I walked with Quartz back into my ship and watched him run over to play with Heather.

"Kitty cat! What's her name?"

"Heather."

I went and grabbed my ukulele and jammed out a song.

_Konnichiwa, senpai  
Please notice me  
I watch Asian cartoons  
I'm a weeaboo  
  
I live in my mom's house  
I'm like 32  
I collect swords and throwing stars  
'Cause I'm a weeaboo  
  
Sticks and stones may break my bones  
But I will always be one step ahead of you  
Because I read the manga  
(You're such a fucking pleb, are you even even Japanese bro?)  
  
I haven't showered in like 16 weeks  
All my friends and peers are ashamed of me  
'Cause all of a sudden  
I think I'm Japanese  
  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
A filthy weeaboo  
(Naruto's so overrated)  
A dirty weeaboo  
(You wanna see my katana collection?)  
A fucking weeaboo  
(I'm learning Japanese on Rosetta Stone)  
A disgusting weeaboo  
(So I'm like basically Japanese now)  
  
I live at my computer desk  
And argue with teenagers on the internet  
About atheism  
And how Japan is superior to other countries  
I learned a bit of Japanese  
So now I'm qualified to be a part of their community  
So I made my avatar a kawaii waifu  
  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
(Uh duh, everybody wears kimonos)  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
(Ninjas are still real, okay?)  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
(Uh, k-konnichiwa)  
Yes, I'm a weeaboo  
(Yeah, domo arigato)  
A filthy weeaboo  
  
A dirty weeaboo  
A fucking weeaboo  
A disgusting weeaboo_

I was totally not ready to raise a child. At least he looked nothing like Turles.


	19. Scenario Seven, Chapter One: (Y/n) Does Not Got DILF And Doesn't Want To

I fucked off into space the second I could and promptly fell into a dissociative fit that I counted as sleep. No telling if I had moved on to the next scenario yet. Probably had. Turles was dead, so...

I walked out of my room and saw Quartz feeding Heather out of a bottle.

Hey, kiddo..."

"Mommy! I think Heather was hungry..."

Quartz's little tail swished around, I assumed that meant he was happy. I put on some Steven Universe, an episode with Rose in it.

"Who's that?" Quartz asked.

"Rose. Rose Quartz."

"Quartz? Like me?"

"You're named after her. I liked the name Quartz."

"Oh. Is she a good guy?"

I sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"She tried to do what she thought was right, yes. She made mistakes. But she tried."

Quartz snuggled up next to me, Heather curled up on his chest. All was quiet. All was nice.

And then an alarm blared from my ship to tell me that I needed to fix something. I huffed, landing on the nearest planet.

This place seemed familiar. 

Quartz ran outside to play for a bit while I did the repairs. It wasn't long before someone came up to me. I turned and saw a red bandana, a facial scar, and some armor.

Oh, fuck.

"Hey! What are you doing here?"

"Fixing my ship, why? Wait... Are you a Saiyan?!"

Fucking Bardock. Was not expecting that. I realized that this place looked familiar because it was literally Planet Vegeta. Fucking hell.

How long had I been working on this ship? I was feeling the bad vibes again.

This planet was gonna blow.

"Mommy! What's that weird light in the sky?"

"The sun?"

"No, that one!"

And I _oop_. I grabbed Bardock by the wrist and dragged him into my ship, Quartz following.

"What are you-"

"Shut up and sit down, your planet is fucked!"

"We have to do something!"

"Yeah, we have to run, dipshit! What are we doing against that?!"

I pointed to the bigass ki blast for emphasis. Hopefully Frieza did not notice the inconspicuous black ship flying away from him. Nothing to see here, folks.

Nothing but a guy who just lost 99% of his people, a little kid, a cat, and me. I kept flying and then blasted the Rainbow Road theme.

I suddenly had the urge to actually play Mario Kart and kick some ass.

"...That bastard actually did it..." I could hear how fucking heartbroken Bardock was. Appropriate response to your planet getting blown up.

"Yeah, uh... I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to you other than that you can stay here."

I left to go make something to eat that wasn't frozen. Maybe some... 

I got some cheese and some peppercorns, and then some pasta noodles. While the noodles boiled, I toasted the peppercorns and then ground them up. When the noodles were half done, I took some of the pasta water and mixed it up with some cheese. Peccorino, specifically. Parmesan 2, the better version. Mix the pepper into that, and then let the noodles mix with the cheese sauce.

You now have cacio e pepe. Literally cheese and pasta water. Cooking brought me back to simpler times of Thesis and my friends. 

"DINNER IS FUCKING READY PEOPLE!"

I stared down Bardock until he took a bite because _not_ eating isn't going to help and I know that from experience. 

So, uh... Where to?"

"Both of my sons weren't on the planet. I know where one is. The other is... Headed to a place called Earth. We have to get there before he does."

"Fucking superb, where's the first one?"

This was gonna be fun.

* * *

"Shut up and get in the ship, little jackass."

It took us a minute to get Raditz in my ship, but on the plus side... we also got Vegeta. Aww, they were all so cute as kids!

Quartz immediately took them both to the living room to explain to them what the rules of my ship were. Standing in a little fur-collared coat and a ruffled dress, he put his hands on his hips.

"No fighting unless you're away from the ship."

"But-" Raditz began to talk.

"Did I fucking _stutter_? Rule two is that you're welcome to do whatever you want, just don't bother Mommy. She has something called PTSD and if you set it off, she'll be upset."

"What's that?" Vegeta looked like a sullen little shit as usual.

"It's when a bad thing happens to you and you react really bad when you're reminded of it. She said she was... Raped? And that's how she had me! But she's really strong and if you get on her bad side, she'll beat you! So don't make Mommy mad!"

"Hmph... She looks weak. Why can't we go back home, anyway? And why are stuck with some low-life?"

Oh, Raditz did not like that comment towards his dad.

"Hey! You take that back!"

"Or what? I'm the prince here! You're all lucky I don't have you all killed!"

Quartz stepped in to shut them both up.

"Your whole planet got blown up by the guy you work for. Also, disputes over social class are a big no-no! We don't care who your daddies were, because blood is blood! It's red, salty, and turns brown when it dries. So you two better get along!"

Silence for a few seconds. Until Raditz spoke up again.

"Are my dad and your mom, like... a thing now?"

"Nah, Mommy doesn't want a husband."

"Really? How'd she have you, then?" Vegeta asked.

"Rape. Mommy's asexual. But she kept me."

Quartz ran off to get little Heather, not noticing that I was listening. Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed that Bardock was also listening until he came up to me.

"...Is your kid right?"

"Be more specific... Yeah, he is. But I'm pretty sure I killed the guy. And that's all I'm saying about that."

I then ran to my room, closed the door, and tried not to cry. Aka... I cried a lot.


	20. Scenario Seven, Chapter Two: Single Parenting

"Okay, dipshits, we're on Earth."

I stepped out of my ship and fell to my knees, felt good to be back home.

"Anyway... Bardock, you go find your other kid or some shit. I'll, uh... get some cash?"

I immediately took Quartz and just left. Where was the nearest bank? I wouldn't hurt anyone if I just robbed one bank, I guess... I then noticed that Vegeta was following me.

Aww, cute kid. He wouldn't get much taller than this.

"You coming with?"

"Nothing else better to do. Where are we going, anyway?"

"Rob a bank, I need cash."

"Wait, you're... robbing a bank?"

"Yeah? Come on, let's go."

I found one. Nice. I decided that the best way to start this off was just coming in through the roof. Yeet.

* * *

"Alright... I'll explain this again."

I pointed my bat at a bunch of terrified Starbucks employees.

"We can't kill them. They're gonna make us our white girl drinks. You want one or no?"

"What's pumpkin spice?"

"Vegeta, it defines every white girl in existence. It's also not half bad and I want coffee. You want one or no?"

He nodded and I gave the employees a little look, watching them scatter off to make us our white girl drinks. Cups in hand, we left to return home. 

"...Tastes funny." Vegeta mutteted.

"Yeah, that's coffee for you. I hope you didn't plan on getting sleep."

"Why?"

"I'm teaching you and Raditz how to play Mario Kart because Bardock probably won't play it with me. Give him space, he lost his wife and is looking for his kid."

"Don't we have enough kids?" It felt weird to see Vegeta as this snooty little brat below me.

"Whatever."

We landed back at my ship and I proceeded to immediately put my coffee down and fall over. Heather ran up to me with a bunch of squeaky little meows.

"...Miss me?" I picked her up and then saw a third child. Little baby Goku. Looked just like Bardock. Is it just me, or are the Rubies and lower class Gems in SU based off how lower class Saiyans look a lot alike?

That was a thing.

"The cat did." Bardock muttered, still looked down. "Raditz and I found Kakarot."

"I can tell. Oi, I robbed a bank to feed you fuckers, so you better be okay with my cooking."

Could make carbonara. I did make carbonara. Because fuck you. Feast upon this good shit right here because it's everything. I decided to scroll through my phone, seeing a bunch of texts from Dennis.

And... Nathan?!

SSG: _NATHAN WHAT THE FUCK_

Nate: _hey_ _(Y/n) Dennis got me out of that weird dream space. Hows it holding up for you?_

SSG: _okay so yall know who bardock is, basically gokus dad. Been chilling with him and some kids. Dude ain't taking the destruction of his planet very well_

Uwu: _christ you're okay tho?_

SSG: _as long as turles dont show up I'm fine_

Nate: _who's that_

SSG: _okay so long story short I have a kid now and you know I'm asexual. Anyway where you at Nathan_

Nate: _uhhh... Elfen Lied?_

SSG: _stay safe vector boy_

I put my phone down and saw that everyone but me had finished eating. Saiyans, man. Saiyans.

"...Mario Kart, tonight?"

* * *

I decided it was best to hide my copy of Xenoverse 2, just in case. So I let the boys play Mario Kart while I sat cross legged on a chair with Bardock.

Probably should run the dishwasher, but I'm too lazy.

"...So, uh... You think that Frieza bitch will follow us? There's no way he didn't see my ship."

"He will. He wants us all dead. Especially if we have the prince of all Saiyans here with us."

"Oh, yeah, forgot we had royalty. Anyway, uh... We gonna fight him if he comes here, or what? Cause I'll fight him with or without you, he's a dick."

"You get into trouble with him?"

I laughed, making up a story as I went. All about making up a character as you went along.

"Okay, Bardock, lemme educate you a thing. I usually wear a mask when I'm out fighting him. He don't know what my face looks like."

I'll find a mask later. It just popped into my head, like a lot of my worldbuilding did.

"But, like, imagine this chick in a mask with a trench coat beating the shit out of your soldiers. Just imagine that. Imagine how pissed you'd be at whoever's doing that, especially when you're a petty little bitch like Frieza. I've never seen him in person. I like taunting him about how he can never catch me. Makes him mad. He'll come here just for me after that stunt I pulled, saving a few Saiyans. Especially the prince. Shit... Gonna be an interesting time."

It really would be interesting. Me and a bunch of surviors of a dead race fighting a mutant royal lizard. When did my life get this weird?

Granted, I did some weird shit with my friends.

"We can worry about that when it happens."

I stared into space for a while, realizing I had forgotten what we were talking about. Fuck, not again.

"Uh... You wanna go sleep, cause I fuckin' don't at the moment."

"Not really."

"Great. Uh, I got some fuckin' stories if you wanna hear them?"

I took his silence and expectant look as a yes. What to say, though? What story to tell? DnD? My adventures with my friends?

No.

Even better idea.

* * *

"...So, then they take Caesar's body by force, burning it within the city walls! The plebs were in uproar over his death! That's how much they loved Caesar. That's how I wanna go out. Let the people take my cremation into their own hands and burn me within the city walls. Pile anything flammable onto the flames! That's how I want my body to go."

Okay, so long story short, I was on an ancient history roll, talking about how we put the empire in Roman Empire. Couldn't wait to tell Bardock about _Nero._

Yeah, that guy castrated a kid, murdered his mon, slept with his aunt, and wanted a house of gold in the middle of Rome. No one likes Nero. Bardock was about to learn why. Funny thing, he hadn't seemed romantically interested in me. Maybe that was grief over his wife. Maybe he knew I was aromantic already and decided to keep his distance. Good man.

I always knew Bardock deserved better. I couldn't tell what his reasons were. Because knowing this weird world, he definitely either would or already had fallen for me.

But he didn't say anything so that was good. More time to talk about the glory of Rome.


	21. Special Scenario: We Are The Ginyu Force!

I fell asleep, much to my fear, but then realized this wouldn't be a nightmare.

This was one of _those_ dreams. I got up as soon as I could control my body, seeing Dennis and Nathan rise. I hugged them both, noting the little cat-like horns coming from Nathan's head. 

"This is so weird... Any idea why we're here? That weird starlight guy just keeps yelling about experiments, mates, and test subjects. I can't tell why it wants us to fall in love when we obviously won't."

Nathan and Dennis shared a kiss, and I turned around to come face to face with eyes of white fire. The starlit being grabbed onto my neck, but was promptly knocked back by seemingly nothing.

Oh, right. Vectors. Dennis and Nathan flanked me as the being stood up.

"Let's start off simple. Who are you? You got a name?"

The thousand voices in one echoed again as the being faced me.

"...You can call me Writer-San, I guess. I never thought of getting a name, but it fits with you calling this fanfiction."

"If it isn't fanfiction, then what is it?! Why are you trapping us here? And what is with the romantic side of this?!"

"Well... To answer the second question, the romantic side is... Part of the process. To see how well you latch onto a whole other dimension."

"So, all of this is some sick experiment? What gives you the right to just tear our lives down, huh?!"

Writer-San grinned, standing guard over the nearest friend still asleep, which was Alexa. Brittany and Matt lay farther away. 

"Oh, (Y/n)... I'm from a higher state of existence than you. To put it in a way someone as simple as you would understand... A lion does not concern itself wi-"

"Bold of you to assume I'm a sheep. Let us go!"

My veins began to glow again as I rushed forward, striking Writer-San in the chest. They fell backwards as I tried shaking Alexa awake, and as Nathan leapt forward to attack.

"Alexa! Alexa! Play Despacito!"

"...The fuck you say about me...?"

Alexa sat up just as Writer-San screeched and tore away from Nathan, darting towards me. I saw my skin grow paler than it ever had in my life as I struck them again.

And then I woke up.

* * *

Bardock was gone, as were the other three kids. Quartz was shaking me awake, his eyes wide.

"Mommy! You're glowing real funny! And why are your eyes green?!"

I saw the glow around me fade as I went back to normal. Heather was curled in my lap, utterly oblivious to everything. I set her aside and went to the pilots cabin, Quartz curling up in a seat next to me. Maybe it was time to...

Apparently scroll through interplanetary news outlets, because that was a thing now. They all said similar things, all about me.

_Trench strikes again! Small settlement raided by lone android._

_Trench, who does she work for?_

_Wandering android single handedly robs interplanetary bank while blasting music._

_Trench raids every pet store on a single planet, only takes cat supplies._

_"I'm jacked up on caffeine, fear me bitches!" Who will stop the android menace?_

I got a chuckle out of a few. Quartz curled up with Heather next to me. All was peaceful, for once.

And then my ship's version of a phone started ringing, which forced me to put pants and a trench coat on. I answered the call, and... Well, I didn't screech. I spoke.

"...Hey, you're Lord Frieza, aren't you?"

Well, I was right. He didn't seem mad at me.

"And you're Trench. You've made a name for yourself recently. Ruthless, cold hearted, willing to do whatever it takes."

"And bored. And I do have a heart. Just... Only for dumb animals. I don't like killing dumb animals or kids. Dumb animals are cute. Other than that, fuck 'em."

"That's what I like to hear. How'd you like a job?"

A job? Money?

Oh.

Fuck.

Yeah.

* * *

"Okay, but does this elite squadron come with cat food? I have a dumb animal on board."

"The kid or the cat?"

"The cat."

Quartz sat on my shoulders, cradling Heather as I got a tour of the ship. Hell yeah. Frieza seemed to like me in a "fight for me and I'll pay you" kind of way.

I was cool with that. That was a platonic bond that I was cool with.

"We can make arrangements for the feline and the kid later."

"Great. Health benefits?"

"We... have healing pods?"

"How much do they cost?" If you couldn't tell, I had worked in retail. What a nightmare.

"They're free?"

"Hourly?"

"What?"

"Do I have to punch in a time clock?"

"No, you get free room and board, and a flat salary. Maybe a bonus if you're good."

"Great, let's do this."

We kept walking, and I kept liking this ship even more. My ship fit in this bigger ship! So cool!

I was still wondering what I'd be doing in this... Frieza Force.

"So, where we going, chief?"

"You'll need to test your strength. But I think you'll win."

We went into a huge ass room, and I was met with a bunch of posing dumbasses. Weak. Scoffing, I posed back, doing a cross between the Heathers and the Hamilton pose, a hand on my hip and a fist in the air.

Get on my level, Ginyu Force.

* * *

About a few hours later, I lit a cigarette, standing over their fallen bodies. They weren't dead, I just beat them.

"...So, uh, is that it?" I asked. I felt my skirt flutter up and panicked before realizing I had leggings. I looked down and saw Guldo pouting.

"No fair! She's wearing leggings!"

"Maybe don't try to peek at an asexual's underwear. I have a tendency to beat the shit outta pricks who do that."

Putting my hair in a red scrunchie, I walked up to Ginyu. He looked... Impressed? I did beat him and his squad, so...

"(Y/n), right?"

"Yeah. What's up, chief?"

"Welcome to the Ginyu Force is what's up."

"Great. Y'all look like some dramatic sons of bitches, and I am living for it."

Oh hell yeah! I got paid to be in this bitch squad? Hell to the yeah! I heard something break behind me, seeing both Jeice and Recoome looking through a now broken scouter, aimed at me.

Was I that strong?

"Hey, why can't we sense you at all? This thing broke!" Jeice yelled out. I could tell he was gonna be my best friend.

"I'm kind of cybernetic. So... Yeah. Y'all got weird shit going on too, and I dig it."

I was a good enough sport to help them all to their feet. As far as I could tell, Magical Fanfiction Romance Land hadn't hit me with an Anime Lover Boy yet.

Good.

* * *

"Hey, you fuckers think this armor makes my butt look good?"

I actually liked this new set of armor. My trench coat went over it well enough, so I wasn't complaining. Right now, I stood in my new room, my new teammates with me. Quartz even had a little set of armor on, petting a purring Heather.

"I dunno, can I get a closer look?"

"Shut up, Guldo! That's not how you talk to ladies!"

I watched Jeice smack Guldo upside the head, and that made me laugh. This seemed like my type of friend group. Crackhead vibes.

"Look, he can't be worse than some of the creeps at Walmart. I've seen some shit in those stores."

"What's Walmart?" Burter asked. I gathered them all around and began telling the tales of the People Of Walmart.

"If you ever feel down about your life, go to any Earth Walmart at 3AM and people watch, you will _immediately_ feel better about your life. Like, I worked there for a few months before I left Earth, and I had like three people shit down aisle six. And, I ain't cleaning that up! I'm not paid enough to deal with that, so I put caution tape around the aisle and just left it, and like everyone just walked around it. I also had, like, a guy making meth in the bathroom once. He even offered me some! I turned it down, cause it looked like shit meth, but yeah. Walmart is... Meth addict haven. 7/11 is crackhead haven, Taco Bell is stoner haven, and Dennys is just for feral people."

"Why can't we go to Earth?! And what's Dennys?" Recoome asked me. Good. This was great.

"Y'all motherfuckers ain't lived until you've experienced peak Earth drug addict culture. Don't get me wrong, Earth can be awful, but it's got good entertainment and we should keep it around."

I crossed my legs, putting on... Heathers, the musical. Cause...

Poses.

"Everyone shut the fuck up!"

Ginyu yelled out to the others as we all started watching.

This felt... Right.


	22. Special Scenario: Squad Goals

Well, it had been a few months, and I was already besties with all these motherfuckers.

"Guldo, what are you- JEICE HELP ME GULDO'S DOING A BAD THING!"

By that, I meant I had heard a theme of Doki Doki Literature Club and realized Guldo probably thought it was an actual visual novel. Peeking over, I saw Guldo fall out of his chair with a shriek.

Sayori was hanging. Good fucking job.

"What the fuck is he playing?!" Jeice asked me.

"A horror game I have? Get the others, we're gonna finish it."

I got Guldo back on his feet, shushing him from screaming any more. When everyone else got here, I restarted the game, played through it again, and got to where Guldo had gotten.

They all screamed.

"Sayoriiiiiiiii!" I heard Recoome scream, sighing. This is fine. Right? I went on to the poems, letting them pick the words. They all started squabbling.

"Pick 'hop'!"

"No, pick 'heartbreak!'. Yuri is best girl!"

Oh, I had also taught them anime terminology. I basically ran a high school level class in my fandoms just for my new Ginyu Force friends.

"Shur the fuck up, Burter! I'm picking 'bunny'!" I snapped.

We played on, getting to Yuri being... Yuri. When she pulled out a knife and stabbed herself, I covered my ears.

Good, too, they all started yelling.

"Oh, shit! She's fucking dead! What do we do?! Choose something!"

"Jeice, you're yelling right in my fucking ear..."

We pressed onwards, to Monika's room.

"I knew it! Monika, you bitch! You took the best girl away!" Ginyu yelled. I had gotten these grown ass men to yell at this computer screen.

"Which is... who?" I asked. No one replied. The waifu war was impending. We got to the end credits, and I sang along to Your Reality as the game ended.

They all went back to their rooms for a solid hour while I cleaned up.

* * *

"So... Are all those games like that?" Guldo asked.

"Guldo, you can get laid with anime girl body pillows when we go to Earth. Okay?"

I got my armor and my trench coat on, putting on some makeup. We had to go down to Namek pretty soon. Quartz was gonna stay on ship with Heather.

This was gonna be fun. And I had a bit of a deal going. Earlier in the week, I hired out someone to do my nails.

And Jeice's nails. It was part of our deal.

"Jeice! Get your ass over here!"

Hey, I had figured out how to contour a bright red skin tone. And I had white mascara and some nail polish. This salary I was getting rocked.

And we agreed that I wouldn't step in immediately with my powerful ass and kill everyone, but only if I got to do Jeice's makeup. Cause he's a pretty bitch, if we're being honest.

"You gonna be pretty, Jeice!" Burter yelled out, "Beat people's asses and still look pretty, like (Y/n)!"

"Shut up, I can't believe I'm doing this!"

I put on my own makeup first, winged eyeliner on point before I moved to Jeice. My goal was to make him look like the most flamboyant son of a bitch to walk Namek. He and I?

We were gonna rock some Earthling shit.

I... May or may not have told Frieza that there were enemies on Namek we needed to fight.

"Okay, stop blinking! Lemme just get this eyeliner on... Hey, you wanna try this glittery highlighter? It worked for me!"

"...Why the hell not? Hey, Ginyu, maybe she can make you look somewhat attractive!"

Everyone laughed, including me. I finished with some lip gloss and some spray that would set everything down. 

He looked fabulous as fuck and I was living for it.

"Hey! Do Recoome next!" Burter grabbed Recoome and dragged him towards me, but I shook my head.

"Girl, please, Recoome is perfect as he is. I could make him look like even more of a hunk, but y'all ain't ready for that yet. Hey, next... We do Zarbon next. He and Jeice are thotties, like, in the best way possible."

"Zarbon's apparently dead."

"FUCK!"

Pulling my hair into place, we made our way to my ship, Heather following me. Hey...

Maybe I could make a wish to turn her into a huge cat that I could ride into battle.

"Jeice, glow up of the year, though! Oi, idea! Recoome, you took dance, right?"

"Sure did."

"I have speakers, if you and I don't break into dance as a distraction, I'm gonna be so disappointed."

Piloting the ship towards the surface, I put my playlist on shuffle. Recently, I had gotten back into some old 2000's and early 2010's songs. Simpler times. 

We all started singing. Maybe because I had replicas of my phone made and had given them all phones. So now they had Earth music.

God, these really were my people.

We all started screaming out the lyrics. They were crazy enough for this. 

"STOP CALLING, STOP CALLING, I DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE, I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR! STOP CALLING, STOP CALLING, I DON'T WANNA TALK ANYMORE, I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR!"

My true kinsmen. If I had to stay in the world of Dragon Ball, I'd stay here. We got on the surface as I tried to remember the Namek Saga better. But before we all got out there...

I had two fruit left. I chowed down on them as quickly as I could, clamping a hand over my mouth. I was jacked up on what was literally steroids. That and... well, training.

I was probably insanely powerful. What was the multiplier for these fruit? I wasn't sure, but... Fuck it. I was an absolute unit and they knew it. My new besties knew it.

"I bet I take someone out before all you!" Recoome yelled out as we approached.

"Kiss my ass." I replied, holding up a lollipop. "I'm betting it's Ginyu. Or me."

Betting with candy was a lot more fun that I thought.

"Two lollipops."

"Two lollipops and slushies on me when I take you to Earth. I ain't fucking around when it comes to slushies."

I wasn't.

I wasn't fucking around until my phone buzzed like crazy. Pulling it out, I saw Alexa in the chat with Nathan and Dennis.

SSG: _play despacito_

Doodle: _fuck you_

SSG: _no. anyway, you in an anime too?_

Doodle: _yeah. Madoka Magica. I'm a lesbian, but these kids are 14 and im not into it._

Nate: _yo (y/n) where are you? Our scenarios are super weird. I'm, like, in Italy. No canon characters anywhere. Dennis said he's in Part 1 and just broke some weird fucking vampire mask._

SSG: _okay so he prevented dio from becoming a vampire, idk if thats possible but fuck canon. I think if we concentrate hard enough, we can change canon at will._

Doodle: _yeah same. I'm, like, not at the same school as Madoka and shit. So idk where she is. I think you guys hurt Writer-San_

SSG: _IDEA IDEA IDEA_

UwU: _what?????_

SSG: _Theres three of you. I have a chance to get three wishes. What do you think of coming over here with me?_

While texting them, I ran back to my ship and got out a bunch of fruits. The fruit from the Tree Of Might I still hadn't eaten. I ate two of them.

Two at a time. Just two at a time.


	23. Special Scenario: Canon Bending

"...Hey, guys?"

Not long now. Not long before we had to follow orders. I had to tell them the idea.

"Yeah?" Guldo was the first to reply.

"Y'all ever think of splitting from Frieza?"

Silence for a while. Deep down... I didn't really wanna serve Frieza. I just wanted money, and I could get money on my own rather easily.

"What do you mean?" Ginyu sounded half as hesitant as I was expecting. Then again, maybe I had rubbed off a bit.

"Well, think about it. Y'all really want to just follow his every order? I dunno, maybe it's just me, but... We could be doing so much more on our own. Beholden to no one but each other. We don't need an empire, we just need a bed, a fight, and a stack of cash. Without strings attached, like working for an emperor."

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?" Burter asked me. I smiled, almost devilishly.

"Look, Burter, I'm not saying we disobey him right now. I'm saying... We take the Dragon Balls for ourselves. We get our wishes. We strike down anyone in our path. These people we're fighting, they killed Zarbon and Dodoria, it sounds like I might be the only one to stand a chance against their strongest. I say we take this chance, and... Maybe make something better of ourselves. If we fight these guys... You'll die. I've seen you guys fight. And these Earthlings? Stronger."

Time for an inspiring speech. I knew they had something left in their cold hearts. Something for each other, at least. I had to build off that, I couldn't spend my life working for a tyrant.

But I didn't want to give up my new friends if I didn't have to.

"Better life?"

"Think about it. We had shitty pasts, I get it. I get that the world has given us the short end all our lives. But, as someone who was a complete freelancer before joining you guys... Nothing beats being beholden to no one. I get Frieza is scary, I get he's tough, but maybe we can take this chance and be better. I'm not saying we be heroes, but... Maybe we shouldn't be acting like absolute dicks to every single person we meet. Maybe we shouldn't seek to destroy life where we find it, but to only destroy those that try to harm us first."

Silence for a while. I knew, deep down, that none of this would work canonically. And I also knew...

That this _wasn't_ canon, so I had a chance. And, besides, I was their friend now.

I turned Raditz, and Turles was beyond saving since he was a Yandere. Maybe it would work this time again. Maybe I could use my canon-bending abilities in my favor, instead of using them to make people fall in love with me.

Canon bending, the sixth element. The fifth being... Gun.

"That, Trench, is the craziest idea you've had this whole month..." Ginyu spoke up after a while. "But... I agree."

"If we get the wish, we can wish for a whole bunch of cash! And we can wish for power, so we don't have to be scared!" Guldo made me smile.

"We'll plan as we go. For now, we gotta take out the goody two shoes. We make the wish as fast as we can and we do some flying to get our asses out of here. I have a wish in mind, but... You guys are gonna have to wait on explanation and just make it."

"Which is?" Ginyu asked.

"Get my three other friends together. Nathan, Dennis, and Alexa. You'll love them. We gonna do this, boys? This ship can get us away from Frieza in like a second. But let's nab a wish!"

Cheering. I had five little rebels with me now. Perfect.

* * *

"Fuck off, you capitalist pig!"

Well, I had saved Guldo from getting decapitated like a French royal. Hey, Vegeta might make more sense than Goku, but... No one fucks with my new family. Not when Trench is here.

"Who are you supposed to be?" He yelled as I struck a pose.

"Stronger than you."

From the side, I saw more of our beloved heroes. Well, I wasn't hurting Gohan. How young was he?

"Guys? We're gonna, like, ignore the eight year old, okay?"

"Why?" Burter asked. I knew Ginyu was getting ready to make our wishes.

"Because we're not assholes anymore! Hurting kids is not. Cool. Dudes."

I pointed my bat at Krillin. An adult wasn't off limits.

"Oi. Fuck off. We're taking the wish and we're leaving."

"We can't do that."

"Then become the dirt I walk on."

Just then, the sky went dark. I took my chance to charge up my bat.

"Gun!"

And... Well, guess who was dead again? It was gonna happen anyway. Walking away, I decided to let the others deal with the now traumatized kid.

Wait, nah, Gohan probably _already_ had PTSD.

With a sharp toothed grin, I pointed my bat back at Vegeta, speaking.

"Hey, Guldo! Was it this bitch that insulted you?"

I saw my friend nod. My eyes went dark, my smile disappearing.

"Oh, this small bitch? Wow, I expected more from royalty. But I guess Jeice and I are the true queens here, huh? Jeice, Burter! Let's fuck him up!"

Wow, overconfident as ever, Vegeta. It'll cost you your life.

"Hmph. Seems like your loyalty is gone. Do you freelancers not stick with anyone?"

"We stick with each other, dumbass! And now we've got our own wishes! So say goodbye!"

We had to dip before Goku got here. I knew Jeice and Burter had their own thing, which they charged up while I did the talking.

I had that quality, that strange ability to keep all eyes on me while my friends charged up the real attacks. Leaping into the air, I charged up a little attack I called Red Reprise.

How to do it? Fucking yeet two big red balls into a beam and you have Red Reprise.


	24. Special Scenario: We Fall Again

Damn, Vegeta was just gone. I would take credit for that. Part of me wondered if my weird canon-bending powers applied to how strong I was even without the weird transformation I had.

Probably.

"Does he have the wish? There should be a thing on my ship that'll tell him how to summon this dragon, I know it's gotta be in another language..."

"Proba-"

Jeice was cut off as the sky darkened. I trusted Ginyu to make the right wishes. And that...

That was our cue. Our cue to get the fuck outta here. I knew who was coming.

"Come on! Let's ditch!"

I piled them all onto my ship. We had to go before-

Shit... Was that Goku, seeing his best friend, dead? Fuck, that was how he transformed the first time, right?

I think Frieza was ditching. I saw Ginyu fly up to the ship, and I let him in just as I heard a scream and saw a blinding golden aura.

No.

I had to take care of this.

"Guys, get out of here! I'll hold him off!"

"We can't just leave you!" Guldo yelled. I turned back to them, getting them into a group hug.

"Guys, that thing down there. That's why Frieza killed the Saiyans. That's what he's scared of. I have to do this. Ginyu, you made the wishes?"

"Yeah. I don't know where your friends are, but they'll be on this planet."

Oh, I was about to piss off every Dragon Ball fanboy in existence. But, then again, this was Magical Fanfiction Romance Land, and I aimed to live. Not to fall in love, but to live. And to get myself home one day.

"Take care of yourselves if I don't make it. And take care of Heather and Quartz. Okay?"

I dropped out of my ship, landing on the ground. In front of me stood a very pissed off Goku. I had taken his friends away. I had killed his best friend in cold blood. And here I was, standing calm.

"Hey. I'm here. Come and get me."

I think he was about to attack, before something pulled him back. From atop a formation of rock, I saw [Nathan](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ERRUaAi6w2ZZMGjVRkTGSTHF_DkuIKK6), and at his side was [Dennis](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-Qpoy4aSVBtauvcxK9vFTa6sLsi0oHDt). In front of them was [Alexa](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1gRTcc-3Tsu8PLd_Fy3ADRogqPl1x1P5L), wielding a whip.

"W-what the-"

"Buenos dias, fuckboy!"

Alexa roared, Dennis pointing at Goku. I would assume he couldn't see Stands, but I could, which made me really excited until I realized that I certainly did not have a Stand. Damn, instead of three little fairies, it was one big fairy. And it had six arms and six eyes. Fucking creepy. But cool.

I took matters into my own hands and charged up my attack, Red Reprise.

* * *

"...Okay, he's dead."

"Dennis, he has a hole in his chest, of course he's dead."

Alexa smacked Dennis upside the head as Nathan and I briefly wondered if we should hide the fucking body. We decided not to, all four of us piling into a group hug.

"I missed you fuckers! This wish worked, holy shit!" Alexa giggled, smacking Nathan when he and Dennis started kissing. "Oi, no PDA around (Y/n)!"

"Oh, leave them, Dennis has a dick now. I'll get you two to Earth so you can fuck, but no fucking on my ship."

"Speaking of..." Dennis rubbed the side of his head. "Where is your ship?"

It was then that my ship landed next to us, the door opening and Jeice popping his head out.

"You guys, we need to get out of here before Frieza sees us!"

"Oh, shiiiiiit!"

The four of us piled in as my ship took off. I got into my pilot seat, blasted Rainbow Road, and flew like hell away from Namek.

* * *

"...And that's how I knew you would all die! I watched the anime!"

"Wait, Frieza was gonna get beaten by the guy you killed?"

"Yeah? You wanna watch? I can probably find it for you guys!"

Best to distract my new roommates with some anime while I sorted things out with my squad. I turned to Alexa, Dennis, and Nathan. Seems like I was the one that looked the most different.

"So... We need Brittany and we need Matt. They're still asleep in that dream space, right?" I asked.

"Yeah. I tried to get Brittany the last time I was there. Writer-San is guarding them both, we need a plan." Dennis muttered, his arm around Nathan. "I say we... We should just fucking mob him all at once."

"I'm shit at plans, so... Yeah, that." I sat down, seeing Quartz run up to me with Heather in his arms.

"Mommy! I wanna meet your friends!"

"Uh... That's Alexa, your grandmother. And those are your gay uncles, Dennis and Nathan."

Dennis immediately picked Quartz up and spun him around. Meanwhile, Alexa turned to me, out of her magical girl outfit.

"So... You gonna explain why you had fairy wings?"

"I had _what?"_

"When your skin went white? And your eyes went green? And there were green fairy wings from your back? What was that?"

" _I had fairy wings?_ "

That was a surprise. But a welcome one. I decided to actually answe Alexa's question.

"Well, I beat Writer-San once in that dream space. And my veins were glowing. Maybe I stole some of their power."

"...Sounds legit." Alexa threw her hands up. "You beat the shit out of Goku with a fucking fairy power up, so... I'm happy I got to see that."

"Heh. Anyway... I think we'll probably snap to another scenario pretty soon. Where to, I have no idea. Could be Super, Z, GT, the original Dragon Ball. I don't think scenarios repeat or anything, it's been a new person each time."

"Well, who have you gone through so far?"

"Gohan, Raditz, Future Trunks, Broly, Yamcha, Turles, Bardock, and these motherfuckers. That leaves a lot of people, actually. I haven't even gone to Goku or Vegeta yet. But I'm bound to. And when I do, we're gonna be ready."


	25. Scenario Eight, Chapter One: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGGGGGG

"Everyone knows about crack." -Dennis, 2020.

* * *

Hey, surprise surprise.

The Ginyu Force was just fucking gone the next morning. Which meant more room for my original squad. I woke op the next day to find Dennis and Nathan cuddling on the couch.

"Oi, boyfriends, there's cereal in the kitchen. I'm gonna blast us back to Earth. See where in the canon timeline we are."

"Aight, we'll be here."

"Keep it PG around Quartz. I know you two are freaky."

It was true, Dennis and Nathan were a pair of freaky little bitches. I went to my pilots cabin and got us on Earth. Now that I had some of the squad here...

We had to do some of our squad things. I stepped outside, Alexa following me.

"Hey, Alexa?"

"Yeah?"

"How much raw cabbage can someone eat before throwing up?"

"Don't know."

"...Let's find out. I'll buy a bunch of cabbage and we'll see who eats the most before throwing up."

"Great, I'll tell the boyfriends."

Alexa ran back inside while I went to a shop and bought all the raw cabbage. And I mean all the raw cabbage. The four of us gathered outside, our mountain of raw cabbage in the middle of us.

"...Whoever throws up first has to do something." Dennis suggested. "I don't know what, but they have to do something."

"Got it, we'll figure it out. For now... Three. Two. One. EAT!"

* * *

I threw up first.

So I went around, looking for something to do, and lo behold, I found the absolute perfect thing to do that would also make us some good cash.

You guessed it.

The fucking 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament, where I was not allowed to use my bat. I signed up, which led to me walking in with my dumbass friends behind.

"...We need a name for this squad. We're all gonna be noticeable, with how we're acting." I muttered.

"The Coronials? Come on, we were gonna be on lockdown!" Alexa suggested.

"Nobody here knows about the coronavirus." Nathan pointed out.

"...The Crackheads? Everyone knows about crack." Dennis then suggested, and we all nodded. The Crackheads. That would be our name. I looked ahead, catching sight of three people ahead of me.

I then realized one of them was a tiny, floating child with a funny little cap. Wait... They all had funny caps on. Wait, I knew that old man!

"...Guys, it's the original Dragon Ball. Let's go, they don't even know Goku's an alien yet..." I breathed.

"Huh? What makes you say that?" Dennis asked me.

"Three dudes ahead of us. One's some old fuck, one can't do math, one's Garnet but a straight guy and can grow extra arms."

"Oh... Well, what do they do?"

"So, uh, you'll fucking see. But it'll be easy for me. I'm gonna wipe the floor."

"I think any of us would. But hey... I'm gonna run ahead with Nathan. Get some snacks. I'm hungry."

Dennis grabbed Nathan by the hand and ran off, quickly passing the guys ahead of us. Alexa leaned in, her Soul Gem under her shirt.

"...What are their names?"

"The Garnet dude is called Tien. The one who can't do basic fucking math is Chiaotzu. And the old fuck is Shen. Just... I gotta remember how this arc goes cause it's been a while since I've watched the original Dragon Ball."

"What do you mean by "Garnet? "

"Three eyes."

"...Makes sense. Are they evil?"

"Not really? The old guy is just an old guy. The other two aren't so bad. But they're going down... Let's follow the boys."

We ran after Dennis and Nathan without further word. I kind of forgot about Tien being here for a while. Maybe because I was very off my meds.

* * *

"I forgot about this."

(Y/n), how could you forget, this was ten minutes ago."

"Fuckin' uhhh... Why are the girls fighting?"

My squad and I were currently witnessing two old fucks insult each other while casting concerned glances at the students. I really, really wish I did not have to make eye contact with Tien, mostly because of anxiety.

It was all going fine until Nathan pulled out his phone and started quietly playing music. And then the music got louder so I could hear what it was. It was fucking All Star.

"soMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME-" Nathan started to sing but Alexa slapped him.

"Shut the fuck up, Nathan!" Alexa whisper shouted to him.

Meanwhile, Dennis was doing his makeup while trying not to laugh at what was going on. Meanwhile, I was just avidly listening to Shen and Roshi insult each other. I briefly remembered that Quartz went out to get himself food. I gave him a lot of money. Hopefully he bought something good.

Like popcorn. And soda.

To be perfectly fair, I was just about to have it with these old fucks arguing. I started to whistle, catching the attention of my three squad mates. They all started whistling, until we built up to...

A collective scream.

[AHHHH](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBLdQ1a4-JI)

That shut them up but also had them all staring at us.

"...You done?" I heard Shen ask us.

"Bitch, are you?" Alexa covered me while Dennis went back to makeup. "Going on about how your fucking school is superior, as if (Y/n) here couldn't beat your asses."

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck- ALEXA DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO STRANGERS! Oh, fuck, too late, old bitch Shen is looking at me. What to say, what to say-

"Oh? I highly doubt that."

"...Okay, boomer."

Dennis and Nathan both turned to look at me. My squad met eyes, we knew what we had to do. We knew what must be done, I just had the balls to start the movement.

From this point onward, it was our war against the boomer.

Just then, Quartz rushed in with two cones of ice cream, handing one to me. Heather sat wrapped up in a little blue scarf he wore.

"Mommy, ice cream! For you!"

"Oh my God, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! Where'd you get it?!"

"Outside."

I took a cone and ate it. This just got a lot better. Suck it, Shen, I have ice cream and you fucking don't you egotistical old fuck.


	26. Scenario Eight, Chapter Two: Power, Corruption, And Lies

I'm gonna have a Breakdown-Breakdown.

Well, I made it through the preliminaries, but anxiety was not going good. I couldn't find my squad, which meant I was stuck with...

Apparantley Tien and Chiaotzu somehow thought that I was better company than kid Goku. Come on, Kid Goku is the best. But... Here I was with my anxiety, not knowing how to talk to people at a very inopportune time.

"Anyway, they're fucking idiots, but they've been my friends since our shitty high school. I'd tell you where I learned to fight, but like..."

"But what?" Tien asked.

"I, uh... Can't fucking tell you, it's a secret. I barely remember my life before getting into high school. Shit got weird from there. But my friends were there. They're strong, too, I just lost a bet and had to be the one to get money to pay for more of our stupid shit."

"What kind of bet was this?"

"Who eats the most cabbage before throwing up? So, uh, now I'm here and I miss my baseball bat."

Just then, I felt Dennis smack me upside the head.

"There you are!" Dennis yelled. "I gotta do your makeup!"

"Why, though?"

"Cause you're gonna be fiiiiiiighting! And you gotta look pretty before a fight to remind people that they got beat by a pretty bitch! Show the boomers that the school of Bitch is better!"

"Dennis, you made that up."

"Well, everyone's from a school, so now so are we! Can't just tell people the name of our high school."

Dennis sat me down and started putting on foundation. How he had my skin tone, I had no idea. He talked as he put it on, but not to me.

"So, you two. What's with the old guy? You seriously don't have to work for him, right?"

"We do."

"Fuck, man, that's sad... Listen, he seems like a jackass. Like, always on about how all his students are better just cause he taught him, when he don't look like he could knock the socks off a magical girl. Like, shit, ever consider just fucking, like... Not being his students?"

I saw Dennis pull his Stand out, as three tiny fae again. A yellow one watched Tien and Chiaoutzu intently, while a red one and a green one sat on his shoulders. He winked at me, knowing I could see them.

"Why would I-"

"Liar. You have. What are you hiding, huh? That old fuck got you doing his dirty work?"

The green fae joined the yellow fae in studying them.

"What are you trying to say, huh?" Chiaotzu asked.

"What I'm trying to say is that you're hiding something. What's he have you doing, huh? Let's see, here..."

Dennis' eyes turned yellow, and the yellow fae began to glow. 

"Oh, shit, he tried to kill one of them! What the fuck! He tried to kill a kid? And you... You're gonna kill that Goku kid in the final match."

Was that part of his Stand's power? Power, Corruption, and Lies. Was that Corruption? Was that the three fae around him? It had to be.

"H-How do you know that?! What the hell are you?!" Tien looked shooketh, and that was somehow funny. I took a moment to glare at Chiaoutzu, getting my bat. No ESP from that little guy. Dennis, in the meantime, got up and put on an extra swipe of black lipstick.

"I know things, man. I learned how to do some strange shit, but I can't tell you where from. Made a promise. Ain't that right, (Y/n)?"

I nodded, that went with what I said. Then I started talking.

"If some asshole has you killing kids, then don't follow him. You ain't gotta go work for the other old guy, but..."

"He's weak. Shen, I mean. Hell, I could take him out. But I won't. Because I'm better than that." Dennis crossed his arms. "Look, you can betray him without worry. If shit happens, we'll beat his ass."

Neither of them spoke. I realized they weren't looking at us. In a split second, I turned around, flashing a thin grin.

"Ain't that right, you old fuck? Killing a kid? A contestant, nonetheless? Low, man. Low. We set the bar on the ground and you dug a hole."

Oh, Shen was piiiiiiised. But so was I. Dennis beat me to it, though, stepping forward. The three fae above him joined hands, fusing into one giant fae with six arms.

Oh. The power of his Stand clicked. Three tiny fae that could form one big fae. Niiiiiiice.

"Stay out of it. Hell, what kind of a man wears that much makeup?"

"Okay, boomer."

I stepped back and let Dennis handle this. Maybe best to make sure that we got Tien and Chiaotzu to betray this old fuck.

"...Can I count on you two to not pull any funny shit? Cause Dennis is gonna beat his ass no matter what at this point. Seriously, I'm not gonna whip out my bat, so pull any funny shit and you'll probably get beat the fuck up by my friends. Like, I don't wanna get into a whole goody two shoes speech about fighting for good, but the least you can do is not kill a kid."

"Y... You're right-"

"WOOOOOO! Great! I think there's a fight in two minutes, I'm getting food. You fuckers want anything?"

I didn't let Tien finish because I was hungry and wanted good seats. Alexa and Nathan could only hold our seats for so long.

* * *

"You said _'okay boomer'_ twelve times? Jesus."

"I said it in reply to, like, everything he said. I've never seen a man just shut down before. Granted, PCL was choking him."

"PCL?"

"My Stand. Power, Corruption, and Lies."

So I was right. I overheard Alexa and Dennis talking, Nathan and I playing Pokemon GO in the stands. I was up next, and I already forgot who I was fighting. Did I even check? Probably, but maybe not, who knows?

I also had a full face of [makeup ](https://previews.123rf.com/images/studiosmileby/studiosmileby1604/studiosmileby160400020/67246419-the-girl-s-face-with-blue-makeup-with-white-paint-hands-painted-in-blue-paint-long-straight-black-ha.jpg)from Dennis, so I wanted to scratch my eye, but I couldn't. I briefly wondered where Shen went. Probably left because Dennis' Stand kept smacking him. And he couldn't see where it was because he didn't have a Stand. Haha. Get fucked, boomer.

Eventually, it was my fight. Okay, so _technically,_ it was Roshi, but in disguise, so... Yeah. 

You know what? Fuck it.

"...Hey, you're the guy from earlier. The fuck is this getup?"

"You can tell?!" I didn't want to tell him how I actually knew it was Roshi. Because that'd be weird. Like, how do you react when someone tells you your students are anime characters? And than one dies at the end of this arc?

"I mean, yeah, I'm good with costumes-"

Alexa yelled at me from the stands.

_"IF YOU WIN THIS YOU HAVE TO EAT AN ENTIRE ONION!"_

"Oh fuck you, Alexa!"

This was gonna be fun.


	27. Scenario Eight, Chapter Three: The Crackheads Play Cards Against Humanity

"Step one: _black people._ Step two: _agri_ -"

Alexa put her head down and laughed.

"Say it, Alexa." Nathan pressed, holding a hand of white cards. Meanwhile, Quartz kept looking up what all the No-No stuff on my cards meant because we were letting him watch us play. He was, after all, the one who ran all the way back to our ship to get this for us to play in between matches.

"Step two... _agriculture._ Step three: profit. WHO PLAYED THIS?!"

"Me." I said. I got the card. The others put their white cards down since it was my turn to be the Card Czar.

 _(Blank) + (Blank) = (Blank)_ was the card. I read through them, eventually coming across this gem.

" _Spectacular abs_ plus _self loathing_ equals _another goddamn vampire movie._ This one wins."

"Yessss!" Dennis took the black card and we went again, Nathan becoming the Card Czar.

"What helps Obama unwind? _Michelle Obama's arms._ What helps Obama unwind? _Getting cummed on._ What helps Obama unwind? _The Three-Fifths Compromise..."_

You know, the thing that said slaves were three-fifths of a person. See, we learned something in US History back in our junior year.

"Three-Fifths Compromise wins." Nathan gave the card to Dennis, and now it was Dennis' turn to judge.

"As the mom of five rambunctious boys, I am no stranger to _three dicks at the same time._ As a mom of five rambunctious boys, I am no stranger to _out of control teenage blowjob parties-"_

It was then that we realized someone was behind us, and I have never seen Tien with such a horrified look on his face. Well, that was Cards Against Humanity for you. We were the terrible people this game was marketed towards.

"...What the hell is that?"

"Cards Against Humanity. Come on, you can play." I offered up the box of white cards.

"Don't we have a fight in two minutes?"

"Well... Shit, we can play after that. Trust me, it's fun. Guys, finish this round and then get to our seats."

I fixed my makeup as I walked out, I guess Tien tagged along because we were going to the same place. Quartz waved goodbye, practically bouncing off the walls to watch me beat the shit out of people.

"So... Who's the kid? I've been meaning to ask." Don't fucking ask that Tien that's a baaaaaaad story.

"Uhh... My son, Quartz."

"He's your kid? Didn't know you had a partner."

"I don't. I killed his dad."

"Wait, what?"

"He deserved it. If I had it my way, I'd still be a virgin, but shit happens and now I got my little munchkin. I still love him, though. He knows that. closest I'd get to a romantic relationship when I'm aromantic."

That was enough of _that,_ though. 

"...Well, how'd you meet those other three?"

"High school friends. Our school was shit. We all decided to run away one day. Dennis really had no choice, he was kicked out by his fucking transphobic parents. I'm escaping my mom and my stepdad because they made up fake shit to take custody of me away from my real dad. Alexa didn't want to let us go alone, and can't come out as a lesbian to her family, and Nathan absolutely refused to let Dennis go without him, so... We're a bunch of disaster gays. Then we got involved in this caliber of stuff. But I can't tell you more than that, it's a secret."

Some of that was true. Alexa couldn't come out, Dennis got kicked out, my mom tried to lie to get custody taken away from my dad. Dennis lived with his aunt, though. And I lived with my dad. Fun times.

"That's a lot. When did you all start training."

"A while ago. We left at the end of our senior year, really. We were almost out of it. Our school was shit, at least people knew not to bother us. One time, we found out a bunch of bullies were gonna waterboard a kid. So we found out their addresses, brewed up a bunch of JillyJuice, and snuck it into their water bottles to drink. Then, when they actually tried to get the kid they were gonna waterboard, we showed up and shot them with BB guns. But that was back when Brittany and Matt were with us. They're still off learning to fight, since they followed us later."

Fun fact, that actually happened. Told you my school was shit. I made up a cover story for Brittany and Matt.

"What's... Ji-"

"Some crazy lady says that drinking overly salty fermented cabbage juice will regrow your limbs and make you live to 400. It's so gross. My friends and I tried drinking it once. But hey, it worked. Fuckers learned their lesson. Seriously, the reason no one was expelled was because the staff didn't give a shit."

It was around this time that Alexa called me and screamed something through the phone.

_"THERE'S CHURROS BITCH AND THEY'RE BETTER THAN THE ONES AT DISNEYLAND!"_

"What?! On my fucking way!"

I ran around, found the churro stand, and screeched at the top of my lungs. I ended up buying the rest and throwing them at my friends. Right, right, a fight in like one minute. Okay, we can do this, we just gotta go up on stage...

With a bunch of other people watching...

And beat the shit out of someone. I can do that. I can totally do that, no I am not feeling the anxiety I haven't taken my meds for no that's ridiculous you can't prOVE ANYTHING I AM TOTALLY FINE-

Maybe I should take my meds. But who knows if they work anymore now that my brain has to grapple with PTSD? Shit, did my friends know I was off my meds? I don't think so... Well, gotta make sure they don't realize.

Oh, yeah, fighting. Okay, just breathe, and... Let's beat the shit out of someone.


	28. Scenario Eight, Chapter Four: The Magical Gorl

"(Y/n), you cannot cure depression by ordering all the chocolate milk."

"I can try!"

So I won my squad a bunch of cash and we all decided to go out to eat. Canon characters included, except for the boomer. None of us wanted to teach Shen that lesson again. So it was just all of us. Except for Alexa. She was doing something very important that will help us later. Just remembered last-second what happens _after_ this arc. 

And now Dennis was telling me that chocolate milk doesn't cure my depression. The _audacity_. Quartz was eating everything, mostly, my friends and I just ordered sweets and called it a day because the _real_ dinner would be cooked by me, at home, with some grated cheese and some pasta water. Cacio e pepe, bitches.

Then Alexis ran in in full magical girl gear.

"Oi, you fuckers left me! You missed the green asshole that tried to kill the little dude!" Oh, Krillin was behind her, that made more sense.

"Nani the fuck?" Nathan muttered and went back to his food. So, basically, we just deleted the last two arcs of Dragon Ball, basically... No big deal. Alexa sat down and just ordered boba tea, saying something along the lines of:

"Gotta get me my titty tea."

Meanwhile, I pondered something. It seemed like, when I knew that a canon character was a reasonably good person, telling them I was aromantic at least prevented them from openly catching feelings for me. It was evil characters I needed to look out for. Right? I had a loophole for Writer-San's power that I had slyly tested on Tien.

I told him I was aromatic earlier, and look. No catching feelings. This would require further research on protagonist characters. Scientific method, man. All we had to do was switch, and now that the arc was over, we would probably switch to the next scenario.

Gotta finish dinner, say goodbye to these fuckers, hope they go well without Piccolo on their team.

* * *

"(Y/n), we got news."

I was stirring up pasta when Alexa came to me.

"Yeah?"

"Brittany woke up on her own. She's in Three Houses, I think as a replacement Byleth."

I hastily checked the group chat to find Brittany writing multiple long as paragraphs. 

CuddleFluff: _SO NOW I CANT REALLY S SUPPORT DIMITRI CAUSE I REALLY DONT WANNA END UP MARRYING HIM, LIKE IS IT WEIRD WHEN THESE ARE MY STUDENTS?! ITS FRICKING WEIRD ANYWAY CAUSE I REALLY HATE ROMANCE AND STUFF AND ITS REALLY CLOSE BUT GATEKEEPER IS HERE FOR ME_

UwU: _Dimitri is hot_

Cuddle: _FRICK YOU_

SSG: _Wait Dennis where are you?_

UwU: _I'm finding a love hotel with Nathan_

Cuddle: _Wait you guys are TOGETHER?! And whats a love hotel?_

SSG: _Brittany they're getting laid, and I used the Dragon Balls to bring Dennis, Nathan, and Alexa here. Once we wake up Matt I'll get you and him here, but we have to get to a timeline with Dragon Balls first_

Cuddle: _ugh dbz sucks, but like... There's times when they didn't have them?_

SSG: _yeah for sure, also depends on the planet and the point in the timeline. If we're stuck on Earth, there's a chance we can only bring one at a time since Earth's dragon balls only had one wish for part of the story. Namek is different, they have three wishes and it's one wish to bring one of you here._

Cuddle: _ugh why couldnt it be all fire emblem we could have all joined golden deer_

Doodle: _SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TWO DENNIS AND NATHAN ARE DOING THE UH OH STINKY_

Cuddle: _WHAT?! FRICK THEM!_

I decided to shut my phone off and finish the pasta, giving Alexa her share and the rest to Quartz. Laying back on the couch, I stared up at the ceiling until Alexa came over to me.

"So... You wanna talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About your kid saying you haven't taken your meds in months."

"...He told you?"

"He's worried. Bitch, you need to take those! Even if they might not work, they're at least a shot!"

I huffed, sitting up and catching a bottle Alexa threw at me.

"...My Citruline?"

"Take it. I won't leave until you take your damn meds."

I ended up taking them, Alexa hovering over me until she knew I had taken them. She was trying to help, and Alexa could be a harsh mother sometimes.

"There, I took them..."

"I just don't want to have you up all night texting me that you're about to slit your wrists open again, okay? Once was bad enough, and with the shit that's happened, we aren't taking our eyes off you. So... Just take your drugs and if they don't work, we find ones that do work. Okay? I don't care if you're a white-haired android lady with OP fairy bullshit. Under all that, you're still (Y/n)."

"...Fine." 

Alexa left after that, leaving me in silence for a while. Until Quartz walked up to me.

"...Mommy?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"...No, why would I be mad at you? Come here, munchkin."

Quartz curled up in my lap, shaking.

"I'm just worried that you're mad at me cause... I know you didn't want me, or plan me, because of what my dad did to you-"

"Just because I didn't plan you doesn't mean I didn't want you. Like... I figured if I'm gonna have a kid, I'll be better than my mom was to me, you know?"

"Oh... Your mommy wasn't nice?"

"Not really. She was filthy rich, but she always held everything over my head to guilt trip me and just hated my dad. But she couldn't get custody taken from him and she couldn't stop me from moving in with him. My stepdad was worse. Hella manipulative, made me think my depression was all my fault. But my dad's different. He ain't rich, he works at a hotel, but he's good to me."

Quartz cuddled up next to me, Heather leaping up and purring on my chest. Okay, maybe I could do this. Just gotta be better than my mom.


	29. Scenario Nine, Chapter One: Back At It Again With A Broken Timeline

"Let's go to an amusement park."

I muttered, the sun shining above us as we sat outside my ship. Quartz napped in the sunlight with Heather on his chest. I saw Alexa type something into her phone.

"...Super World? It looks like Valleyfair."

Valleyfair being the one amusement park in Minnesota that we went to at the end of each school year. And Super World being...

"Well, sure, but a canon thing happens there. So let's just hope we're not in the fucked up timeline."

"What happens there?"

"A guy loses his arm and a child goes through immense trauma all for rage points. I just really wish they also took Gohan and his PTSD into account, but I guess part of that is the fandom thinking that him being the Great Saiyanman is just cringe, and not, you know... A coping mechanism."

Alexa seemed to get it. We looked up when Super World would be open and got on some swimwear, telling Quartz and the boyfriends what our plan for today was.

Should be fun. I didn't bother to check if this was _that_ timeline because I wanted to be surprised.

"...Hey, idea." I muttered.

"What now?"

"We just stop hiding the fact that this is an anime. Maybe the confusion will distract people from catching feelings. I don't know why Writer-San wants us to find mates, but... Yeah."

Alexa grinned and laughed, seems like we were just gonna be unabashed fanboys and fangirls now.

* * *

"Yeet!"

I threw a dart at a balloon and popped it. Yeah, one of those probably rigged games with the stuffed animal prizes. I won the bigass tiger plushie hanging from the top.

I then won one for Quartz. He grabbed the giant plushie and shook it.

"Thank you, Mommy!"

"Alright, you find your uncles and get some food. I'm gonna find Alexa. She said she wanted to go on one of the rollercoasters."

So, not only did Super World look _exactly_ like Valleyfair, all the rides had the same names as rides back home in Minnesota. It was like a certain Writer-San just copied and pasted Valleyfair into Dragon Ball. Well, that's one good thing it did for us, Valleyfair was awesome.

Quartz ran off and I found Alexa drying off from one of the water rides. The two of us got in line for Renegade, a bigass wooden roller coaster with an enormous line. We were halfway to the front when we heard explosions and screaming, and braced for everyone running away from the ride at once.

Well, I knew where we were in canon now. I nodded to Alexa and we walked over to the exit of the roller coaster as everyone ditched the park, briefly texing Nathan and Dennis to go hide Quartz. If I beat these two little shits here, my kid would be safe and we'd have the whole park to ourselves.

Alexa whipped out her Soul Gem and changed into a magical girl the second I saw 17 and 18 get off the fucking ride. If they damaged Renegade I swear to god-

"Oi, can you fucking not? The lines are _not_ that bad." Alexa spoke first. I stayed silent, remembering that I snuck in my bat. Good. I think it was about five more minutes until the future duo showed up. Hey, at least if we intervened, Gohan might not lose a fucking arm.

That was good, right?

"Hmph. Who are they? They aren't like that other guy, I mean look at her." 18 pointed at Alexa. "Her outfit isn't as ugly. At least they have a sense of style."

"YEET!"

I ended up just yeeting an entire Red Reprise at 18 to make her shut the fuck up. Tht kinda progressed into a fight where Alexa and I did our damn best to not destroy the rides. Hey, if we beat them, no one was stopping us from the rides. This went on for a while, and I mean a while. But it was probably, like, five minutes, but it felt like a while.

I think the fighting stopped once Nathan threw Dennis into the air with his vectors and when Dennis dragged the androids to the ground with PCL. Then, and only at that very end...

Did Gohan and Trunks actually show up, and then I remembered neither of them could see Power, Courruption, and Lies. Seeing as they were fucking outnumbered, 17 and 18 left.

Yey. I ran a hand through my hair and realized that my red scrunchie was gone.

"SCRUNCHIE NO!" I screeched. Dennis then threw it at me.

"It fell off, dipshit. Also your kid is hiding in the Panda Express kitchen."

"Oh shit, is he okay?"

"He wanted to 'see Mommy beat up all the big bad guys' and was sad that he had to hide in the Panda Express."

"Okay but," Alexa pointed directly at Gohan and Trunks. "Can we realize that there's two other people here?"

This was going to be a long explanation.

* * *

"...So, uh, stay out of rainy days. I swear, if you go alone and pull some hero-type shit-"

"We're going back in time?"

"Yeah, Trunks! You can meet your dad! But in the meantime, Dennis and Nathan can be your dads until we switch scenarios."

Well, we were at Panda Express, and somehow Alexa figured out how to make us all food. Dennis and Nathan ran off to raid the gift shops for candy, and I had just explained how everything was an anime and how this Super World was actually Valleyfair.

They were taking well.

"Okay, Gohan, you remember what I said?"

"No falling in love, that's easy."

"Great! I think if it's with protagonists, I should be able to stall the whole romantic thing. And we can then focus on saving the world!"

I huffed, leaning back and blowing smoke out of my mouth.

"...You wanna go on rides? We sent those two little shits flying."

"Well-"

"Shut up, Gohan, you know you want to. Alexa! Let's go to Steel Venom!"

We were staying here until we went on all the good rides. No one can stop us when this park is the only connection to our home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the ride names are actual rides at Valleyfair because I'm lazy and salty that the quarrantine has cancelled our end of the year class trip
> 
> Also now I just cannot imagine the actual scene where Gohan loses an arm, but at Valleyfair, and idk why its funny
> 
> Catch me and the rest of my classmates not running away because we all want to die


	30. Scenario Nine, Chapter Two: It's Not Even Gohan This Time

A/N: I absolutely cannot wait to bring Matt into this

Just how he fights and what fandom he got drawn into is

Perfect

* * *

"So, it was me and Nathan, right? And, keep in mind, he and Dennis aren't dating and Dennis wasn't out at the time."

It was storytime and I had Gohan and Bulma with me. Yes, we are definitely adults. Totally. The shot glasses were just adult juice. Because this is an android apocalypse, might as well have a little bit of fun before we all die.

"Now, we're all in Rome, and we're dead fucking tired after hitting sites up all day, directly after getting off a plane. It's the bus ride back, everyone's swamped. Some of last years seniors were chilling in the back, but half of us are sleeping. I'm across the aisle from Dennis and Nathan, on my phone, and tell me why..."

I took a shot, my throat burning. Felt like I had been roped into singing soprano in choir.

"Tell me why I look over and see those two cuddled up and sneaking a kiss! I wasn't mean enough to throw something at them, like I do nowadays. The whole time, they'd sneak off to go cuddle together and shit. Half the time, it was me and Matt, he went along too. Alexa and Brittany didn't want to. I mean, what would Brittany have eaten? She's such a picky eater! Matt was just being Matt, again."

"And what's Matt like?" Bulma asked.

"He and I bought knives. And they let us through. Oh, and we had a competition to see who could drink the most juice drinks on the cruise before getting seasick. Just me and Matt, though."

It was fun, telling these two about my world. About what shit was like. Not even the bad stuff, like, little nice things. Like my class trip to Italy and Greece.

"Yeah, it was wild. I still have this video of us all getting gelato. Some of the former students were in our squad, I shared a room with one. And since this was back when Dennis wasn't biologically a man, he was fine rooming with girls. So he roomed with me and a senior. God, junior year was wild. We went to Rome, started very basic work on Thesis, I tried to kill myself-Oh yeah! While on this trip, we went to Florence, and I had been there before! I knew this little sandwich place!"

My phone began to buzz inceassantly as I realized Brittany was texting us.

CuddleFluff: _Oh so now it's EDELGARD even though I hate her so much, Edelgard you're such an annoying b-word! Like oh my god! I hate being her teacher!_

"Oh my God, Brittany, shut up. Here, see what she's like."

I then realized that, while Gohan was not giving me The Look Of Love... Bulma was. Fuck. Maybe I should set her up with Alexa. The only straight guy here was Matt, and he was... Somewhere else. We didn't know yet.

"Anyway, uh... Oh, yeah, we gotta kill these fuckers. But first, you and Trunks gotta go back in time." I drunkenly pointed at Gohan. "Get some Girl Scout cookies, I remember the time I was stuck with him and threw a whole box at him. Then again... wait, I can kill them! But you should go anyway! Cause... Reasons."

I wondered what the others were up to. So I got up to find the little shits.

Totally did not just gloss over how I tried to kill myself in junior year.

* * *

"Get out of the Hot Topic!"

"You're not my mom!"

"I _am_ your mom! Get out of the Hot Topic!"

"If you love me, let me GO!"

Dennis ran into Hot Topic and had PCL grab a bunch of stuff. They all had the bright idea of going off, alone, without telling (Y/n) they were taking Quartz and Trunks out to a recently deserted mall to get free shit.

But Hot Topic. And Spencers. And other clothing stores. Alexa turned to see Nathan going into the Spencers, shaking her head.

"Don't get anything from the back."

"But... Thigh highs."

"Okay, thigh highs are fine, if you come out with a fucking Hitachi-"

"I'm getting a Hitachi!"

Nathan ran in before Alexa could stop him, Quartz grabbing yet another graphic tee and handing it to Trunks. He was really trying to make this fellow child feel happiness.

"What's a Hitachi?" Trunks asked.

"You're better off not knowing what he and Dennis are into. Dennis, your boyfriend is getting-"

"A Hitachi, I heard. Gonna get me my own."

" _Oh my God, Brittany is gonna kill you both and I will help her!"_

"Fuck you, Mom." Dennis yelled from within the abandoned emo halls as he dumped some piercings into a bag for (Y/n). "Yo, they have fucking, uh... Oh, (Y/n) is gonna be so happy if I get her this! It's a little Jojo wallet! She loves Jojo! Dunno how I ended up there and not her, but... Perhaps she knows Dragon Ball better."

While the three were raiding their own stores, Quartz soon ran off on his two little legs, to other shops in the mall. Like a Nickelodeon store. He soon noticed that Trunks was following him. Probably for the best.

"Hey, did you like all the shirts?" Quartz asked.

"Yeah... I guess?"

"Aww... Are you scared? Mommy's friends will protect us! They're all super strong!"

"All of them? Could they beat the androids!"

"I think so! Mommy could! Besides, who would kill a kitty? Nobody, that's who!"

Quartz reached into his scarf and pulled out little Heather, who meowed as she was awoken from her nap. Oh, he brought the kitten, too. That was cute. Quartz decided to keep looking for a store that sold Nickelodeon stuff, there had to be one somewhere.

Well, he didn't find one, but he sure did hear the sound of crashing glass and felt the heat of a blast. Oop.


	31. Scenario Nine, Chapter Three: The Power Of Mary Sue

I knew what had happened. I knew what had happened when I saw those two fucks staring down a smoking crater in the mall, my friends rushing forward too late.

And oh boy, was I not in the mood to have any kind of rational thought. At this point... I think I blanked out. All I could really make out was my bat, some blood, and Nathan's vectors holding me down as I screamed. Well, can you blame me, these overgrown toaster twins killed my son!

I wasn't gonna leave them alive after this. Why couldn't it be time travel?! I remembered getting dragged off before blacking out completely.

* * *

I awoke to Alexa sitting next to me. She had been crying. Well...

Shit.

"...He's dead, isn't he?"

"He is... (Y/n), I... I'm so sorry-"

"No, I shouldn't have-I shouldn't have let the little guy run off on his own. Little munchkin can barely fight, why would I-"

Alexa hugged me, letting me cry for a solid half hour. Until I wiped my tears and tried to think. This was Dragon Ball. You could bring the dead back. But not in this timeline. We...

We had to switch, and we needed to switch before a year was up. That was the rule, after all. But, assuming Writer-San controlled when we switched scenarios, that bitch probably wouldn't do it easy. Meaning I'd fight it while we slept. Maybe wake up Matt along the way.

"Alexa..."

"I know. Dennis and Nathan are already asleep. We're gonna make that thing bring us to a part of Dragon Ball where we can fix this."

"Namek... Any arc on Namek should be enough."

"Then that's where we'll go. Get some sleep..."

I closed my eyes, letting my sore body slip off again. Oh, that fucking starlight being was about to pay.

* * *

"(Y/n)!"

I awoke in the dream world, again. Writer-San stalked up and down in front of Matt, eyes bleeding light. I saw Brittany get up, standing by us with a sword.

Oh, yeah. Fire Emblem. Dennis and Nathan told her what was going on, and we were met with... Whining.

"Oh my god, you fricking b-word! We were all gonna graduate! I didn't put all my time and effort into breaking through selective mutism only to not graduate from high school for your weird experiments!"

So apparently the other three told her what was up with Writer-San doing all of this out of curiosity. Writer-San prowled towards us, snarling.

"Go back to sleep, children."

"Don't patronize us. Bring us to Namek or we'll fucking kill you!" I roared, my skin turning white. Speaking of, it did that when I killed 17 and 18, too. Did that mean I had wings now? Either way, Writer-San looked terrified.

"Damn you... You've grown too strong! I need to put you down for good!"

"Like hell you will!"

I ran foward, bat swinging, hearing my other friends yell as we did what we should have always done. Gang up on this bitch. Or, well, that would have worked... But Writer San waved its hand, and my friends all fell, all bound in some strange dark cords. Matt was the same, actually.

But when I touched the cords, I burned right through them. How Mary Sue could I get? Wait, that was one way to name this transformation. Mary Sue.

That's what it was now. The power of Mary Sue.

"Oh... So, you're not as weak as the others. Interesting. I'm so glad I chose someone as wild as you! You're such a good test subject!" Writer-San mused, even as I hit it with my bat.

"I don't have time for you, weirdo! What do you want from us?!"

"Didn't I tell you? My goals are beyond your understanding."

"That sounds like a cheap excuse for having no goals."

"Hmph. Pathetic child. Go back to sleep and let your superiors do as they please with you."

Oh, hell no. I fired off a Red Reprise and hit Writer-San good. Recoiling, I heard a shriek of a thousand voices, a white light bursting from me. The dark cords fizzled away, even from Matt. My friends arose, Matt blinking and getting to his feet. A bandana wrapped around his neck, a frying pan in his hands.

And then I woke up.

* * *

Gasping, I saw that our ship was now on Namek. So... It worked. I shook everyone awake and began outlining a plan.

"Alright, there's seven villages. But we don't have to go to each one. Over the story, Vegeta gets, like, five of them at some point. Or something, he gets a lot. Or, better idea is to wait for the Ginyu Force to come in. We're gonna have to fight everyone. Good and evil alike."

Nathan raised his hands, so I pointed to him with my bat.

"Yes, Nathan?"

"Who do we attack first?"

"Hmm... I say we get the good guys first. I wanna get Frieza off his guard. Maybe suck up to him. You guys can take the Ginyu Force easy. Alexa, I say you help me with the good guys. Leave Goku to me. We killed him once."

True. I ran to the fridge, where the fruit from the Tree Of Might was still waiting. Biting into two more, I laughed, then I cackled. And then I downed a bunch of Red Bull, seeing Dennis sit on the table and get his makeup on.

"Hey, Den? We get a third wish. I wanna wait until we can bring both Brittany and Matt here at once. What's gonna be the third wish?"

"...Space weed."

"Let's do it."

So, space weed. Perfect. I saw Alexa and Nathan come over, and we stepped out of my ship, onto blue grass. Now... Where to go, though? More importantly, what part of the saga was this? That was kind of important if our plan to get on Frieza's good side was about to work.

Eh, fuck it. Trust in the power of Mary Sue.


	32. Scenario Ten, Chapter One: That's A Lotta Damage I Ain't Gonna Write Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite liking Dragon Ball, I am ass at fight scenes

Oh, I figured it out. I totally figured it out when we were on the way because I remembered the sequence of events. Hey, this isn't even my favorite anime, Jojo is. 

What I'm trying to say is that I sent the boyfriends to go take care of Vegeta while Alexa and I went after... Well, the one Gohan stole. What a smart little nugget.

Too bad I kinda murdered one of his friends, Alexa keeping watch for anyone. I knelt in front of Gohan, my bat stained with blood.

"Fear not, dear child, you will not be alone... Your heart will be stronger than stone."

I think he'd attack if Alexa was not holding him down with a whip. Nope, not shotacon, just me bringing my little munchkin back to life. I grabbed the huge Dragon Ball and flew off, Alexawrapping her whip around my arm and hangliding below me.

"Heads up! Where are the boys, isn't that Vegeta over there?"

Oh, for fucks sake, they got lost. Reasonable, actually, they can't fly. Or maybe Vegeta only just now got free. Did I tell them about how he kinda got captured?

Nope.

"Hey, uh... Oh, shit, you got the rest of them! Alexa, look! That short bitch has the rest of them!"

"Let me down, (Y/n)!"

"Can't you heal or some shit? You're a magical girl!"

"How do YOU know what's good for me?!"

"That's my OPINIONNNN!"

That just resulted in us staring at each other for a few seconds, before I pointed back at Vegeta.

"Okay, so... We get the other six, right?"

"You know I can hear you, right?" Vegeta asked a stupid fucking question.

"Do we care, is the real question? (Y/n), beat the shit out of him."

Hmm... Let's see how the power of Mary Sue holds up. I saw my skin glow white, feeling the crackhead vibes in my veins. 

* * *

"Alexa...?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are the boys?"

Oh, yeah, we beat Vegeta and the boys still aren't here. this was getting concerning. My phone began to ring, Dennis was calling me. So tell me why, when I answered it, I heard Frieza's old lady voice.

"Bitch."

 _"Excuse me, Trench?"_ Oh boy, we forgot about my cringe ass OC.

"Who is this?"

_"I have your two little friends."_

"Which ones?"

_"The... The pretty man-"_

"Which pretty men?"

I could do this all day, by the way. The irritated growl from Frieza only encouraged me.

_"The-The one that won't stop complaining about makeup and the one with little horns that won't stop crying unless we give him... What were they, chicken nuggets?"_

"Oh, you've got Dennis and Nathan. You don't have them. They have you."

_"W-What?"_

"Give Dennis his phone back and he might spare you. Oh, yeah, I would not suggest sending your elite squad to deal with us. You're gonna need them there."

Just then, I heard the sound of screaming, and the phone hung up. That was some good timing. I decided to go ahead and summon this bigass dragon before anyone tried to stop me. Alright, this one wasn't Shenron, so...

I could understand Alexa's confusion when she didn't see the titular Shenron appear in the sky.

_"OI, BRING BACK MY FUCKING KID, AND MY CAT! AND BRING US A SHIT TON OF SPACE WEED!"_

"Excuse me, what?"

Alexa looked at me but I ignored her, because... I was away from Quartz one day and I was losing it, so seeing him appear and run up to me gave me life and cured my anxiety.

"Mommy!" Quartz yelled, hugging me. I hugged him back, feeling something large and furry nudge me. It was Heather, but... Bigger. A lot bigger. Big enough to ride. 

Holy shit, that was one big kitty.

"Heather?" I breathed.

"Yeah? Come on, let's get out of here!"

Well, we would. But we can't leave without the boys. Heather took Quartz back to the ship, Alexa and I searching for the boys. 

"They can't be dead, can they?" I asked.

"No, we'd know if they bought it."

I then had an idea. A really bad, but really amaxing idea that was so extremely stupid, it might actually suit us. However... I was the only one who could speak even a little Japanese since I actually was learning it.

But fuck it. Time to get really meta. Besides, if this worked, it would let the boys know we were on our way.

_Hikaru kumo o tsukinuke Fly Away (Fly Away)  
Karadajū ni hirogaru panorama  
Kao o kerareta chikyū ga okotte (okotte)  
Kazan o bakuhatsu saseru_

_Toketa kōri no naka ni  
Kyōryū ga itara tamanori shikomitai ne_

_CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Nani ga okite mo kibun wa heno-heno kappa  
CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Mune ga pachi-pachi suru hodo  
Sawagu Genki-Dama... Sparking!_

_Sora o kyūkōka Jet Coaster (Coaster)  
Ochite yuku yo panikku no sono e  
Keshiki sakasa ni naru to yukai sa (yukai sa)  
Yamasae oshiri ni mieru_

_Nayamu jikan wa nai yo  
Dokoka ni hisomu "bikkuri!" ni aitai kara_

_CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Atama karappo no hō ga yume tsumekomeru  
CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Egao urutora zetto de  
Kyō mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai_

_CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Nani ga okite mo kibun wa heno-heno kappa  
CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA  
Mune ga pachi-pachi suru hodo  
Sawagu Genki-Dama... Sparking!_

I could only feel Alexa looking at me in disappointment as we approached what I assumed was one of Frieza's spaceships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I fuck over the Namek arc many times but
> 
> Fuck it, I can do what I want. The sequel gets fucked up


	33. Scenario Ten, Chapter Two: How Many Times Can I Put Songs Into This Scenario?

Alexa and I realized the only people in this spaceship were Dennis and Nathan, who had apparently gotten knocked out. Oof. We weren't invincible, apparently. Dennis stormed out, complaining.

"I am _DISGUSTED_ , I am _REVOLTED_ , I dedicate my _ENTIRE_ life to our lord and savior, _JESUS CHRIST_ , and _THIS_ is the thanks I get?!"

"Dennis! We gotta tell (Y/n) that they're gonna hold her ship hostage!"

"Wait, what?" I said, immediately dragged the three back towards my ship. My son! My cat! The space weed! My Red Bull, the fruit, the GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!

I got to my ship to see a shit ton of soldiers camped out around it. Also Frieza but I'm more concerned about the music blasting from my ship. What was Quartz doing to ward off these attackers?

Oh god. I turned to see Dennis doing some equivalent of a stripper dance and [singing](https://youtu.be/32EBH8ofGrk) along.

"Dennis, stop being a little hoe and-"

Dennis called forth PCL and started punching, while the other two took on the regular soldiers. So... Did that leave me with Frieza, or what? I guess it did. Because I pulled out my bat and aimed it at him as Dennis kept singing. How did he know all the lyrics and why was Quartz playing it.

"Quartz, PUT ON A DIFFERENT SONG!"

That didn't work, Quartz just put on [another](https://youtu.be/ILY3FTZ2roc) song Dennis could throw his ass back to. I then gave up and just shrugged at Frieza.

"See, this is why we don't kidnap Quartz."

"...He's been doing this for a while. What kind of a child is this?"

"I dunno. Well, uh... Shit, you were gonna die anyway, it isn't you I'm worried about."

"Oh? Then who?"

"The low class Super Saiyan that's supposed to kill you, but since I kinda killed his friends, he's gonna be after me. You, I got no problem with you-"

Wait. Scratch that. Why was he giving me That Look? You know... The one I had gotten from every single other guy in some varying form or another? Or, well, one girl, counting Bulma. 

Oh.

Oh god no.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

No.

Absolutely not.

My skin shot to white faster than Alexa could smack Dennis upside the head. And, once again... I don't remember what exactly happened. So, using Mary Sue made me black out while I was using it. But still, I was... Disgusted. I don't think there was anything left of Frieza when I was done.

Good. Just gonna pretend like this never happened. 

"(Y/n)...?" Nathan started walking towards me. "Are you still in there...?"

I came to, seeing the blood on my bat as Dennis and Alexa began getting me back inside our spaceship. Alexa kept glancing out the window at something, I didn't know what, though. 

I then realized she was making sure Goku wasn't out there. Probably good. I stumbled into my little pilot seat and blasted the fuck outta there.

"Guys?"

"What?" Dennis asked.

"I got fuck-me-eyes from a genocidal, racist lizard."

"...Is that why you just went wild and wouldn't stop hitting him with the bat, while screaming out _'You stare at my tits one more time, I've had it with fictional characters trying to fuck me'_?"

I said that? Mary Sue really fucked with my head. To be fair... Frieza was a villain and deserved that for many, many reasons. Wouldn't kill a protagonist for that. Yes, I'm still petty at Frieza for being a little racist shit and I always will be petty over fictional characters.

Were these fictional characters still, now that I had fought both for and against them? Maybe more, now that my friends from the real world were here. That was somewhat terrifying to think about. What level of realness did these people have? Was it really less because I had other friends who knew how it all ended? Who knew how to mess it all up? Or were they automatically real, because they could see me, touch me? Hurt me, make me laugh, all like real people? Where was the line between character and person?

Why was I having an existential crisis while Quartz cuddled next to me and blasted Kahoot music? I decided to hold onto my little munchkin as tight as I could, hearing him talking.

"They just came out of the sky... And then I wasn't alive."

"I know, honey... I won't let that happen again. I'm going to teach you something past down to children for generations. But you have to use it wisely. It'll call me to you when I hear it, when you're in danger."

"Really? You'll teach me that?"

"Yeah. Along with some things to help you escape. See if I can't come up with a simple, discount Solar Flare. Shouldn't be too complicated. Blinding whoever tries to kill you and sneaking off should work. And if it doesn't, what I'm about to teach you will at least get me there in time."

Quartz hugged me again, Heather padding up to me and laying in my lap. Even as a big Siamese kitty, she was all fluffy and warm.

"...Now that I can talk. (Y/n). The food you buy is shit."

"Huh?"

"The brand of cat food you buy is shit."

"Oh... Uh, I'll get you something else, then."

"Thanks. At least now, we're back. Little munchkin was worried about you the whole time. Kept yelling _'Where's Mommy? Is Mommy dead too?'_ But you aren't."

I laughed, petting Heather's thick fur.

"Well, what's your damage, Heather?"

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."


	34. Scenario Eleven, Chapter One: This Is The Self Insert To End All Self Inserts

"I have an idea."

A few weeks later, we were back on Earth for some much needed chill time. No anime battles in sight. And I had an idea.

"What?" Alexa muttered.

"Okay, so... We're gonna need these hats."

"What kind of hats?"

"I'm getting there! And we need paintball guns, I'll ask Nathan how they work. Nathan likes guns."

"We're from America, (Y/n), we like guns more than children."

Shots fired.

"Well, point is, we need... Non toxic paint that wont fuck up the enviroment. And we need a lot of it. Oh, and we need bluetooth speakers."

"That'll take a while to get together."

"Yeah, well, we're not in an arc or anything, we have time. Quartz is gonna love it."

Alexa looked at me, like she suddenly realized what I was thinking. Then, Nathan and Dennis ran in, looking... Heated.

"Ask her, I wanna see what she thinks!" Dennis yelled, pointing right at me as Nathan sighed and asked me the question.

"(Y/n)... What would happen if we showed them doujinshi?"

"Don't you two fucking dare do it."

The boys looked a little dejected, but soon brightened up, Dennis heating up some pizza rolls.

"Do da dee da, pizza rolls! Pizza rolls! Do da dee da, pizza rolls! _Pizza rolls! I LOVE, I LOVE PIZZA ROLLS! AAAAAAAAAAA-"_

I picked up a spray bottle full of water and began spraying Dennis with it, causing him to run outside. Alexa looked on after me as I chased Dennis outside, rolling her eyes as I came back.

"Forgive me, mother, for I have sinny sin sinned." I muttered.

"You little fucker, you're always sinny sin sinning."

True. Dennis came running back in, looking like he was brewing up some trouble.

"Can we have a bonfire tonight? And smores?"

"...Sure?" I replied.

"Great! Also, Quartz said he met this kid, younger than him, had a sword. Mean anything?"

"...I know where we are. Bonfire tonight, fucking over the Saiyan invasion tommorow by stealing a wish."

Now I was brewing up a plan. I grabbed my trench coat and bat, taking Alexa with me. Just needed to find the radar, get the Dragon Balls together, and...

* * *

We got the radar. And then we moved the ship, just to be safe. And then we had a bonfire, moved ship again, and the moved ship every time we found a Dragon Ball. Which took like a month to do.

As celebration, we were having a bonfire in the middle of a cold desert. And, while Quartz roasted marshmallows, Nathan and I were singing.

"You must be right! This is an Amethyst! Except an Amethyst is big and strong! This one is not the best example, something is clearly wrong!"

I should make a scythe. Of ki. Wait, no, Goku Black already had that down. Hey... I quickly went onto my phone, cropped out Spinel's head, and put on Goku Black's body. 

Art.

"So, Nathan, uh... You get the goods together?" I asked.

"The goods?"

"You know? I told you while we were getting firewood? My idea?"

"Oh, _that_. Yeah."

"And with that piece in place... We can summon the dragon for the second time in two months. Dennis, since you're so fucking hyped to do it-"

Dennis literally leapt up. Oh, yeah, we had the Dragon Balls in a circle around the fire as Dennis' overly dramatic ass yelled at the top of his lungs.

"ETERNAL SHENRON! BY YOUR NAME, I SUMMON YOU FORTH!"

Alexa flinched and fell backwards when the beam of light shot forward, screeching.

"Little warning, asshole!"

"Sorry, Alexa..."

Dennis was all to excited to scream to the heavens what his wish was. Bring Brittany and Matt to our world. Could I have wished them all here on one wish from the start?

Apparently. God, I am stupid sometimes.

Light shone from the sky, trailing down in front of us and splitting in two. From one came [Brittany](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EpyY7pKu6_ftXjzVYHEjPsXBbjxdwKnN/view?usp=sharing), in armor and bearing a sword. From the other came [Matt](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KSEWuQBW4-QrBCP_0-BlRyBIWGULKIqR/view?usp=sharing)... In the same bandana and frying pan. We literally dog piled on each other, except Matt stepped out of the way because he hated hugs more than I did. And that was saying something.

"You guys! I had so many tea parties!" Brittany began to gush on and on about Three Houses, while I approached Matt. He looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey, Vsauce, Michael here. Where are your fingers?"

He held up his hand. The one with missing fingers. I always said that to him.

"Been a while since I've heard that stupid joke. Anyway, where are we?"

"I think we're almost to the Saiyan invasion. Goku ain't coming back, but we need to move before we get jumped by angry Z-Fighters who just lost their best defender."

"True, come on, explain on your... Spaceship? You got a spaceship?"

"I also have a son and a huge cat."

We all clambered on after putting the fire out. I had to put my plan into motion. Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the grand day where my plan came together.

Here's hoping the invasion is not actually tomorrow.


	35. Scenario Eleven, Chapter Two: You're A Kid

Alexa and I crept around the wastelands, wearing fuzzy hats on our head. Fuzzy hats... Of squid. Across the wasteland, the same song rang out, synced perfectly between six powerful Bluetooth speakers placed on my ship, along with smaller ones in our pockets.

_Ya weni marei mirekyarahire  
Juri yu mirekerason_

_Kire hyari yoriherahe nyurahera  
Nunnyura unera yurawera nyimerani_

_Chopperipo shurashurafe  
Nannyurunire nifaferahi_

_Nannyuruni weranira shuraharahi  
Nyurunirehara fe fe fe_

_Ya weni marei mirekyarahire  
Juri yu mirekerason_

_Kire hyari yoriherahe nyurahera  
Nunnyura unera yurawera fimera_

_Na nire jute mirekyaraherya  
Nire yu mirekerason_

_Kire hyari nuriherahe nyurahera  
Nunnyura unera yurawera fimerani_

I ducked behind a rock, Dennis shooting at me with a paintball gun, and made a run for it, Alexa covering me. I ran as fast as my feet would carry me, Quartz leaping out in front of me. An ambush!

"Quartz! Have mercy on your mother!" I yelled in mock betrayl.

"No mercy for Mommy!"

I leapt into the air, Alexa getting hit with one of Nathan's bullets. Nathan and Dennis had Quartz on their team, I had Alexa, and Matt had Brittany. Grabbing her arm, I pulled Alexa along, tilting my head when I thought I heard something.

I thought I heard the agonized cry of a child, but Quartz was behind me, laughing, so... Strange. I brushed it off. I ran in the opposite direction of the sound, seeing Matt and Brittany hunched behind a rock. They seemed to be stalking someone, probably the other three. Alexa and I decided to wait until we could strike, seeing Quartz run right into their line of fire.

Then I heard it. The technique I taught Quartz. The one and only...

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I literally saw Matt get up and shoot at someone, Brittany drawing her sword. Flying over there, I saw Dennis' Stand protecting Quartz from... 

You guessed it, your family friendly, neighborhood capitalist pigs have returned, and this time Yamcha and the rest are definitely dead. Wait, who was the last to die before Goku got here again? Right, Tien. Right?

Right. Ugh, I'm such a fucking casual.

"Mommy! I told you Mommy would come beat you up!"

I then saw that a paint splattered Brittany was getting her ass beat by Nappa so I had to go save her. To my surprise, Matt stepped forward, burnt pan and everything. Oh, this was gonna be fun. I saw Dennis pull out his phone and start filming.

"Hey, I'd suggest you leave. You die here no matter what I do." Technically true, Matt.

"Hah!" Oh god, the pride in Nappa's voice makes me wanna shoot him to see what happens. "As if a tiny piece of metal is supposed to defeat me! How about-"

As Nappa attacked, an exclamation point appeared above Matt's head for a split second, a red light flickering into view, in the shape of a heart. I then realized, it all came crashing into me. Matt...

Matt had a human soul. Writer-San had made the terrible, terrible choice of sending Matt into Undertale. Not that Matt was a huge Undertale fan, just that turn-based combat was bound to be abused here.

"Well, now you've attacked me. So that means it's my turn. I'm gonna... Fuck it, who wants to see Nappa get murdered by a frying man?"

We all raised our hands. Matt looked at us, hitting Nappa with the frying pan. A few little numbers appeared, but holy shit, it was barely a dent. Seeing this, Nappa began to laugh.

"Really? You think you can kill me?!"

"Well, if I die, I just go back and try again. Power of determination. Your turn. Be careful... I know how to dodge."

We left Matt to deal with Nappa, and I had the impulse. And from the looks of it, so did Nathan. He pointed at Vegeta, and we nodded, getting Dennis' and Alexa's attention. 

And then I shot Vegeta with the paintball gun, screeching in a Russian accent.

"Death to the capitalist invaders! _Vo slavu materi Rossii! Za nashu sovetskuyu zemlyu!"_

Don't ask how I know that. We get into some heated communist fighting against the fuckboys. All in the name of the Skeleton War. Our eternal fight against the fuckboys. I then saw Dennis send his Stand to attack Vegeta, screeching in an equally non-English language.

_"Spogliati, scatenati, sono incinta di tuo figlio."_

Sweet Jesus, are we the worst.

* * *

"Fucking hell, how did we kill one with a burnt frying pan?"

"Determination."

I spoke to Matt over Dennis' sassy pep talk to Vegeta. Oh, yeah, he started doing that. We remembered that he had to live, because... Future is fucked otherwise.

"Frieza doesn't deserve you! If he doesn't treat you right by now, you're gone!"

"I'm gone."

"Now go chop his dick off!"

I walked away, feeling... Strangely mealancholy. This was fun, and all. But it wasn't real. This wasn't real. It wasn't home. Alexa began to follow me, still holding her whip.

"Hey... You good?"

"I... I know this is fun and all. Getting to meet these fictional characters. Getting these adventures, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't fun. But I think we're forgetting something. This isn't real. Or, well... I think we need to find a true way home."

"Yeah... But Writer-San isn't going to go easy. How many do you think we have to go through?"

"A lot. At least a version of Goku before we have a chance at getting home. We've barely scraped at possibilities. I have to be honest... I want to go home."

"Same. We'll get there. I think what we're going is working... Nobody's caught feelings for a while. Or, not openly. I think if we keep being this wild, this insane, we'll essentially force Writer-San into moving us onward. In the meantime, we can figure out what to do about getting home."

Alexa sounded like she had a plan. Be crackheads so that people didn't catch feelings for me. And then, when the time was right, we all jump Writer-San and force that bitch to take us home.

How much more crackhead energy could this world take? We'd have to find out.


	36. Scenario Twelve, Chapter One: Forget The Fanfiction, Just Let These Kids Go Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: a one shot because Writer-San is getting impatient 
> 
> To those of you that have read this piece of shit this far, great job! You're almost at the end! And then I can write the sequel

We all went to bed, and woke up, and the sky was dark and everything was smoking. Literally, everything was dark and smoke was everywhere.

So, naturally, we flew the ship to a city, saw it was both destroyed and largely barren, and began fucking around. Dennis and Matt went off to explore, while the rest of us sat around quoting Vines over and over again. And, of course, I was high off my ass.

We put Quartz inside and had him watch some cartoons so he wouldn't be exposed to our dipshittery.

Our fucking around went well enough until we heard... Shouting. Matt and Dennis returned, pointing behind them. Dennis was about to speak until I saw an infuriating green form look down upon us. Not fused yet, just a little bitch.

I pointed up at Zamasu, blowing smoke out of my mouth.

"Welcome to BIBLE STUDY, we're all children of JESUS!"

"KUMBYAAAAAAAAA, MY LORD!" Dennis finished it, and then _behind_ Dennis, I saw a blue haired guy. Hey, another Future Trunks, let's go.

"(Y/n)?! You're alive?!" Trunks yelled out.

Wait. 

Was this... Somehow the same one I encountered last time? When I got my bat? Memories, memories... Girl scout cookies?

"Trunks? Malachite?" I pointed at Zamasu.

"Malachite?" Dennis realized what I was saying.

"(Y/n)?" Zamasu pointed at me, like he didn't know who I was. I'm gonna assume that the darker green forming over his cheeks was not a blush, I can't take that at the moment.

"Trunks?" Brittany pointed at Trunks like she didn't know who he was, probably because she absolutely hates this series.

"Alexa." Alexa decided to break the chain. I held out my bat, laughing. Not evily, just... Picturing him as Malachite is just really funny to me at the moment.

I don't know why. I needed to see him fuse, that was it. I opened my dumbass mouth and said something stupid, looking directly at Zamasu like I wasn't afraid of his godly bitchass.

"Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal."

I regretted nothing. Even as Zamasu literally socked me into a wall, I regretted absolutely none of that. Getting up, my ears ringing, I saw Matt step in, and then I saw Goku Black step in. Big mistake, boys.

"Yeah, it's my turn. So you can't do anything. Which means... It's never gonna be your turn." Matt crossed his arms, I feel like he's heard that line before. "You guys should have learned about turn based RPG games before destroying mortality. By the way, why'd you do that again?"

Cue a "Mortals Are Bad Because One Beat Me In A Battle And I'm Salty" rant. And a hug from Trunks that made me screech.

"Where have you been? You disappeared-"

"Trunks! Is Goku here?"

"Yeah?"

"Get him over here. Actually, wait... I wanna have fun with these two."

Here we go again. I grabbed Trunks by the shoulders, looking at him and saying this one thing.

"Here's the truth. Everything you've ever known is an anime, your suffering brought my people entertainment, I know that sounds bad, but I can fix this."

Just then, Nathan kicked down the door, Quartz next to him. In his hands was a plate of sizzling chicken strips.

"CHICKEN STRIIIIIIIIIIIPS!" Quartz yelled.

"Fuck ya chicken strips!" I screeched back. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"...So basically, if I piss off a higher being enough, I might have a chance to go home. Get it?"

"Is that why your friend is playing... Pinata?"

"Yep! Totally not crazy! Go find Goku and tell him to push the damn Zeno button already!"

So, great news, Zamasu and Goku Black got one turn and immediately fused into Merged Zamasu. A mistake, because then it was Matt's turn and he made sure they weren't getting another one. So I grabbed a blindfold and gave Brittany my bat.

We sure wished Merged Zamasu was filled with candy. Really, though.

"Let me out of this! You disgusting mortals-"

"Let's stay on this miserable planet, together!"

Oh, and every time he said something, we interrupted with a line from Steven Universe. I tilted my head back, muttering. I knew Writer-San could hear me.

"I know you're there, little bitch. I know you can hear me. This what you wanted? These the results you expected? I am no sheep! Come on, face me man-to-man. You can't switch scenarios forever. I can feel you losing patience. I can feel my time spent in each scenario growing shorter and shorter. Come on out and face me, coward."

I turned to Trunks, sighing and blowing out some smoke. 

"So... You're the same one, huh? Haven't had a repeat before. You meet that Mai girl? She's pretty."

"You know about her?"

"Well, yeah, everyone ships you two. I mean... Without including shotacon."

"What's shotacon?"

"You already have enough PTSD, you don't need more. Anyway, uh... You deserved better than this. Who knows when the next arc with you will come out, though. Hell, in the anime, Zamasu kinda succeeds. He dies, but he kinda wins. Fuck him, though. He won't be a problem soon."

I looked down, my eyes widening as dark cords began to bind my body. Looking up, I saw my friends, bound in similar cords.

"Guys? What's happening?" I asked.

"Huh? What's wrong?" Trunks then asked me, and I realized he couldn't see it. It was too late for Zamasu, who looked to me with a blush. So Writer-San was still trying with the whole romance thing. I would give him the finger if I could move. The dark cords covered my eyesight, the noise fading away.

And yet, I struggled. This wasn't about being in Dragon Ball anymore. This was about getting home. The fun and games were over. I felt my skin go white, letting the power of Mary Sue flood through me and break my chains.

I was done. I found myself in the dream place, Writer-San standing before me. My friends hung bound by the dark cords, my hands clenching into fists. So, it heard what I said. 

"You want a fight? Fine. But I have a better idea." 

"Yeah, is it letting me go home?"

Writer-San knelt at my feet, taking my hand. Cold, so cold. Colder than anything, than Minnesota winter slushies. It looked up at me with eyes of light.

"(Y/n)... Become mine. Become my empress. You must know how I love you."


	37. Bad Ending: The Empress Of Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Oh the things I have planned for the sequel-

"Your... Empress?"

I looked down at Writer-San, who kept looking up at me. It... It loved me? After all this, it had the nerve to love me? No, I shouldn't be mad at someone for loving me. But I was.

I was so uncontrollably angry. Angry at Writer-San for stealing my life, for knowing I wasn't into romance and forcing lovers onto me, forcing characters I liked to become nothing but puppet lovebots. For stealing me and my friends just to see what would happen.

I absolutely hated Writer-San, and with the power of Mary Sue, I swung my bat and blasted it away.

"You bastard! You think you get to love me?! After what you've done?! I'll kill you! You hear me?! I'll kill you!"

I fired off a Red Reprise, seeing Writer-San get up, rush towards me, and grab me by the throat. As it did that, I felt the cold seep though my whole body, falling out of Mary Sue. Writer-San shook its head, shushing me.

"Wrong answer. Would you like to try again? You know... You get all your power through me. I can take it away as I choose."

"...Fuck you."

"Hmph... Fine, sheep. Die with your little friends!"

Writer-San threw me to the ground, and disappeared into nothing as my friends became freed. They looked unharmed, but we all shared a look of dread. Of realization. They all ran to me, and we collapsed into a huddle.

Around us, the world of starlight began to collapse, falling into a void. Brittany began to sob, clutching to Alexa. I felt a twisting feeling in my gut... It was my fault, wasn't it?

It was my fault. I should have tried another way. Writer-San, I wasn't strong enough to defeat it on my own. I... I caused this.

Dennis pulled me into our little hug. No sign of Quartz or Heather. Were they even real? Or were they, too, taken away by Writer-San? That whole time, I really was just some high schooler. Nothing but a high school girl. What could I do to save my friends?

Nothing that would work.

"(Y/n)... What's happening?" Nathan asked, Dennis in his arms.

"I think we're about to die. Guys, I... I'm..."

They all hugged me as the void drew in around us. I began to cry. For the graduation we missed. For the family we left behind. For each other. For me. And... Even for the characters in Dragon Ball. But were they even real?

Real or not, character or full fleshed person, I cried for them. So it ended like this... Me, and my stupid friends, who once feared nothing, all huddled together and waited for the cold void to take us in. Deep down, no matter what we believed in regarding life after death...

This was an end, body and soul.


	38. Good Ending, Part One: A Little Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: God damn, this is stupid
> 
> But hot damn, do I have fun writing this

"Your... Empress?"

I looked down at Writer-San, who kept looking up at me. It... It loved me? After all this, it had the nerve to love me? No, I shouldn't be mad at someone for loving me. But I was.

I was so uncontrollably angry. Angry at Writer-San for stealing my life, for knowing I wasn't into romance and forcing lovers onto me, forcing characters I liked to become nothing but puppet lovebots. For stealing me and my friends just to see what would happen.

I hated Writer-San, and with the power of Mary Sue... I leapt into the air and blasted the cords binding my friends, burning them away. My friends fell free, and then I attacked Writer-San.

I can't do this alone.

"Heh... How about this? No more tricks. No more. You want us, you fight us yourself, coward!"

Writer-San howled, pointing a finger at me. I femm to the ground, my skin suddenly free of scars and my hair it's normal (h/c), instead of the white it had turned into. The effect ended when Alexa attacked, and then she fell, her magical girl outfit fading and her Soul Gem disappearing.

Dennis and Nathan attacked in turn, and Dennis' stand disappeared, his body reverting back to female. It clicked. Writer-San could only change us back one at a time.

"One at a time... Everyone, gang up on it! It can't stop us all!"

I leapt into the air, charging up a Red Reprise as my friends attacked Writer-San as one. Even with Matt forcing it into a battle, it still stood strong. I fired my attack at it, finally getting it to stagger and fall. It even seemed to bleed light. I landed in front of my friends, shaking my head and pointing my bat at Writer-San.

"Listen. Just let us go home. We're failed experiments. We just want to go home, is that so much to ask?"

"...A lion... Does not concern itself... With-"

"Shut up, are you gonna let us go home?"

"(Y/n), my love... How about a game?"

This was getting creepy. I stood wary as Writer-San rose, staring into those pools of light. And then looking away because it bothered my eyes.

"You and I can fight it out... And if you win, you and your little friends can go home. How does that sound, my love?"

"Fine, but can you not call me "my love"? It's creeping me out."

"Oh, if you would just let me fix you-"

"You're pushing your luck, Writer-San."

Shaking it's head, Writer-San grabbed my wrist, and we teleported away.

* * *

An arena. A marble arena. I looked around, somewhat impressed.

"You just had this lying around?" I asked.

"This is a higher plane of existence. I can alter the surroundings at will. Look, see how your friends are in the stands."

I saw them all, sitting there, avidly awaiting this fight. I then noticed they were all bound by dark cords. Shaking my head, I crossed my arms, fully in Mary Sue. Hey, at least I wasn't in a maddened craze this time. How convenient for me. 

"Do they really have to be bound up like that?"

"Can't have any interference, can we?"

Ugh. I stood at one end, Writer-San stood at another. And, around us... In the rest of the stands, I saw more. More starlit beings, sitting and watching. I cast a glance at some, looking back to Writer-San.

"Who are they?"

"More of my kind. Here to watch my vicotry, no doubt!"

"Really? There's more...? Is your name really Writer-San?"

"What? No, I let you call me that because you sheep are so obsessed with labels and titles."

Okay, true, but fuck you still, Writer-San. Higher plane of existence, still a piece of shit. I raised my bat, swinging it over my shoulder as the other beings began to cheer. We stared, unmoving.

And then we ran at each other, blow after blow, blurs hitting each other without end. When that ended, I coughed out blood, seeing Writer-San bleeding light. The beings began to cheer louder, and I realized something. Writer-San narrowed its eyes at them all, and even thought it had no other facial features, I could tell it was... Glaring.

They weren't cheering for their own. They were cheering for _me._

"So... Not popular, huh?" I asked.

"Quiet! They're going to realize that I truly am strong!"

Oh, compensation. More motives, still a piece of shit. I gained confidence, attacking Writer-San again.

"So you weren't just seeing if you could tear us through worlds out of curiosity. You want recognition. You want to be popular with them. More powerful."

"My love, you mistake me as being on their level." Writer-San spoke in contempt. "I'm not like them. I'm... Different. I've always been different."

"...Hey, Writer-San?"

I kicked it in the chest and charged up a Red Reprise, grinning wickedly.

"You can be _'not like other girls'_ and still be a massive dick."

Take that, young adult protagonists. Not every popular chick and popular jock pairing is just a guy flaunting off a popular girl, and not every nerdy girl is a hidden gem that just needs people to notice her. Take it from me. We had popular girls, nerdy kids, and everything in between, and we were all dicks half the time.

Writer-San shot back some sort of sparkly beam attack. Clashing against my Red Reprise, I soon couldn't see, my vision drowned out by the light. I felt it burn, but kept going. Hey... My very first beam struggle! What a milestone! But then, out of nowhere, the beam stopped. I stopped my attack, feeling myself losing consciousness.

Did I do it? Did I win? I had to... They had to go home... We had to go home... I had to do it for them. I strained for the sound of someone's voice.

But nobody came.


	39. Good Ending, Part Two: Slushie Sadness

CuddleFluff: _OMG Alexa where are you????_

DoodleCake: _shut up im almost there_

SSG_Heather had been inactive for three years. Alexa, a replica Soul Gem dangling around her neck, walked towards the 7-Eleven outside of their school. The summer sun beat down, no sign of any other kids from their school.

When (Y/n) fought Writer-San, after their final attacks... She disappeared. Within an instant, the others had fallen unconscious, only to reawaken in their beds, back home, where they had been. Like nothing had happened. And, just as Alexa had predicted, their school had shut down due to the coronavirus.

But now it was three years later, and they could get together, as a group. Stepping inside and buying a slushie, Alexa walked around to the back of the 7-Eleven, to see her friends waiting.

(Y/n) was the only one that didn't come back. Her body just went missing. Alexa remembered seeing missing posters of her, feeling sick every time she looked at one. No one would believe the truth, about a higher plane of existence, an otherworldly being stealing her away.

They came to the conclusion that she was dead, and let her rest. Now, three years later, they came to remember her. Dennis and Nathan sat side by side, Dennis rubbing his chest.

"Did you get your surgery?" Alexa asked.

"Yeah, it feels so nice... Only thing I miss is having a dick."

They all fell silent, sipping on slushies. Seeing an empty spot and knowing she should be there. None of them said it, but they all thought it. (Y/n) should be here, sipping on slushies and saying something incredibly stupid. Matt adjusted a bandana around his neck, and Brittany fiddled with a little replica sword hanging from a keychain.

"...We all know what we saw." Matt muttered, as he always did. They came here to remember what they saw. (Y/n), glowing black, wings from her back. Was that the final form of Mary Sue? Was it something else? They never really understood what it was.

Perhaps they didn't need to. (Y/n) was never the best person, perhaps not even a good one. But in this world, she was a decent one. It was best to remember that.

* * *

I snapped awake in my ship, Quartz shaking me.

"Mommy... Did we switch again?"

I think we did. Quartz, I... I just..."

I looked up and down my arms, seeing no scars. My hair had returned to (h/c), and not that awful white it had become. But... Something felt different. And I couldn't quite place what it was. Well, fuck it. I hugged Quartz, seeing Heather pad on up to us.

"What happened? We were in the future, you and your friends were horsing around to piss off an interdimensional being, and now we're...?"

"No idea. I'm gonna go look for canon characters. Quartz, come with me?"

Quartz clambered into my arms, his little scarf wrapped around his face, and I took off. Okay, what could I check? I did have a map of Dragon Ball...

Somewhere, in thousands of images on my phone. I found it eventually. Goku's house? 

Not there. Okay, uh... Kame House?

Fucking nonexistent. Uh... East City was here, though! haha, no sign of canon characters, though... Okay, look for Capsule Corps! Yeah! 

Maybe tomorrow, because Quartz fell asleep in my arms. Besides, I needed a minute to think. I flew back to my ship, putting Quartz to bed, and then fell onto the couch and stared into space. So... I was truly stuck here. Did I win? I had to believe that my friends at least made it home. I just had to.

I then realized what felt different. I could sense Quartz. Very faintly, but I knew it was him. Was that... A power level? But wasn't I an android? Did that change? Was I no longer an android? I decided to grab my whiteboard and my stuffed animals, and began writing.

"The cringe ass OC has changed. I am no longer an android! What kind of bullshit is this?! But... We can deal with this. I've looked around. I don't know what part of canon we're on, can't be beyond Z. I'm gonna assume this is the start of Z, all the cities have the date as August, Age 761. That's Z, right? It doesn't feel like the original Dragon Ball."

I soon began to write down things like "What am I now?" and "What should I do?". It was a wonder Quartz didn't wake up.

"The streets looked a little barren. Maybe it's just a slow day, I don't know. But we know where we are, and that I've lost my android power. The only question is... What do we do now?"

I began to scrawl down ideas in a bullet point. They were... Wild.

  * Just become a criminal on Earth
  * Ditch Earth
  * Wait to see if we can make the canon storyline work without the protagonists (ASSUMING THEY ARE GONE FOREVER)
  * Keep up the Trench persona, if it still exists



I then erased the one that said "ditch Earth" and began jotting down more ideas."

"It's a while before the Saiyan invasion, I hope... But even then, how the fuck am I convincing Vegeta on my own to ditch Frieza? Ugh, who else can I get on my side! I can't do this alone!"

Then it hit me. I wrote down one name. Raditz.

"I got it... I need to play on what he's scared of. Gonna have to rewatch those early episodes, but I think I can convince him to not kill us all... Is he gonna be here, looking for Goku? Yeah, he has to! But he won't find Goku. He'll find me."

I went into my room, finding all the Dragon Ball merchandise I had stored away. Digging out some DVDs my dad had bought me a while back, I popped one in, taking notes on what I saw. 

"Alright, this is totally not creepy. I'm just figuring out how to convince Raditz, and to do that, I need to know what little character they got for him. If I'm gonna be stuck here... I'm gonna have to do something."

Was this home, now? I guess, if I was trapped here... Perhaps it was. Quartz snuggled up in bed, Heather curling up next to me and watching along, giving additional insight... Was this home? Could I make this fictional world a home for myself?

I would have to. The others, my friends... They'd want me to be happy. So no matter what, I'd be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it to the end
> 
> Congrat
> 
> The sequel will be out once I write it. Which will be... Eventually, idk. The sequel will also have multiple OCs and an actual explanation for why the protagonists are suddenly missing


	40. The new book is out

[Read it bitches](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251232/chapters/61213945)

Read it for (Y/n)

Also I just learned I could make a series so I did, out of this. This site is kinda cool


End file.
